Friday, April 24, 2009


People who answer questions with questions know they are in the wrong. This counts double if their first question is, "Who told you that?"


Open-mindedness works both ways. Someone can have very conservative principles and ideals and be very open-minded, while someone with more trendy, liberal, and/or progressive views can be very close-minded. The simple fact that someone has a conservative view of morality or a political issue does not automatically make that person small-minded, bigoted, ignorant, or a "fundamentalist."


Low-rise jeans are not a good look for everyone.


Addictions come in all forms. You can be addicted to substances, activities, people,'s all about how you prioritize your life. Access to my blog was cut off at work this week, and I realized how "addicted" I have become to blogging in the last few months. I love it, but maybe this is a good thing. I need some perspective.


It can be just as hard to work with people you love as with people you dislike.


Children can inherit strange things from their parents. Dexy and Princess have inherited their day/night tolerance from us. Princess is just like Sven: she really comes alive when the sun goes down, and would sleep until noon every day if we let her. Dexy is like me: early to bed; very, very early to rise. Unlike me, Dexy wakes up with a big grin on his face and his arm outstretched to hug someone. I wake up with my eyes glued shut and a dislike for all humanity. Give him time.


There is no job on Earth more challenging than being a parent, and it requires no formal training. You don't even make minimum wage, but you are overseeing the future of the world.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Reality Show

I've been thinking that my life would make a great reality show.

Not one of those competition-style shows, though in general I think those are superior to the other kind. No, mine would be a "Hills"-style reality show, just following my pals and me through our glamorous lives using totally unscripted moments.

Pilot Episode

Deb: A glamorous single mom
Princess: Deb's precocious 3-year-old daughter
Dexy: Deb's adorable precocious 18-month-old son
Edie: Deb's sexy neighbor
Brandody: Deb's sexy mysterious co-worker

Scene 1: Deb at work. She and Brandody are eating lunch

Deb: I'm so glad it's Friday. (She takes a bite and chews for what seems like 10 minutes.)

Brandody: Ummm. (Also chews.)

Deb: (raises eyebrows)

Brandody: (clears throat)

Deb: So what are you doing this weekend?

Brandody: Uh. Stuff. Chillin'.

Deb: What do you teach, again?

Scene 2: Deb's house

Princess: Mommy, Dexy hit me!

Deb: Come here, children. (Something trendy and contemplative begins playing in the background.) We have to love each other. We're all we have. If you don't love each other, what will we have? Nothing. Because we're all we have.

Sven: (coming through the door) I'm home!

Deb: Filming!

Sven: Oops. (Door shuts)

Dexy: Ooh ga ba. Dog.

Deb: I love you too, my baby.

Edie: (Pokes head in through the door) Is anyone home?

Deb: Come in! That's not strange at all, that you would just open the door to my house and come in!

Edie: So what happened with you and Brandody today?

Deb: Nothing. He's actually very stupid.

Edie: I don't think you mean that.

Producer: (off camera) Deb, we talked about this.

Deb: (sighs) Fine. He's very... clean.

Producer: (off camera, warningly): Deb?

Deb: All right! He's 'super hot and I hope he asks me out.' I can't do this! I thought this was going to be a reality show about my life! Why can't I have my own husband here?

Producer: (off camera) Deb, we talked about this. Husbands are only sexy if they're cheating or being cheated on. Do you want him to have an affair with Edie?

Edie: Okay!

Deb: No! Why can't there be a show on television that just shows a normal, happy family? One with a normal number of kids, and parents that just try to hold things together but really love each other? People who can't keep their house clean because they'd rather play with their kids? People who have to save for years to go to Disneyworld because they pay their bills and don't use credit cards? Why can't that be on TV? That's me!

Producer: (off camera) You're fired. Edie, I'll meet you in your trailer.

Edie: Yes, sir.


So, that didn't go too well. Maybe I should have gone the other way, with the competition show.

"Project Runway XXL": Young fashion designers compete to create flattering clothes for dumpling-shaped women

I'll be Heidi.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

The Horror, Oh, The Horror!

I have a pitch for a horror movie targeted at a very specific audience.

This audience would be parents, approaching or just past 40, with their youngest child almost out of diapers/ready to start school.

Title: "The Stick"

Secondary Title: Based on a true story...

{We open on a well-furnished, spacious bedroom. The room is cluttered with books, magazines, and children's toys. The camera pans across the room, and we notice a brown-haired lump under one side of the bed covers, breathing peacefully. The other half of the bed is empty. Dissolve to exterior shot, day, with husband, wife, and two small children outside playing in the grass.}

Woman: I've got the last of little Janey's baby clothes all bagged up. I'll take them by the charity bin tonight.

Man: That's good. I've got all of the swings and things ready for the church garage sale.

Woman: It will be great to finally clear out all of this clutter.

Man: Imagine, by this time next year, we won't have any more diapers in the house.

Woman: And in two years, we'll only have one in day care. Imagine what we can do with that money!

Man: We can pay off the house faster, that's for sure.

Woman: Maybe we can take that cruise you wanted to go on.

Man: Or that trip to England you're always talking about.

Woman: Why not? When the kids are old enough to appreciate it, that would be great.

Man: One boy, one girl. Things are just perfect, aren't they?

Woman: I can finally get my Master's degree! {She sighs and settles back into the grass.}

{Dissolve back to the previous interior, where we now recognize the man from the previous scene as the contented lump under the covers. The camera moves into the bathroom, where a fuzzy-haired woman we also recognize from the previous scene peers owlishly at a slender white object in her right hand.}

Woman: Come on, come on!

{Close-up on the woman's face, the shot focuses finally on her eyes. They grow wide, and she screams wildly. The camera pans to the object in her hand, which has two pronounced pink lines in the middle.}

Title card: THE STICK!

Terrifying, isn't it?

(Disclaimer: this is based on a true story, but mine had a very different ending this morning. I didn't think one line and "Yippee!" made for a great ending, horror-wise.)

(I'm not pregnant.)

Monday, April 20, 2009

"I Like" Mondays

Children of the '80's like me may remember the song "I Don't Like Mondays" by the Boomtown Rats. This song was based on a woman in Europe who went on a random killing spree. When asked why she did it, she replied, "I don't like Mondays." I was recently reminded of this story, and it made me realize that I need to curb my Monday negativity. It was one thing when I was just Garfield trying to sleep late in my box under the window; I don't want to be anything worse!

So, I'm going to start listing 5 things I like on Mondays. These things don't have anything to do with Mondays per se; I just want to feel better about the start of another week.

This week's good things:

1. Johnny Depp is working on a movie based on "Dark Shadows," and he plans to play romantic "campire" (campy vampire) Barnabas Collins. I could only be happier about this if it were 1991 and Mr. Depp was reuniting the original cast of the revival series to resolve that blasted cliffhanger! What happened next?? What??? My joy is only somewhat lessened by the knowledge that Depp has been working on this project for several years, but I understand Tim Burton is now slated to direct, so I'm picturing a great hybrid of old Dracula movies and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I wonder if Sondheim is busy, we could have a heck of a musical picture...

2. Casting for the movie version of "New Moon" continues, and they're actually getting some good actors to take some of the pivotal secondary roles. I'm quite excited. Aro, the leader of the Volturi, is going to be played by Michael Sheen, who was "Frost" in "Frost-Nixon" and Tony Blair in "The Queen." Dakota Fanning has been confirmed as Jane. I'm hoping someone from the cast of High School Musical joins next...though if that happens, I may lose consciousness.

3. The "Rock Of Love Bus" reunion show went relatively well, and "Daisy of Love" premiers next week, so my IQ can continue dropping at the VH-1 approved rate.

4. I have received several compliments on the way I look today, and several of them didn't feature that incredulous, "Wow, I had no idea you people ever left the swamp" undertone I love so well.

5. I found a crab finger puppet this weekend, so the octopus one won't be so lonely.

There! I did it. Five good things this Monday. Bring on the rest of the week.