Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Your Horoscope: This Summer

Using the wisdom of the ancients, I have cast my head into the waters and have come up with your horoscope predictions for this summer.  (Disclaimer: Though I am not an expert in molecular gastronomy, I believe I have come up with a system whereby I examine the pattern of toys my children leave on the stairs to determine the fate of the world.  Your system may vary.)

Aries: A change in hair color will bring about a change in relationships, particularly if you decide on the blue streaks.  A mysterious presence will enter your life in mid-July when you realize you forgot to check the expiration date on the Trix yogurt you bought in January.  Avoid crossing streets that begin with "Q."  Your lucky color is chartreuse.

Taurus: A vacation will bring you self-renewal and an unusual outbreak of poison ivy.  Get a journal for the former and cornstarch for the latter.  There will either be love or disaster when a dark-haired man gives you an estimate for a new water heater.  A small, furry animal will make its way into your heart in August; medications are available.  Your lucky tree is dogwood.

Gemini: Exercise caution when purchasing a new exercise program; no one goes from a size 30 to a size 4 by twisting on a stool.  The squirrels in your backyard are spying on you, buy a cat.  The seventh film on your Netflix queue will provide you with valuable insights into your life.  A tiny woman will ridicule you for your fashion choices, but she will be wearing a comical pointed paper hat, so you may discount her opinion.  Your lucky jewel is marcasite.

Cancer: Your spouse is full of wisdom and needs more praise.  Take care to point out often how attractive you find him or her, and take a class in foot-rubbing and validation.  A long trip will yield memories and diarrhea; take a camera at your own risk.  Despite your best efforts, a pet will find you around the first of the month.  Your lucky jerky is beef.

Leo: Like the lion whose name you bear, you are tawny and strong.  Begin eating raw meat to further tap into your lion powers.  A visit to the eye doctor in July will have unusual results.  Financial rewards will come in August provided you have sufficiently focused your energy towards Saturn (the car) and Jupiter (the planet).  Your lucky air freshener is Glade.

Virgo: Beware Fred Savage on the third moon of Neptune.  That can't be good.  Visit the Build-a-Bear workshop near you for fuzzies and enlightenment.  A large actor will win some sort of award, this is a sign for you to begin to follow your own dream.  Airplanes are usually safe.  Your lucky soft drink is Mello Yello.

Libra: Now is a great time to claim your freedom openly and vocally.  The expression "like my aunt's bathtub" is never a good idea.  Baking cookies with small children can lead to happiness, though deafness in one ear may result.  Screaming monkeys at the zoo are judging you.  Your lucky number is π.

Scorpio: If you choose to photocopy parts of yourself at work, make sure you are surrounded by those you trust.  Drive with caution when the moons of Jupiter oppose Mars, that's just a given.  When you look under your sink, enlightenment will greet you in the form of several small vermin, but they will scatter before you can do more than shout a few questions.  Try anyway.  Your lucky HBO series is True Blood.

Sagittarius: Travel is in your future when you get on the wrong bus.  Relax and enjoy the ride.  Consider purchasing a goat for lawn maintenance and companionship.  A broken appliance is a sign that you need change in your life.  Drive past a swimming pool in mid-July and make a wish.  Egg salad should be avoided when you are expecting company.  Your lucky Russell is Crowe.

Capricorn:  If you think you have everything you want, get ready to be disappointed.  If you don't, too bad.  A viewing of Shrek 4 will bring about malaise and intestinal discomfort.  Pay attention to the wisdom of your dentist, but don't take your eyes off of him, he's tricky.  Consider trading in your glasses for some Elton John specs.  Your lucky canned fish is tuna. 

Aquarius:  You will receive affirmation of your superiority in June, only to have it demolished.  Learn to subsist on your own sense of pride, not others.  Russell Brand is not your ideal mate, please give that up.  Joining Twitter will yield giggles and friends.  A wedding will shortly be followed by some kind of party involving cake.  Your lucky sink is stainless steel.

Pisces:  Watching Law & Order reruns is the key to continuing happiness.  Four hours per day should be considered the minimum.  You will not be the next American Idol, please stay home.  When your aspect is on Mars you should use extra sunscreen.  A change in employment will bring you opportunity.  Romance will follow when you call an exterminator, but not for you.  Your lucky fork is salad.

I hope these adequately prepare all of you for a summer of fun!