Tuesday, March 10, 2009

World Domination

I don't wish to toot my own horn, but it has recently come to my attention that I am on my way to total world domination.

I began writing this little ol' blog as a creative outlet; it also gives me a reason to use semi-colons to my heart's delight as I create compound-complex sentences without anyone criticizing me for it (not to mention indulging my addiction to parentheses).

However, what began as something of a "lark" has turned into a "frightening carnivorous lark" as a particular facet of my behavior, as illustrated by my blog, has been turning anyone who reads it into a very specific kind of monster.

The Heckle MonsterTM. Pictured here, clutching its obviously intimidated offspring:

The Heckle Monster is identified by its rapier-sharp wit and understated physical attractiveness. It preys upon those innocents who go through life completely unaware that a lowbrow, wicked sense of humor lurks underneath a genteel veneer. This particular specimen is unusually ruthless, even attacking its own mother, forcing her to heckle formerly beloved movies, sometimes weeping with the ruthlessness of her attack, but helpless to do otherwise.

It's all true. My mother, a paragon of decency and itellectual virtue, recently called me on the phone.

"It's all your fault," she began, which may not sound like a promising start, but it's a fairly typical opening for our conversations.

"What did I do now?" I asked.

"I'm watching Lord of the Rings," she answered. It was all I needed to know. My dear mother now cannot hear Orlando Bloom's voice without grave concern over the state of his bowels, and it's all my fault.

Then, my sister called me to inform me that my beloved nephew, Dervish, was heckling Titanic. I heard him in the background yelling at the television, "Jump off the boat! At least you'll be out of this movie!"

He's 9. I apologize. To my knowledge, Dervish doesn't read my blog, so the only way I could have infected him with my disease would be general contact.

You understand what this means? I am a bio-weapon, a force of mass destruction the likes of which this world has never seen. Imagine what I could do in the evil places of the world:

(Cue imaginary dream sequence music.)

Obama: It's serious this time. We can't get North Korea to back down.

Deb: What do you want me to do?

Obama: We can't mess around here. You're going to have to bring out the big guns.

Deb: You can't mean...

Obama. Yes. The Matrix. The entire trilogy. Then Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. If that doesn't work, The Ten Commandments, Rebecca, and-

Deb: Not-

Obama: Yes.

Deb: I can't heckle that. Think of the children.

Obama: You must. For the good of the nation.

Deb: All right. (flies off into the night, with Sunset Boulevard tucked under her arm...)

(Cue end of dream imaginary music)

Yes, I vow to always use my powers for good, and never, ever heckle Sunset Boulevard again, unless it is for the good of the nation.

And I'm ready for my closeup, Mr. DeMille...


Kristina P. said...

This makes me happy. Leo definitely deserves to be heckled in Titanic.

Jill (Sneaky Momma) said...

You always make me laugh! I love that pic of you and your little one. Absolutely precious, Deb!

CMspence said...

I can't lay all the blame on you. My husband has a great deal of culpability in the heckling that Dervish does. I try to watch dancing with the stars, and the jive is coupled with "if you have to pee THAT bad, then just go!"

Debbie said...

I think the world would be better with a little more heckling!

3 Bay B Chicks said...

A picture of Deb! Oh my goodness. It is like stumbling upon the holy grail in the blogosphere.

You are lovely!

Someday, you know, when you are not busy saving the world, you, me, Brit, and Angie should all get together. Maybe hit the spa, maybe just shop. It will be a hoot.

Call me. We'll set it up.


Boy Mom said...

Good Golly Girl! You are hilllarious!

Love the expression on babies face.

I want to heckle with you!!!

Boy Mom said...

I should dedicate one of my What The.. Friday posts to, What The Heckle...Movies We Love to Hate.