Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Beware The Coolguy

I was minding my own business in church last week, talking to Momz, playing with the kids, waiting for church to start (I was early, for once), when he approached me.

Brother Coolguy.

He sat in the empty pew ahead of us, turned his ironic-yet-somehow-mournful gaze on me, and I knew he was going to ask me something.

In our church, when a member of the Bishopric wants to talk to you, it's never just to chat. They don't want to know how the weather was when you left the house, or if you caught last week's "Lost." It's going to be something else. Something...scary.

So when Brother Coolguy said, "Could you say the closing prayer today?" I said, "Sure!" because I was so relieved it was nothing more, failing to remember that I had never, EVER given the prayer in Sacrament Meeting before, and I have a distressing tendency to pray for silly things when I'm nervous. ("Please bless Princess, that she will stop using "poop" as her default answer to everything.")

I should have known it wouldn't be that easy. Again pulling his patented "fake-out," Brother Coolguy rose from the pew saying, "And I need to talk to you after the meeting, for just a second."


Didn't I just get a new calling? (Second counselor in the Primary presidency.) (Primary is our organization for children 18 months-12 years.) (We have a president, who has two counselors, who kind of run the show, help teachers with problems, teach large group lessons, etc.) What could Brother Coolguy be asking?

Wednesday night, I found out.

The talk.

I have to give a talk.

I am not the strongest choice for church speaker. I tend to get very emotional when I'm talking about spiritual things. And it's not emotional in the beautiful, Brooke-Shields-is-dying-but-her-mascara-looks-fabulous way; I'm talking about ugly, honking-into-a-burp-cloth-because-I-forgot-my-kleenex, snuffling, awkward, wet emotional. So my talks tend to either be entertaining but totally not spiritual, or spiritual but incoherent.

It remains to be seen what this week's talk will be. I've gotten it mostly written, I'm about to time it and see if I've got my 10-12 minutes done. Either way, be thinking of me Sunday morning at 9:15.

I'll bring the Kleenex.


Joanna said...

This is going to be good! And I say that with all the love and affection in my heart. I would counsel that you not use the word 'poop' anywhere in your talk, but then, to each his own. I am really, really looking forward. With love.

Kristina P. said...

We have lived in our ward/branch for 4 years now, and have never been asked to speak. Crossing our fingers.

GOod luck!

the domestic flunky said...

On the other hand... If you do say the word POOP in your talk, there is a decent chance that they won't ask you to talk again any time soon. So, that's a plus. :)

Boy Mom said...

My sister once used, "yadda yadda yadda" three or more times in talk, I think I'd prefer, "ugly, honking-into-a-burp-cloth-because-I-forgot-my-kleenex, snuffling, awkward, wet emotional."

I'm praying for you!

Brother Coolguy? I think we need a picture. In fact, a site dedicated to bishoprics and names that describe their personalities is sounding hilarious as I contemplate life this Sunday AM.

Glenene said...

The talk was great! Bro. Coolguy knew what he was doing when he asked you.

Deb said...

Thanks, Glenene!! :)

Barbaloot said...

Hope it went well! I absolutely HATE speaking in church---it's just so terrifying.

Billy Bob Bambino Bombabious Baby the Third said...

For the record, she (you!) did fantastic! You are now in the permanent rotation of "go-to" people for talks. Smart, witty, fun, entertaining, spiritual - you're talk had it all. Now, if you could have included a quote from Ozzy Osbourne in your talk, it would have been perfect. (I actually heard that once in a missionary's farewell talk... very funny. He even said, "I bet you never thought you'd hear Ozzy quoted in sacrament meeting..." Not exactly "standard works" but still amusing...

Way to go. Seriously! I was impressed.

CMspence said...

FYI -- the above message is the Bro. Coolguy in question for those who didn't get that part.