The Fine Art of Snobbery

Fear not, loyal readers, I have come to teach you. No longer will you wallow in the unthinking happiness of the masses. Now, you can experience the special level of preciousness and discontent exclusive to the snob.

You can be a snob about anything you want. Today's guide is a starting point. Feel free to take these pointers and apply them to your life.

SNL: In order to be a SNL snob, observe the following rules:

1. Never refer to it as "Saturday Night Live." Insiders call it "SNL."

2. Whenever there is a lull in conversation, loudly proclaim, "SNL hasn't been funny since 1979. The original cast was the ONLY cast." You should make this pronunciation even if you personally were born in 1983 and think that the Bass-O-Matic is a sonar fishing device.

3. Never actually watch the show. If you do, you might discover that it's been getting pretty funny over the past few years, and then where will you be? Just another pathetic loser enjoying something. Blech.

Nascar: When someone uses the word "Nascar" in a sentence non-ironically, shudder delicately and call for a moistened towel with which to cool your fevered brow. If you can do this while wearing a caftan and clutching a glass of a delicate, oak-aged Chardonnay, you get extra points.

Twilight: When you hear people talk about the Twilight series of books, ostentatiously remove the Joyce Carol Oates novel you keep in your unisex tote for just such an occasion. Soon enough, you will be in the state of despairing malaise Ms. Oates inspires in all of her readers.

Reality TV: See SNL rules. If you genuinely cannot name two Kardashian siblings, give yourself extra points.

Movies: If someone confides in you that the latest Transformers movie is really good, shriek in horror and whip DVD's of independent films at him or her until he or she is either dead or tasteful.

Larry the Cable Guy: If someone says "Git -r- done!" in your presence, you should angrily stalk to the corner of the room, put on your iPod, and listen to Prairie Home Companion until the rash fades.

Tea: When someone asks you if you want some tea, never, ever say yes. Say something like, "I'd love some monkey-picked Oolong," or "Do you have any South African Roobios with rose hips?" When your friend stammers something about Lipton and white sugar, smile gently and remove your emergency tea kit. (What do you mean, you don't have one? You get one right now. I don't care if you don't drink tea, just do it.) Tea is today's coffee: you cannot simply accept or refuse.

With these lessons, you will be well on your way to snobbery. Come and join me, I welcome you.

It's getting kind of lonely, with just me and Joyce.

SuBo, MiWa, and Aala

I love the semi-current trend of assigning every celebrity a "short" nickname compiled of some of the consonants and vowels in their names!

It started with J-Lo, who, to be fair, was using her real, long-time nickname. Then, when "Monster-In-Law" came out, Jane Fonda was being called "J-Fo," as in, "J-Lo and J-Fo together, on the big screen!"

(For the record, the above statement only sounded appealing to me if it was guaranteed that one would be killing and consuming the other, onscreen, for the majority of the movie.)

I think, though, what started as a good, benevolent, J-Lo approved trend has gotten out of hand.

How hard is it to say Susan Boyle? Yet now, in the gossip columns, she is officially "SuBo." Hasn't this poor lady suffered enough?

Still, I love me some SuBo. Her new album, which has not been released, is selling more quickly than Whitney Houston's new album, which has not been released. Ah, pre-orders.

Someone else I love is Michaela Watkins.

Michaela Watkins (or MiWa, as I shall now dub her) was a feature player on last year's SNL cast, brought in after the presidential election to help replace the magnificent Amy Poehler. Feature players rarely get enough airtime to develop a following, let alone create recurring characters, but MiWa did both. How fortunate that they had such a breakout star so early in the game!

Until Lorne Michaels fired her.

Yes, Lorne Michales (pictured above) fired two feature players, MiWa and Casey Wilson, so he could bring on two new female cast members. MiWa didn't see it coming, but she's being a professional. In interviews, she insists that she likes Lorne, respects him, and has this explanation for why he fired her:

"He said he felt like I should have my own show."

I agree.

I haven't discussed my other fairly recent minor fixation, Adam Lambert, whom the media dubbed "Glambert."

I find this offensive. "GLAM-bert?" I get it. Just because he wears makeup, he's gay? Just because he admits he's gay, I'm supposed to believe it? No, my Aala (said with a slight gargling sound in the back of the throat) as as straight as an arrow, baby. Just listen to his version of Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire" and you will also be convinced:

Adam Lambert - Ring of fire
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If you watched that, wasn't Randy Travis a befuddled good sport?

Anyhoo, I stick to my guns. Aala is on my radar.

But RPattz has still got my heart.

Sigh.