Sunday, April 5, 2009

Real-Life Crime Drama: Denied

As I mentioned briefly in my last update of my battle against the universe, I was recently subpoenaed to appear as a witness in a criminal trial.

{Cue Law & Order-style sound effects: chung, chung!}

My first thought was, naturally, "Oh, poop."  But the more I thought about it, the more I decided being subpoenaed wasn't a bad thing.  It would be just like guest starring on Law & Order, Law & Order: SVU, or Law & Order: Criminal Intent.  This version would be Law & Order: Traffic Court.

{chung, chung!}

Normally, a celebrity of my status wouldn't deign to do television, but a cameo as a witness on a well-rated crime show is acceptable for even megastars like Oscar-winner Julia Roberts or two-time Oscar-winner Hilary Swank's ex-husband Chad Lowe.  So here is the screenplay for my episode of Law & Order: Traffic Court.

Voice Over: In the criminal justice system, there are two separate yet equal entities responsible for the fighting of minor traffic violations.  The police, who nod a lot, and the prosecutor, who has voice mail.  These are their stories.

{chung, chung!

Title: 4:35 p.m., Garth Road, Buttville, Texas

Handsome Detective: What have we got?

Beat Cop:  Um, some guy pulled out in front of another guy.

Handsome Detective: Any witnesses?

Beat Cop: Yeah, she's filling out a witness report over there.  [Indicates stunningly beautiful lady in battered Honda Element.]

Grizzled Veteran Detective: What a way to start the week.

Beat Cop:'s Wednesday.

{Chung, chung!}

Title: Traffic Court Part 453846

Smarmy Defense Attorney: Please identify yourself for the record.

Deb: I'm Deb.

Smarmy Defense Attorney: Deb, why are you here today?

Deb: I witnessed the accident.

Smarmy Defense Attorney: And what, exactly, did you see?

Deb: I saw one car hit another car.

Smarmy Defense Attorney: How convenient.  Yet, isn't it true that you were listening to your iPod at the time?

Deb: Yes, but-

Smarmy Defense Attorney: Please tell the court the name of the song you were listening to at the time of the accident.

Deb: I don't remember, I think it was Supermassive Black Hole-

Smarmy: And yet you expect us to believe that you remember seeing a car hit another car right in front of you, when you can't even be sure about the song that was playing on your iPod?

Prosecutor: I object!  The witness is beautiful.  She shouldn't have to answer these questions.  Her eyes aren't even glistening with unshed tears.

Judge: Sustained.

Smarmy Defense Attorney: Oh, come on!

Deb: Wait, I can glisten!

Judge: You may step down.

{chung, chung!}

Unfortunately, I'll never know the glamour of testifying as a witness in small-town traffic court.  I received notice that the case has been settled, making my testimony unnecessary.

They'll never know what they're missing.


Kristina P. said...

Hmmmm, I'm slightly offfended on behalf of that one Asian person I knew in college, and Panda Express, with the usage of "chung, chung."

I always thought it was "dung dung." Poop doesn't get offended because, well, it always stinks the place up.

the domestic flunky said...

You would have glistened beautifully. :) Love the drama!

Boy Mom said...

Smarmy, that's a great word. So if I read your resume and want you to represent me could you get me a part on Law & Order: Traffic Court. I'll even provide my own ticket. Wait, do parking tickets count?

Barbaloot said...'s Wednesday. Classic:)

Lynnette Labelle said...

Love the scene. Great job!

Lynnette Labelle

Debbie said...

Perhaps you should write for TV!