Since I bear so many similarities to some of the world's best-known royalty...
...it was only a matter of time before I experienced my own family scandal. I plan on handling it with clearly offended dignity, allowing myself only half-smiles and gracious nods until I get through it all.
Our scandal is this: Princess has a boyfriend.
I suppose I should have seen this coming. We were due for a scandal; things have been so quiet on the Brangelina front that Jen and John went ahead and broke up again, the Stewart-Cramer showdown was decisive...I guess it was just my turn. As a celebrity in my own mind, I take my responsibilities very seriously.
The scandal has caused shockwaves throughout the day care, my workplace, and most of the house, which explains the mess. Everywhere I go, people are asking me about it, sometimes without being prompted.
Here's the real story, not the exaggerated "tabloid" version you'll get from some disreputable rag like The Kid Place Weekly Newsletter. The other day, I picked Princess, age 3, up from day care. One of the older classes had been combined with hers, and several 4-year-old girls began hugging her goodbye.
"How sweet," I said to myself, not knowing that the real show hadn't started yet.
I didn't notice the 4-year-old Lothario, twirling his inexplicable mustache, slinking ever closer to my frail, tiny child. Before I knew it, he was facing her, alone, except for me and the teachers and the other children.
"Princess," he growled in his breathy 4-year-old manly voice, "I need a kiss."
And she kissed him. Right on the cheek. He kissed her, and they hugged. When she came and took my hand, her smile was rather pleased.
Mommy was stunned.
We drove home in silence. When I questioned her at home, she was nonchalant. "Yes, that's Tyler," she said when I asked if that had been her boyfriend who accosted her at the door.
But when Daddy got home and asked her...
...she BLUSHED. My three-year old blushed when asked about the day care Rhett Butler.
We still haven't recovered; the scandal is still the subject of gossip and open speculation. I can only hope Angelina adopts another baby, or anything to allow me to return to my quiet, private life.
But Tyler will still be around...