The Fine Art of Snobbery

Fear not, loyal readers, I have come to teach you. No longer will you wallow in the unthinking happiness of the masses. Now, you can experience the special level of preciousness and discontent exclusive to the snob.

You can be a snob about anything you want. Today's guide is a starting point. Feel free to take these pointers and apply them to your life.

SNL: In order to be a SNL snob, observe the following rules:

1. Never refer to it as "Saturday Night Live." Insiders call it "SNL."

2. Whenever there is a lull in conversation, loudly proclaim, "SNL hasn't been funny since 1979. The original cast was the ONLY cast." You should make this pronunciation even if you personally were born in 1983 and think that the Bass-O-Matic is a sonar fishing device.

3. Never actually watch the show. If you do, you might discover that it's been getting pretty funny over the past few years, and then where will you be? Just another pathetic loser enjoying something. Blech.

Nascar: When someone uses the word "Nascar" in a sentence non-ironically, shudder delicately and call for a moistened towel with which to cool your fevered brow. If you can do this while wearing a caftan and clutching a glass of a delicate, oak-aged Chardonnay, you get extra points.

Twilight: When you hear people talk about the Twilight series of books, ostentatiously remove the Joyce Carol Oates novel you keep in your unisex tote for just such an occasion. Soon enough, you will be in the state of despairing malaise Ms. Oates inspires in all of her readers.

Reality TV: See SNL rules. If you genuinely cannot name two Kardashian siblings, give yourself extra points.

Movies: If someone confides in you that the latest Transformers movie is really good, shriek in horror and whip DVD's of independent films at him or her until he or she is either dead or tasteful.

Larry the Cable Guy: If someone says "Git -r- done!" in your presence, you should angrily stalk to the corner of the room, put on your iPod, and listen to Prairie Home Companion until the rash fades.

Tea: When someone asks you if you want some tea, never, ever say yes. Say something like, "I'd love some monkey-picked Oolong," or "Do you have any South African Roobios with rose hips?" When your friend stammers something about Lipton and white sugar, smile gently and remove your emergency tea kit. (What do you mean, you don't have one? You get one right now. I don't care if you don't drink tea, just do it.) Tea is today's coffee: you cannot simply accept or refuse.

With these lessons, you will be well on your way to snobbery. Come and join me, I welcome you.

It's getting kind of lonely, with just me and Joyce.