Saturday, September 26, 2009

The Perfect Cliche

I want to construct a movie that is a complete and total cliche. One in which every scene is so trite and overdone that it elevates it beyond cliche into Cliche, as it were, so banal that its very banality lends it meaning...

(Cue dream sequence music and squiggle blurs)

Cast: Handsome Man, Pretty Woman, Male Bully, Quirky Friend, Benevolent Mentor, Cute Kid

Scene: A tropical island

Pretty Woman: I'm so happy that we're in love and getting married, Male Bully! Because you're so handsome, and I'm so shallow, we're the perfect pair.

Male Bully: Agreed. But we need to watch out for the alien attack that's going to come. I may need to kiss you intensely then run off to my plane or boat or whatever to attack something.

Pretty Woman: Kiss me!

Handsome Man: Ahem.

Pretty Woman: Oh, it's you, Handsome Man who is my platonic friend and nothing else!

Handsome Man: Hey.

Pretty Woman: You're coming to the wedding, right? My wedding, in which I marry Male Bully, whom I love deeply and honestly?

Handsome Man: Whatever.

(Scene 2: Pretty Woman's Kitchen)

Pretty Woman: I know I love Male Bully honestly and deeply, but I can't stop thinking about Handsome Man.

Quirky Friend: Girl, you know you love him!

Pretty Woman: No, he's just my perfect and everlasting friend!

Quirky Friend: Let's dance! (They begin to dance around the table, whirling dishcloths.)

Scene 3: A bar

Handsome Man: How do I do it, Benevolent Mentor? How do I let her know I'm the one?

Benevolent Mentor: Tell her how you feel.

Handsome Man: But what if she rejects me? I can't take that kind of rejection.

Benevolent Mentor: Another beer, please, I can't take much more of this.

Male Bully: Hey, bro! You're my fiancee's best friend, but I'm confiding in you that I cheat on her. Now I'm going to punch you.

Handsome Man: Ow.

Killer Cheerleader: I'LL GET YOU!

Benevolent Mentor: Wrong set, Lifetime is next door.

Killer Cheerleader: Oh.

Male Bully: How YOU doin?

Scene 4: The Wedding

Generic Cleric: And do you, Male Bully, take Pretty Woman to be your wedded wife?

Male Bully: Oh yeah.

Best Man: You know it! (High five.)

Generic Cleric: And do you, Pretty Woman, take-

Handsome Man: STOP!

Pretty Woman: Handsome Man, what are you doing?

Handsome Man: You can't marry him. I love you. Marry me.

Male Bully: Oh, you are TOAST!

Best Man: You know it! (High five)

Pretty Woman: (Punch)

Male Bully: Ow.

Handsome Man: Can you marry us, Father?

Generic Cleric: Whatever.

Cute Kid: Here we go again!

Congregation: Aw.

(Soundtrack plays "I Feel Good" by James Brown as credits roll.)

The End.


6 comments:

The Domestic Flunky said...

I want to see this movie SO BAD. :) I especially love the dancing with dishtowels as it is the main reason my father so hates chick flicks.

Kristina P. said...

How has Hollywood not been knocking down you're door?

Oh, and I'm totallly watching a Lifetime movie right now about a woman who was imprisoned for a crime she didn't commit, gets plastic surgery, and seeks revenge on the man who set her up. That old plotline.

Barbaloot said...

You forgot to explain that it's set in New York City as all chick flicks are.

Joanna said...

Sometimes you scare me!

Sneaky Momma said...

Hee, hee! You should be a screenwriter. :)

Boy Mom said...

Brilliant!

So trite it's a treat, a treat that will leave you screaming, "Two TUMS up!

I love it, but the Disney channel has kinda taken the Lifetime Cliche, banaled it's head in and served it up cold on a Pop Tart.