Saturday, September 26, 2009

The Perfect Cliche

I want to construct a movie that is a complete and total cliche. One in which every scene is so trite and overdone that it elevates it beyond cliche into Cliche, as it were, so banal that its very banality lends it meaning...

(Cue dream sequence music and squiggle blurs)

Cast: Handsome Man, Pretty Woman, Male Bully, Quirky Friend, Benevolent Mentor, Cute Kid

Scene: A tropical island

Pretty Woman: I'm so happy that we're in love and getting married, Male Bully! Because you're so handsome, and I'm so shallow, we're the perfect pair.

Male Bully: Agreed. But we need to watch out for the alien attack that's going to come. I may need to kiss you intensely then run off to my plane or boat or whatever to attack something.

Pretty Woman: Kiss me!

Handsome Man: Ahem.

Pretty Woman: Oh, it's you, Handsome Man who is my platonic friend and nothing else!

Handsome Man: Hey.

Pretty Woman: You're coming to the wedding, right? My wedding, in which I marry Male Bully, whom I love deeply and honestly?

Handsome Man: Whatever.

(Scene 2: Pretty Woman's Kitchen)

Pretty Woman: I know I love Male Bully honestly and deeply, but I can't stop thinking about Handsome Man.

Quirky Friend: Girl, you know you love him!

Pretty Woman: No, he's just my perfect and everlasting friend!

Quirky Friend: Let's dance! (They begin to dance around the table, whirling dishcloths.)

Scene 3: A bar

Handsome Man: How do I do it, Benevolent Mentor? How do I let her know I'm the one?

Benevolent Mentor: Tell her how you feel.

Handsome Man: But what if she rejects me? I can't take that kind of rejection.

Benevolent Mentor: Another beer, please, I can't take much more of this.

Male Bully: Hey, bro! You're my fiancee's best friend, but I'm confiding in you that I cheat on her. Now I'm going to punch you.

Handsome Man: Ow.

Killer Cheerleader: I'LL GET YOU!

Benevolent Mentor: Wrong set, Lifetime is next door.

Killer Cheerleader: Oh.

Male Bully: How YOU doin?

Scene 4: The Wedding

Generic Cleric: And do you, Male Bully, take Pretty Woman to be your wedded wife?

Male Bully: Oh yeah.

Best Man: You know it! (High five.)

Generic Cleric: And do you, Pretty Woman, take-

Handsome Man: STOP!

Pretty Woman: Handsome Man, what are you doing?

Handsome Man: You can't marry him. I love you. Marry me.

Male Bully: Oh, you are TOAST!

Best Man: You know it! (High five)

Pretty Woman: (Punch)

Male Bully: Ow.

Handsome Man: Can you marry us, Father?

Generic Cleric: Whatever.

Cute Kid: Here we go again!

Congregation: Aw.

(Soundtrack plays "I Feel Good" by James Brown as credits roll.)

The End.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Some HSN Recommendations: Tasteful, Understated Jewelry

When I was sixteen, my grandparents gave me a ring for my birthday. It was my first "real" piece of jewelry: real gold, a real garnet (my birthstone) and a real itty bitty diamond. My grandmother got my great-uncle, who messed around with jewelry and metalwork, to custom-make the ring. It is in the shape of a turtle. The body of the turtle is the garnet, the head is the diamond, and the prongs that hold the garnet are its legs. Here it is:

(Sorry, late-night blogging is not conducive to great photography.)

I have worn this ring for years. I thought it understated, elegant, and sweet.

What a sucker. If only my grandmother had watched the Home Shopping Network, where they sell jewelry that REALLY looks like animals. Here is their take on the turtle:

I know you can't tell but that's a ring. All of the jewelry featured in today's "Deb's Tasteful Jewelry Showcase And Rib Hut on Tuesday Nights" are rings. I know you love that turtle, but we've got more.
How many times have you thought, "I want a tiny panda bear to live on my finger and judge me?" Here you go.
If you're the kind of lady (or man, I don't judge) that prefers to spell "classy" with a "k," this ring is for you. Rowr.
Hoo? Hoo? Hoo...could say no to this startlingly lifelike owl?

When I look over my jewelry collection, I can truly say I have nothing like this piece. Maybe someday I will...should the right circumstances arise...I can't think of what those circumstances would be, but it would have to be fairly extraordinary...something truly impossible happening in a very spectacular way... Well, whatever it is, this is a charming piece that positively sparkles with subtlety.

Had one of those nights? One where the fun has flowed so freely that now you're seeing pink elephants? Now you can commemorate it with this piece of jewelry.

All of the above pieces are real, on the Home Shopping Network. They are all constructed of genuine cubic zirconia and other materials. They are all available for sale. I cannot imagine anyone who would not enjoy one, or all, of these for their next birthday or major religious holiday.

But act quickly, because they can't last long!

I beg you.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Compatibility: The Bedroom Edition

That's right. Today I'm tackling the most sensitive issues surrounding couples' compatibility.


People make a very big deal about the *other* stuff that may happen in the bedroom, not realizing that sleeping can be a far bigger issue than anything that happens when you're not sleeping.

For example: I steal covers.

I admit it. I do it, and I can't stop. Sven loves to tell the story of how once, when we were dating, we were curled up on the sofa watching a movie, and I took the blanket off of him and just pushed it to the side.

"If you were hot," he asked me, perplexed, "why wouldn't you just push the covers off? Why did you have to take my cover?"

"I don't know," I answered. "I was asleep."

The next time, we each had our own blanket. That time, I took the blanket off of Sven and tossed it to the side of the couch, out of his reach. Still while sleeping.

This problem didn't get better after we married. No matter what arrangements we made before bedtime, morning would find Sven shivering with cold while I clutched upwards of four quilts and a comforter to my overheated bosom.

Finally, Sven developed what I like to call defensive sleeping. When he gets into bed, he does a complex maneuver that is part Baryshnikov, part Ninja, that results in his quilt becoming wrapped around his body in a manner so intricate even he can't extricate himself.

It works for us.

Proximity is also an issue. Some people like to cuddle when they sleep. Not us. Sven and I like our space. The problem is, I often take up more space than even I would believe possible. The other night, Sven woke me up to point out my position on the bed. I was literally diagonal, with my arms and legs outstretched, as though I was deliberately trying to prevent anyone else from sleeping on our king-sized bed.

I was asleep.

Nighttime poking can also be a problem. For a very tense few months, I kept poking my fingers into Sven's eyes, ears, nose, and mouth.

"Mmmph?" I would hear. I would awake, blearily aware that my fingers were warm, to see them in Sven's mouth.

I was asleep.

For the record, I also snore (during allergy season), talk (during crazy season), and walk (during testing season) in my sleep. (I don't get out of the bed and walk, I just move my feet back and forth as though I were walking.)

Now I'm depressed. If Sven ever leaves me, it won't be for a younger, prettier, thinner girl. It will be for a girl who can stay on her side of the bed and keep her hands to herself.

But where would the fun be in that?

PS: I am featured this week on Sneaky Momma's Super Sneaky Friend. So click on the button below and go and check me out! It's a great blog! Not just because it's about me!

My Guest Post

Monday, September 21, 2009

Teaching Kindergarten

I am teaching Kindergarten music this year for the first time in a long time. It is the first time I've ever had to keep them for 45 minutes. Here's an example of what teaching a 45-minute lesson to a group of kindergarteners is like: