Recap: Pretty In Pink (Or: Why We Shouldn't Watch Movies We Remember Loving Twenty-Five Years Ago)

Molly Ringwald: Get up, unemployed but lovable father, I'm clearly the responsible adult in this household as evidenced by the fact that you are unshaven and I dress like an 80-year-old!

Dad: I love your outfit!  You made it, so it was free!  Because the fabric and materials grew on the roof!

Molly Ringwald: I want you to get a job, because it's important to me, the most important person in the universe.

Dad: Have I told you how beautiful you are?

Molly Ringwald: Ew.

(At school)

Ducky: I'm awesome, and everyone knows you should be with me.

Molly Ringwald: I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you through this horrendous hat.

Mean Girls:  Ew.  Your clothes are gross.  We're 37.

Nice Teacher: Mean girls are awful.

Molly Ringwald: No, they're okay.

Mean Girls: No, we suck.  We hate you.

James Spader: I'm clearly in my 20's and smoke, but I'm a high school senior who finds you devastatingly attractive in your granny glasses and...  No, even I can't get past that hat.

Molly Ringwald: Bleh.

James Spader: You're a beast.  (I'm summarizing the censored version that runs on TV.)

(At work)

Record Store Lady: I'm cool!

Blaine: Here I am!  You like me.  I know you like me, because I can hear the soundtrack.

Molly Ringwald: I love you.

Ducky: Let's go hang out at the cool nightclub that only admits underage kids if they're poor.

Molly Ringwald: Okay, but only if we can drive past big fancy houses and dream afterward.

Ducky: Okay, but I get to complain about your music.

Molly Ringwald: Deal.

(The next day, in the library)

Molly Ringwald: Wow, the computer is talking to me in a way that is utterly implausible in 1986 but will be laughably outdated in ten years!

Blaine: It's me.  I have teeth.  You can see them when I smile.

Molly Ringwald: Swoon.

(Commercials for Hershey's chocolate and psoriasis.  I think they were two different commercials.)

Dad: I got a job.

Molly Ringwald: Oh, good!  I'm so happy!  That makes me so happy!

Dad: I lied.

Molly Ringwald: What?

Dad: Nothing.  Go to school.

(At school)

Blaine: I really like you.

Molly Ringwald: But you're rich and I'm poor.  There have literally never in the history of the world been lovers as star-crossed yet as ill-fated and incompatible as we.  We apparently attend a school that is segregated on strictly economic lines.  We face clearly insurmountable odds and will struggle our entire lives to overcome the hatred of those who urge us to stick to our own kind.

Blaine: You want to go to a party?

Molly Ringwald: Sure. (giggle)

James Spader: You asked out that horrid wretch who has literally no redeeming qualities?

Blaine: You really think that?

James Spader: Oh yeah.

Blaine: Hmmm...

(At Home)

Ducky: I love you so much, even though I would be your gay best friend if this movie had come out a few years later.

Molly Ringwald: I love you too, but only in a friend way, and I show my love by constantly criticizing you.

Ducky: I'm gay.

Molly Ringwald: What?

Ducky: Nothing.

(Gym class)

Friend: I smoke.

Molly Ringwald: I'm a good girl.

Gym Teacher: I hate poor people!  Get out!

(Principal's office)

Principal: I'm weak but nice.

Molly Ringwald: I'm poor.

Principal: Let's call the whole thing off.

(At work)

Boss: I'm incompetent!  It's a good thing I have you working for me, you're the only person in the universe with any intelligence whatsoever.

Molly Ringwald: You're right.

Ducky: (Lipsyncs)

Molly Ringwald: (unimpressed)

Ducky: BLAINE????

Blaine: Hi.

Ducky: (sob)

(In a stable?)

Molly Ringwald: Sigh, I love you so much.

Blaine: Do you want to go to prom?

Molly Ringwald: IT IS ONLY THE VERY THING THAT I TOTALLY LIVE FOR!!

Blaine: Um...  Maybe I already have a date.

(At home)

Dad: I got you this sort of okay dress.  Maybe you can make it into something so tremendously ugly, people will go blind from looking at it.

Molly Ringwald: Thanks, Daddy!  How's the job?

Dad: Fake.

Molly Ringwald: Great!

(At her boss' apartment?)

Boss: Look at me, I grew up in the '60's!

Molly Ringwald: I'm going to prom and I want your dress.

Boss: I'm wearing my prom dress and my hair is in a beehive, and I'm still cool.

Molly Ringwald: Dress now, please.

Boss: All right.  Just promise me that you will use it to make a dress so inexplicably tacky and ill-fitting that people will wonder how mankind survived the first screening of this movie.

Molly Ringwald: Deal.

(At school)

Blaine: I can't go to prom with you.

Molly Ringwald: JUST SAY IT!  YOU'RE RICH AND I'M POOR SO YOU'RE ASHAMED TO BE SEEN WITH ME!  AND ALSO I'M THIS CRAZY SCREAMING SHREW WHO IS TOTALLY EMBARRASSING YOU IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE YOU'RE SUCH A BIG JERK!

Blaine: Something suddenly came up.

Marcia: Ow, my nose!

Blaine: Get out of here.

Ducky: Hey, James Spader!  We will fight now!

James Spader: (smarms)

Ducky: (sobs and runs down the hall of a school that apparently doesn't consider fighting or smoking a serious discipline problem, but talking in gym class will get you sent to the principal's office)

(Before the prom)

THAT IS THE UGLIEST, MOST HIDEOUS DRESS I HAVE EVER SEEN.

Molly Ringwald: Who said that?

OH, NO, MY OPINIONS ON THAT DRESS ARE SO STRONG THEY HAVE BOTH TRAVELED THROUGH TIME AND BROKEN THROUGH THE FOURTH WALL TO ALERT THE STAR OF THIS MOVIE AS TO HOW TERRIBLE THAT DRESS IS.

Molly Ringwald: I love you, Daddy.

WHATEVER.

(At the prom)

Blaine: I own a white dinner jacket.

Ducky: My shoes are dirty.

Molly Ringwald: Blaine, I choose you!

NO!  YOU CHOOSE DUCKY!  BECAUSE IN 1986 YOU REALLY COULD DATE YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND!

Molly Ringwald: Seriously, did anyone else hear that?

Fin.