Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Confession: I'm Not That Shallow

Throughout my bloggy adventure through blogland, I have repeatedly referenced several points:

What could be more shallow, I ask you, than a 34-year-old mom of two who has crushes on Zac Efron AND Rob Pattinson? And I'm okay with that, really. I wouldn't mind being so shallow that I would sigh over the dreamy blue eyes of Orlando Bloom in Return of the King, even knowing that they are contacts and his eyes are really a deep, chocolate brown.

The problem: I'm really not that shallow. I genuinely think these people are talented.

This is why I haven't jumped on the following bandwagons:


So, here's the truth:

I think the Twilight books are good. Not "guilty pleasures," or "fun if you can stand the bad writing," or any other qualifiers: I think they are good books. I THINK TWILIGHT IS AS GOOD AS HARRY POTTER. There, I said it.

I think Rob Pattinson is a really good actor and a great musician. I think he is very handsome, but that really is secondary. My crush on him is totally artistic. I don't want him to kiss me, or bite me: I want to sit with him at a piano and write a song together. [hangs head in geeky shame.]

I think Zac Efron is also very talented. I think he's funny. Just naturally, effortlessly, very funny. I want to write a movie for him. Or, failing that, a Funny or Die sketch.

But Deb, you may ask, if you are so "not-shallow," why are all of your artistic crushes beautiful young men?

Answer: they aren't. These are just the ones I admit to so that the blogoverse will take me seriously as a shallow commentator on pop culture. Here are some of my non-bloglitically-correct artistic crushes:

1. Steve Martin

2. Joel McHale (okay, borderline)

3. Jim Gaffigan

4. Jon Hodgman

5. Will Ferrell

What do the five men listed above have in common? They are all very funny, very witty, good writers, and (except Joel) not sexy-cute at ALL. Number six would have been Paul F. Tompkins, number seven would have been Phillip Seymour Hoffman, number eight would have been Tilda Swinton (prove to me that she's really a woman!)...you get the idea.

So when I say I love George Clooney, don't misunderstand me. I would love to work with George someday, give him pointers on his love life, cook a meal, write a movie, win an Oscar...whatever. Just so you know it's not a shallow, pointless crush based only on George's good looks, which I hardly ever notice.

Of course, whatever we'd be doing, George would be shirtless. I hear he works best that way.


Kristina P. said...

I will actually cage fight you for Joel.

And we saw Jim Gaffigan at The Improv in NYC several years ago, up close and personal. He was HILARIOUS.

Barbaloot said...

Um---after you and Kristina kill each other in the cage fight, I'm taking Joel.

And also---Jonas brothers are TOO talented!! And Kevin is fully the hottest. I said it and I meant it. And I'm not taking it back!!

Debbie said...

After you mentioned Orlando, I tried to read the rest of the post but I just couldn't concentrate. Except on him.

Joanna said...

You know I actually think the actors of today are as good or in some cases better than the actors of the early days of movies. Some of these young actors are incredibly talented. Although I am vaguely aware that I can look at many of them without injuring my eyesight.

That Girl said...

I think you'd be surprised how many people agree with you.

Like me.

3 Bay B Chicks said...

I swear, Deb, you are the wittiest person I read on the Internet...and I read a lot.

Oh, and I heart myself some Will Ferrell BIG TIME. Did you see him in the HBO special, "You're Welcome, America," where he portrayed George W as he reflected over his presidency. HILARIOUS!

It is funny to find your soul mate on the Internet. Who would have thought?


Deb said...

Francesca, I don't know how common it is, but the feeling is definitely mutual!!