Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Living On The Line

Oh, how I adore teh interwebz.  (That's "the internet" to those of you who are LOL-deficient.)  I have found several ways to make modern technology work for me, in terms of wasting time.

(For the record, I in no way consider blogging to be a waste of time, so that is definitely not on the list.  Anything that makes me think this hard is not a waste of time.)

Yesterday I took Sven to an appointment with a "pain management" doctor.  Finally, I thought, we were going to get some answers about his chronic back pain, maybe even some relief!  Instead, we experienced a cruel irony: we did paperwork for over an hour, waited another hour, got into the office at 3:15 for our 2:30 appointment, sat back with a nurse answering questions we had just spent over an hour answering, all to have the doctor come in at 3:45 and announce that he wouldn't have time to do Sven's appointment, but they would call that afternoon and schedule a new one.  (For the record, it is almost 9:00 a.m. the next day, and they still haven't called.  If they haven't called before I finish this entry, there will be Deb to pay.)

So, by my reckoning, we spent nearly 4 hours (including driving time) with this doctor in what turned out to be a colossal waste of time.  Here, in order, is how I could have spent those 4 hours far more productively:

1. iPod Apps: I have several, including TapWord, My Town, Sudoku, Ask the Hoff, and Flashlight, but my favorite has to be Tap Fish: This is an app on my iPod that allows me to feed, breed, buy, sell, and flush virtual fish.  They die if I don't check in every so often.  (One can revive the fish for coins, just like in real life!)

2. Island Paradise: This has to be my all-time favorite waste of time online.  I can spend hours and several REAL dollars updating and rearranging my personal island, accessed via Facebook.  Here is a recent photo:

I'm so proud.

3. Happy Island and Happy Aquarium: These Facebook Apps cannot suck up as much time as Island Paradise, but they each require me to check in a few times a day to get the maximum benefit.  I have, thus far, resisted spending any real money on either of these, though Happy Island now boasts a Lost-style foot statue that I simply must have.

4. Kindle: Also on my iPod is my Kindle app, which lets me purchase and download Kindle books and read them on my iPod.  I love this, particularly downloading free books.  I've paid for a couple, but the majority of my library is free books.  For the record, I have yet to actually read an entire book on my Kindle, but I'm about halfway through Bram Stoker's Dracula.  (The book, not the completely awesome terrible 1992 film starring Gary Oldman and Winona "I Had A Future" Ryder, not to mention Keanu Reeves boasting a "British" accent.  Now I'm inspired to shape my hair into buttocks and drift about in a red housecoat for the rest of the day.  But I digest.)

5. Twitter: I recently coerced Paul F. Tompkins, one of my favorite comedians, to respond to a tweet I sent to him.  His tweet to me: "Agreed."  That's just the encouragement I need to continue cyber-haunting my favorite celebrities, hoping they will respond to me with just as much feeling and consideration as Humanitarian of the Year Paul F. Tompkins.

They still haven't called.

Monday, March 15, 2010

In Which Deb Attempts to Do the Dishes

5:30 a.m.: It's Saturday, I could sleep longer, but maybe I'll be good today and go downstairs and get some housework done.  The dishes haven't been touched all week...maybe I can load up the dishwasher before the kids get out of bed.

5:35 a.m.: Back from the bathroom, now both children are in my bed, fast asleep with Sven.  Yep, might as well go downstairs.

5:40 a.m.: Having stubbed three toes and bruised two shins because I didn't want to turn on any lights, I arrive in the living room.

5:42 a.m.: Ah, an empty recliner and an unoccupied TV.  I'll watch the end of this Law & Order and then do the dishes.

5:45 a.m.: Hello, children.  Yes, you can have cheese.  Let me get up to get it for you, then I'll sit in the recliner until the end of Law & Order and do the dishes.

5:47 a.m.: Yes, you may have some water, I'll get it for you, then I'll sit in the recliner until the end of Law & Order and do the dishes.

5:49 a.m.: I'll help you clean up the water, then I'll sit in the recliner until the end of Law & Order and do the dishes.

5:50 a.m.: I'll change your clothes after your sister spilled ice cold water all over you, and you can sit in the recliner with me until the end of Law & Order.

5:57 a.m.: There, nice and dry, and we missed the verdict.  Oh, well, another one is coming on...

6:47 a.m.: I must have dozed off with a nice warm baby boy in the recliner.  I guess I can get the verdict on this one, even though I have no idea what the case is.

6:48 a.m.: Oh, it's this one.  Yeah, it's a good one.  I'll watch until the verdict, then get up and do the dishes.

6:59 a.m.: I knew she did it.  Now to the dishes!

7:00 a.m.: Having put away one clean plate, something explodes/bleeds/cries/complains.

Repeat every two minutes until 9:30 a.m.

9:30 a.m.: Good morning, Dear, would you like some breakfast?

9:35 a.m.: Serve breakfast to Sven and children.

9:37 a.m.: Sit down with my breakfast.

9:39 a.m.: Clean up milk spill.

9:41 a.m.: Sit back down with my breakfast.

9:42 a.m.: Kiss wounded finger; insist child come to me so I can stay seated.

9:45 a.m.: Having enjoyed a leisurely breakfast, I now proceed to the kitchen to finish the dishes, having gotten a momentous head start by putting away most of the clean dishes.  In the bottom rack, anyway.

9:52 a.m.: Sven falls asleep in the recliner.  Children discover cache of fireworks in dining room and begin to quietly construct elaborate pyrotechnic display.

9:53 a.m.: Choosing to ignore the fireworks because at least they are playing quietly, I scramble to finish the dishes.

10:00 a.m.: Demands for cheese resume and continue for the next two hours.

12:00 p.m.: The dishwasher loaded, I retreat up the stairs for a solitary nap, knowing I have accomplished something in my day.

12:02 p.m.: Dexy joins me for a solitary nap.