Hey, y'all. I bet you're wondering why the topic of today's show was kept such a big secret. Is it a big star? Maybe George Clooney or Brad Pitt?
(Excited murmurings from audience)
No, it's not a big star. It's even better. Everyone welcome to DEB'S FAVORITE THINGS!!
(Audience screams. Close up on one woman sobbing.)
Okay, y'all. Let's begin with one of my absolute favorite things in. The. World. This has saved me more than anything when I'm trying to cool down from those long workouts. Everyone in the audience is getting a case of Isopure Protein Clear Beverage!!
(Audience screams. One woman tears off another's head.)
All right, let's all settle down. Next on my favorite things list is something I found at a local drugstore, and who would expect to find something so gourmet and satisfying there? BLUE DIAMOND DRY ROASTED ALMONDS!
(Audience screams. Paramedics enter the room and begin carrying out unconscious audience members.)
Okay, everybody. I know the holiday season is here and we're all looking for that perfect gift. Well, look no further. I got one of these for Sven last year and he. Loved. It. Who would not love this AUTHENTIC TAUN-TAUN SLEEPING BAG?
(Audience screams. A wedding between audience members spontaneously takes place in the back three rows.)
And for today's final gift, for that person who has everything: I love comedy, and I love podcasts, so everyone today in the audience will receive a genuine COMEDY DEATH RAY RADIO T-SHIRT!!
(Audience screams. In the front row, a woman spontaneously conceives, carries, and gives birth to a child out of sheer joy.)
Thanks, y'all. I hope you all know that I received no promotional money or goods for today's show, though I wouldn't turn them down if they were offered. Enjoy the spirit of the season, everybody.
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