Thievery!

Scene: Folksy House, Friday, 8:30 a.m.

Deb: So, what are we doing today?

Sven: Well, the carpets are still wet (note: Sven stayed up until 4 a.m. shampooing the carpet downstairs, hence the late wake-up time) so we need to get out of the house.

Deb: I've already given the kids a bath and they're dressed, but I need a shower.

Sven: Okay.

Deb: Can you check Dexy's diaper? (Turns on shower in bathroom)

Sven: Ew.

Deb: Well, you go change him while I shower.

Sven: (silence, pleading look)

Deb: Really?

Sven: It's so cold out there, and I'm so warm.

Deb: Sven, please-

Sven: All right, where's my pants?

Deb: Fine, I'll change him.

(Deb exits with Dexy.  She and Dexy have an involved conversation about poop, digestion, and the meaning of the words "disgusting" and "awful.")

Deb: (enters bedroom): Princess, where is your daddy?

Princess: He took your shower.

Deb: What?  (Races to bathroom.  Sven is in shower, singing happily.)

Princess: Told ya.

Deb: This will not be forgotten.

Fin.

The Stupidity of Youth

Recently, Miley Cyrus has come under fire for the way she has been dressing and behaving and looking and singing and dancing and breathing and existing.  People say she's "too sexy" for her age, that she is trying to "be sexy" instead of just being natural and age appropriate.  Which, right away, tells me that no one in the media thinks that Miley Cyrus is really attractive, because if she puts on eyeliner, the headlines scream about how hard she's trying.

That being said, I watched her new video, "Can't Be Tamed, But Can Shriek," and immediately called animal control to return her to the wild.  If you missed it, here it is:



The most recent kerfuffle has to do with this outfit, which she wore to perform:

(Just for perspective, here's a picture of Britney Spears at the same age:

)

Miley's outfit?  For a 17-year-old?  I don't see the problem, frankly.  I think the video is awful, but the sick green leotard is just a leotard.  I don't see the problem.  (And, for the record, most of my objection to the video is that it is terrible music accompanied by a terrible video from someone with very little talent who has been mass marketed to the point that children are being conditioned to like her regardless of what she produces.  Not that I have a strong opinion about that.)  Okay, so Miley "defended" herself via this statement:

"I always tell people, everyone goes through a bad point in their life and makes bad choices. But they just haven't been published and it hasn't been documented and (published) on the Internet.


You can see how that would drive people crazy. I would like to see you at 21 and video that and put
that out there for people to comment on,"

So, apparently, Miley's current media strategy is to do stupid things, and then say that she should be allowed to be stupid because young people are stupid, so stop paying attention to all of these things I'm doing to get attention!  Because everyone does stupid things intentionally!  Seriously, Miley is trying to say that the deliberate, business-driven choices she is making with a committee of handlers is the same as a 20-year-old getting wasted at a frat party and waking up with a headache the next day.  Guess what, Miley: most people who make stupid choices in their teens and twenties don't know they are being stupid!  They make those choices because they are stupid, not because they think they are entitled to be.

So compare Miley, who is defending her right to be stupid with calculated, attention-getting stupidity, with this painfully stupid young superstar:

Her name, my friends, is Ke$ha.  Yes, her name has a dollar sign in it, which is classy with a capital K.  This Autotune diva recently made an appearance on Saturday Night Live in which it became painfully obvious that she is utterly without any irony to temper the complete ridiculousness of her "talent."  I once entertained the possibility that she was, perhaps, being awful with a little wink, that it was a Lady Gaga-like commentary on the trashiness of celebrity.  No, as it turns out, Ke$ha is completely earnest.  Look at her two performances from Saturday Night Live, each of which are brimming with avant-garde-like flourishes coupled with the most inane pop music since Tiffany:





(The fan-made tags on Hulu, by the way, include phrases like "would rather be blinded by battery acid; talenteless, worst thing ever," and some that could be considered hurtful.)

It's one thing to be young and stupid.  It's another thing to be young and stupid enough to believe that the adults around you telling you to be stupid have your best interests at heart.  Poor Miley.  Poor Ke$ha.  Poor all of us.

Your Horoscope: This Summer

Using the wisdom of the ancients, I have cast my head into the waters and have come up with your horoscope predictions for this summer.  (Disclaimer: Though I am not an expert in molecular gastronomy, I believe I have come up with a system whereby I examine the pattern of toys my children leave on the stairs to determine the fate of the world.  Your system may vary.)

Aries: A change in hair color will bring about a change in relationships, particularly if you decide on the blue streaks.  A mysterious presence will enter your life in mid-July when you realize you forgot to check the expiration date on the Trix yogurt you bought in January.  Avoid crossing streets that begin with "Q."  Your lucky color is chartreuse.

Taurus: A vacation will bring you self-renewal and an unusual outbreak of poison ivy.  Get a journal for the former and cornstarch for the latter.  There will either be love or disaster when a dark-haired man gives you an estimate for a new water heater.  A small, furry animal will make its way into your heart in August; medications are available.  Your lucky tree is dogwood.

Gemini: Exercise caution when purchasing a new exercise program; no one goes from a size 30 to a size 4 by twisting on a stool.  The squirrels in your backyard are spying on you, buy a cat.  The seventh film on your Netflix queue will provide you with valuable insights into your life.  A tiny woman will ridicule you for your fashion choices, but she will be wearing a comical pointed paper hat, so you may discount her opinion.  Your lucky jewel is marcasite.

Cancer: Your spouse is full of wisdom and needs more praise.  Take care to point out often how attractive you find him or her, and take a class in foot-rubbing and validation.  A long trip will yield memories and diarrhea; take a camera at your own risk.  Despite your best efforts, a pet will find you around the first of the month.  Your lucky jerky is beef.

Leo: Like the lion whose name you bear, you are tawny and strong.  Begin eating raw meat to further tap into your lion powers.  A visit to the eye doctor in July will have unusual results.  Financial rewards will come in August provided you have sufficiently focused your energy towards Saturn (the car) and Jupiter (the planet).  Your lucky air freshener is Glade.

Virgo: Beware Fred Savage on the third moon of Neptune.  That can't be good.  Visit the Build-a-Bear workshop near you for fuzzies and enlightenment.  A large actor will win some sort of award, this is a sign for you to begin to follow your own dream.  Airplanes are usually safe.  Your lucky soft drink is Mello Yello.

Libra: Now is a great time to claim your freedom openly and vocally.  The expression "like my aunt's bathtub" is never a good idea.  Baking cookies with small children can lead to happiness, though deafness in one ear may result.  Screaming monkeys at the zoo are judging you.  Your lucky number is π.

Scorpio: If you choose to photocopy parts of yourself at work, make sure you are surrounded by those you trust.  Drive with caution when the moons of Jupiter oppose Mars, that's just a given.  When you look under your sink, enlightenment will greet you in the form of several small vermin, but they will scatter before you can do more than shout a few questions.  Try anyway.  Your lucky HBO series is True Blood.

Sagittarius: Travel is in your future when you get on the wrong bus.  Relax and enjoy the ride.  Consider purchasing a goat for lawn maintenance and companionship.  A broken appliance is a sign that you need change in your life.  Drive past a swimming pool in mid-July and make a wish.  Egg salad should be avoided when you are expecting company.  Your lucky Russell is Crowe.

Capricorn:  If you think you have everything you want, get ready to be disappointed.  If you don't, too bad.  A viewing of Shrek 4 will bring about malaise and intestinal discomfort.  Pay attention to the wisdom of your dentist, but don't take your eyes off of him, he's tricky.  Consider trading in your glasses for some Elton John specs.  Your lucky canned fish is tuna. 

Aquarius:  You will receive affirmation of your superiority in June, only to have it demolished.  Learn to subsist on your own sense of pride, not others.  Russell Brand is not your ideal mate, please give that up.  Joining Twitter will yield giggles and friends.  A wedding will shortly be followed by some kind of party involving cake.  Your lucky sink is stainless steel.

Pisces:  Watching Law & Order reruns is the key to continuing happiness.  Four hours per day should be considered the minimum.  You will not be the next American Idol, please stay home.  When your aspect is on Mars you should use extra sunscreen.  A change in employment will bring you opportunity.  Romance will follow when you call an exterminator, but not for you.  Your lucky fork is salad.

I hope these adequately prepare all of you for a summer of fun!

Conversation: Sven and Me

Sven: Did you hear about Whoosits?

Deb: No, what's going on with him?

Sven: His wife left him.

Deb: No!

Sven: Yes, she picked up the kids from school and sent him a text message that she was leaving.

Deb: A text message?

Sven: Yep.

Deb: Seriously?  A text message?

Sven: A text message.

Deb: Wow, that's bad.

Sven: Yeah.

Deb: Honey, I promise you, if I ever leave you...

Sven: (chuckles) Okay, I appreciate that.

Deb: ...I won't take the kids.

Fin.

Announcement: Moderation In Effect

With all due apologies to my bloggy friends, it saddens me to say that my comments will be moderated for the next little while.  Somehow, my blog as been targeted by purveyors of Far Eastern Erotica (or Asian porn, for those who enjoy directness).  Desiring to nip that in the bud, I will be moderating until such a time as the quasi-supportive yet linked comments cease.

Stay folksy!

LOST: Finale (Readers Who Do Not Follow Lost feel free to skip, I need this for therapeutic reasons)

Last night was the series finale of "Lost," a show I have watched for its entire 6-year run.  Let me begin my recap by explaining why I feel so incredibly emotionally attached to the show.

When Lost first aired (September 2004), I was beginning tests and treatments for various medical conditions.  (Though the treatments worked quickly, the tests were both painful and discouraging.)  I needed escape.  Lost really provided it, but in a way that made me think.  And I thought all the time!  What is a polar bear doing there?  Who is that French woman?  What are the "Others?"

Season 2 began as I was preparing to give birth to Princess.  I vividly remember watching Lost while sitting on the couch feeding her.  Even now, when I watch episodes, it seems that I can remember holding my babies and talking to Sven, saying, "What are they doing?  How are they going to explain that?"

Last night, we got the answer: they aren't going to explain that.  In fact, they aren't going to explain much of anything, if your idea of "explanation" is someone stating factual information that details why or how something exists or happens.  Instead, the finale brought us intensely satisfying closure on the characters, some of whom we had not seen since Season 1, and raised the question: what's really important?

I'm reading a lot of viewer reaction this morning, and it occurs to me that the camp is pretty evenly divided between softies like me who loved the emotional roller-coaster aspect of the show, and sci-fi geeks like Sven who really liked the mystery and the science.  What intrigues me about the conflict is that each side is equally passionate, and each side thinks the other is wrong.  Not wrong in a "let's debate" sort of way: factually wrong.

(If it isn't obvious from the first few paragraphs, there will be spoilers, but they are about to start, so...)

I always knew the Sideways World wasn't "real" in the same sense that the island was.  While character after character became "Island Enlightened," only Desmond knew that both worlds existed in both worlds.  Jack's journey to Island Enlightenment mirrored his entire journey throughout the series: moving from a man of science to a man of faith.  I think this is what the whole point was: the science was never as important as the characters, the love, the faith of knowing that, even if you didn't understand every detail, it will all end well.

The Sideways World was a sort of limbo/purgatory that the castaways created for themselves, I think for two reasons:

1. To be reunited after death and spend eternity together, yes, but also
2. To live some of the life they *might* have lived if there had been no island, but also if some of their other past mistakes had been erased.

So, in the Sideways World, Sun had never cheated on Jin.  Kate was a fugitive, but she was innocent of the crime she was accused of.  Jack had a family, albeit a dysfunctional one.  Locke had his lovely fiancee and the love of his father, for a time.  Sawyer was an honest cop.  Sayid was not a hired killer.  Hurley was lucky.

So, for the last time, here's MY THEORY!!! on how the Sideways World was created:

When Hurley took over guardianship of the island, Ben told him he could make his own rules, that he didn't have to do the same things Jacob did.  He then said Hurley should do "what you do best: take care of people."  I think Hurley spent his tenure on the island as guardian using the island's power to establish this place, where they could all be together at the point when they are the most happy.  Charlie and Claire can be together and raise Aaron (though the real Aaron has lived his life his own way).  Sun and Jin get to experience her pregnancy together and the birth of Ji Yeon.  Jack and Kate get to live happily ever after.  So, to my extreme and supreme delight, do Sawyer and Juliet.  I think there was a reason Desmond "deputized" Hurley so early into assisting with enlightenment: Hurley was the one who created the Sideways Universe, so until Hurley was ready to move on, none of them could.

As far as the island reality, I don't think it is important to know what the light is, where it came from, etc. There would have been no really plausible scientific explanation for something clearly supernatural/religious.  It was better not to answer it at all.  The important thing is, we know Jacob was telling the truth: if the light goes out, that's very, very bad.  The rest, I will admit, leaves me with some curiosity, but it's pleasant curiosity.  How the heck did the Dharma initiative establish itself on the island?  (My theory: Charles Widmore sold it out, that's where he got his fortune.)

My only real complaint is that I wanted Mr. Eko to be there.  (I know others are bemoaning the lack of Michael/Walt, but not me.)  I loved the Mr. Eko character, and I wanted to see him.  I also wanted to know about the Egyptian statue.  I hope there are some bonus features on the DVD to explain some of this stuff, just to satisfy my own curiosity.

I loved it.  I still have questions, but for six years, that's what Lost gave me: questions to think about.  I love that I'm still thinking.

Relinquishing the Crown

 It is well-documented on this blog that I consider myself ideally suited for two positions:

1. Queen of England, or

2. Oprah.

(You may say, "Deb, those aren't positions, they are people," to which I would reply, "Shut up and fetch my tiara/producer/pool servant.")

Knowing that, it may surprise you to know that I am currently stepping down from my current throne.  Yes, it is hard, but I have come to the conclusion that I am no longer fit to wear the crown.  I am speaking, of course, of my current position as Queen of Passive-Aggressiveness.

I loathe passive-aggressive behavior, which is why I was so surprised to learn that I am the reigning Queen.  "Deb!" you say.  "Not you, you couldn't possibly be passive-aggressive!"  To which I reply, "Of course, you're right."  And then I roll my eyes and write nasty things about you in my Enemies List (or "journal").

I have been doing some rare introspection lately, and I have noticed that I say certain things too often:

"It's going to be a disaster, but I won't say anything."

"They probably need me to do it, but if they need me, they can ask me."

"I won't call her.  If she wants to talk, she'll call me."  (Not you, Momz.)

"Well, I guess we'll try it their way, and when it is a COMPLETE AND UTTER FAILURE AND THE WHOLE PLACE BURNS DOWN, I guess they'll have learned their lesson."  (Slightly exaggerated.)

Further introspection has led me to understand that I don't do this deliberately, it is my defense to feeling unappreciated and overloaded.  Drawing on the wisdom of the ages, "You can only change your own behavior," (Either Dr. Phil or Alice Cooper), I have begun being extremely proactive.  A sample conversation with me now goes like this.

"There is a completely random event coming up that has nothing to do with you," says someone.
"Do you want me to get a musical number ready?" I ask.

-or-

"There is a completely random event coming up that has nothing to do with you," says someone.
"Wow, I'm sorry to miss that," I say.  Or, perhaps, "You'll do a great job!"

-or, best of all-

"Hi, someone who hasn't yet contacted me for help but will certainly need it and wait until the last moment to ask me!  Let me help you!" says Deb.
"Thank you," says someone, sometimes bursting into tears.

The remarkable thing about this new approach is that I am much, much more relaxed.  I no longer sit there wondering when or if I will be asked to deal with something.  I ask outright, and go from there.

I don't do what I do for appreciation, but I wonder if my former passive-aggressiveness was my way of trying to force people into appreciating me.  Not my friends, or my family, but my co-workers and more casual acquaintances.  It's very self-defeating; I think if I make them come ask me at the last minute, they will appreciate me, but if they are thoughtless enough to wait that long, why do I assume they'll be appreciative?  Then again, if I just pop up randomly and offer to do what they need me to do, won't they just take me for granted and, perhaps, assume that what I do is so easy I don't need any notice or warning?

With the end of the school year upon us, it is the time for me to make my resolutions for next year.  I'm going to take a risk and resolve to be far less passive-aggressive at work.  I will continue to anticipate, volunteer, and meddle.  Hopefully this will result in a clearer path and a happier me.

But I promise to keep up the silent heckling at staff development.

Common Courtesy

It is my sincere goal to be the best teacher I can be for my students every day, in hopes that, one day, I will inspire them enough to rate a TV movie based on my life.  It will air, hopefully, on TNT and star Reese Witherspoon, who will do it for an Emmy but will still respect the source material.  (Reese is the only actress with sufficient chin to play me.  If TNT passes, the Lifetime version will star Tori Spelling or that girl from "Father of the Bride."  That will be the unauthorized version, in which I'm molested by my dentist before sponsoring a cheerleading squad who become bounty hunters to raise money for the big trip to Florida.  It will be "loosely based.")

To further that effort, I have been using Ron Clark's "The Essential 55," which lists the 55 rules he teaches his students in order for them to be able to function in school and in the real world.  Some of the rules are very school-specific, about walking in a line, etc., but others are real-word rules.  Most of them cover what used to be called "common courtesy:" if you bump into someone, say "excuse me."  If you are coming through a door and someone is behind you, hold the door for him or her.

You should see the eyes of my students light up with awe when I tell them that there was a time, long, long ago, when people knew it was discourteous to blast loud music at 3 a.m.  When people just *knew* to smile at a stranger, or how to begin a conversation with a face to face person without using the word "wuz" or "zup."  I tell them, "Students, we can do this.  We can bring back common courtesy."  Then one of them farts.

Of course, teaching my own students can only go so far.  To make my dream come true (and let's be clear, the dream is enduring fame for myself and enough money to ensure that I never have to teach again) I must write a book.  Here, then is the beginning of "Folksy Deb's Completely Non-Essential 5: Five Rules People Shouldn't Need But Do, Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire."  (That last isn't really true, but it is total awards bait.)

Rule 1: After someone burps or otherwise emits gas in a public setting, the only polite way to deal with it is to pretend it didn't exist, other than involuntary responses such as tears streaming from your eyes or mild gagging.  At home, if your father, brother, or sister is responsible for the emission, you may tease, fan the air dramatically, or scream "What did you eat???"  If it is your mother or grandmother who is responsible, the same rule as public applies, unless the family pet is blamed.

Rule 2: When you talk to someone, you must look in that person's general direction.  Turning to the side to point at whatever you're complaining about means I can't hear you.  After three times, I will give up, so make it count.

Rule 3: If you want to use big words, please make sure you know what they mean.  Frequently confused words include "appalled" and "impressed," "statuary" and "statuesque," and "flagrant" and "flatulent" (see above).  Believe it or not, your choice of word can alter what you are saying.

Rule 4: If you use the wrong words, do not be upset with the teacher who is now very concerned about your statutory flatulence.  You said it.

Rule 5: Treat a teacher in May the same way you would a fragile, blown-out eggshell that has been delicately painted with pastoral scenes.  If you want her to be around next year, be gentle.  Think long-term.  It's the key to success.

Ms. Witherspoon, I am available for consultations beginning June 4.