Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Compatibility: The Bedroom Edition

That's right. Today I'm tackling the most sensitive issues surrounding couples' compatibility.


People make a very big deal about the *other* stuff that may happen in the bedroom, not realizing that sleeping can be a far bigger issue than anything that happens when you're not sleeping.

For example: I steal covers.

I admit it. I do it, and I can't stop. Sven loves to tell the story of how once, when we were dating, we were curled up on the sofa watching a movie, and I took the blanket off of him and just pushed it to the side.

"If you were hot," he asked me, perplexed, "why wouldn't you just push the covers off? Why did you have to take my cover?"

"I don't know," I answered. "I was asleep."

The next time, we each had our own blanket. That time, I took the blanket off of Sven and tossed it to the side of the couch, out of his reach. Still while sleeping.

This problem didn't get better after we married. No matter what arrangements we made before bedtime, morning would find Sven shivering with cold while I clutched upwards of four quilts and a comforter to my overheated bosom.

Finally, Sven developed what I like to call defensive sleeping. When he gets into bed, he does a complex maneuver that is part Baryshnikov, part Ninja, that results in his quilt becoming wrapped around his body in a manner so intricate even he can't extricate himself.

It works for us.

Proximity is also an issue. Some people like to cuddle when they sleep. Not us. Sven and I like our space. The problem is, I often take up more space than even I would believe possible. The other night, Sven woke me up to point out my position on the bed. I was literally diagonal, with my arms and legs outstretched, as though I was deliberately trying to prevent anyone else from sleeping on our king-sized bed.

I was asleep.

Nighttime poking can also be a problem. For a very tense few months, I kept poking my fingers into Sven's eyes, ears, nose, and mouth.

"Mmmph?" I would hear. I would awake, blearily aware that my fingers were warm, to see them in Sven's mouth.

I was asleep.

For the record, I also snore (during allergy season), talk (during crazy season), and walk (during testing season) in my sleep. (I don't get out of the bed and walk, I just move my feet back and forth as though I were walking.)

Now I'm depressed. If Sven ever leaves me, it won't be for a younger, prettier, thinner girl. It will be for a girl who can stay on her side of the bed and keep her hands to herself.

But where would the fun be in that?

PS: I am featured this week on Sneaky Momma's Super Sneaky Friend. So click on the button below and go and check me out! It's a great blog! Not just because it's about me!

My Guest Post


Barbaloot said...

That's hilarious that you're such a crazy sleeper. I've alwasy slept alone, but I don't take up much space, never move when I'm sleeping and I don't think I sleep talk or walk. And how is it that I'm not married with all that? :)

Kristina P. said...

Yep and Yep.

We have separate blankets. I have a big down comforter, and Adam has a lightweight quilt.

And I've already touted the merits of a king size bed and how it saves marriages.

Sneaky Momma said...

Oh my. I cannot even imagine sleeping in the same bed with you. My poor husband is battered and bruised from the pokes and shoves he gets from me when he's snoring. I hate to think of what I'd do if he stuck his hand in my mouth!
I am quite the sleepwalker and talker, though, so I guess I dish it out, too. :)
Thanks so much for being a guest on my blog! It was fun hearing about how you met Sven as well as simply getting to know you better!

He & Me + 3 said...

You are too funny. Sounds like our sleeping time too. LOL Popped over from Jill's to say hi.

Vicky said...

I enjoyed your sneaky friend feature but then this hilarious post awaited me :) Too funny. I love the look of your blog, Jill does great work!

Jane Anne said...

Oh my goodness!!! I cannot believe you woke up to find you put your fingers in your husband's mouth. That's... well, I don't know what that is- just crazy, I guess! This was a fun post to read. I stopped by from Jill's.

Kortney's Krazy Life said...

I am laughing so hard! This was just the funniest thing to read...funny but true! My poor honey gets the worst end of the deal to when it comes to sleeping arrangements! I like to be flat on my back, hands at my side and daring someone to touch me! hehe It can get nasty real quick at bedtime around our house. hahaha

I saw you over at Jills and came over to check you out!!! Loved the posts I found here! Too funny!