Not one of those competition-style shows, though in general I think those are superior to the other kind. No, mine would be a "Hills"-style reality show, just following my pals and me through our glamorous lives using totally unscripted moments.
Deb: A glamorous single mom
Princess: Deb's precocious 3-year-old daughter
Dexy: Deb's adorable precocious 18-month-old son
Edie: Deb's sexy neighbor
Brandody: Deb's sexy mysterious co-worker
Scene 1: Deb at work. She and Brandody are eating lunch
Deb: I'm so glad it's Friday. (She takes a bite and chews for what seems like 10 minutes.)
Brandody: Ummm. (Also chews.)
Deb: (raises eyebrows)
Brandody: (clears throat)
Deb: So what are you doing this weekend?
Brandody: Uh. Stuff. Chillin'.
Deb: What do you teach, again?
Scene 2: Deb's house
Princess: Mommy, Dexy hit me!
Deb: Come here, children. (Something trendy and contemplative begins playing in the background.) We have to love each other. We're all we have. If you don't love each other, what will we have? Nothing. Because we're all we have.
Sven: (coming through the door) I'm home!
Sven: Oops. (Door shuts)
Dexy: Ooh ga ba. Dog.
Deb: I love you too, my baby.
Edie: (Pokes head in through the door) Is anyone home?
Deb: Come in! That's not strange at all, that you would just open the door to my house and come in!
Edie: So what happened with you and Brandody today?
Deb: Nothing. He's actually very stupid.
Edie: I don't think you mean that.
Producer: (off camera) Deb, we talked about this.
Deb: (sighs) Fine. He's very... clean.
Producer: (off camera, warningly): Deb?
Deb: All right! He's 'super hot and I hope he asks me out.' I can't do this! I thought this was going to be a reality show about my life! Why can't I have my own husband here?
Producer: (off camera) Deb, we talked about this. Husbands are only sexy if they're cheating or being cheated on. Do you want him to have an affair with Edie?
Deb: No! Why can't there be a show on television that just shows a normal, happy family? One with a normal number of kids, and parents that just try to hold things together but really love each other? People who can't keep their house clean because they'd rather play with their kids? People who have to save for years to go to Disneyworld because they pay their bills and don't use credit cards? Why can't that be on TV? That's me!
Producer: (off camera) You're fired. Edie, I'll meet you in your trailer.
Edie: Yes, sir.
So, that didn't go too well. Maybe I should have gone the other way, with the competition show.
"Project Runway XXL": Young fashion designers compete to create flattering clothes for dumpling-shaped women
I'll be Heidi.