Sunday, April 5, 2009

Real-Life Crime Drama: Denied

As I mentioned briefly in my last update of my battle against the universe, I was recently subpoenaed to appear as a witness in a criminal trial.

{Cue Law & Order-style sound effects: chung, chung!}

My first thought was, naturally, "Oh, poop."  But the more I thought about it, the more I decided being subpoenaed wasn't a bad thing.  It would be just like guest starring on Law & Order, Law & Order: SVU, or Law & Order: Criminal Intent.  This version would be Law & Order: Traffic Court.

{chung, chung!}

Normally, a celebrity of my status wouldn't deign to do television, but a cameo as a witness on a well-rated crime show is acceptable for even megastars like Oscar-winner Julia Roberts or two-time Oscar-winner Hilary Swank's ex-husband Chad Lowe.  So here is the screenplay for my episode of Law & Order: Traffic Court.

Voice Over: In the criminal justice system, there are two separate yet equal entities responsible for the fighting of minor traffic violations.  The police, who nod a lot, and the prosecutor, who has voice mail.  These are their stories.

{chung, chung!

Title: 4:35 p.m., Garth Road, Buttville, Texas

Handsome Detective: What have we got?

Beat Cop:  Um, some guy pulled out in front of another guy.

Handsome Detective: Any witnesses?

Beat Cop: Yeah, she's filling out a witness report over there.  [Indicates stunningly beautiful lady in battered Honda Element.]

Grizzled Veteran Detective: What a way to start the week.

Beat Cop: But...it's Wednesday.

{Chung, chung!}

Title: Traffic Court Part 453846

Smarmy Defense Attorney: Please identify yourself for the record.

Deb: I'm Deb.

Smarmy Defense Attorney: Deb, why are you here today?

Deb: I witnessed the accident.

Smarmy Defense Attorney: And what, exactly, did you see?

Deb: I saw one car hit another car.

Smarmy Defense Attorney: How convenient.  Yet, isn't it true that you were listening to your iPod at the time?

Deb: Yes, but-

Smarmy Defense Attorney: Please tell the court the name of the song you were listening to at the time of the accident.

Deb: I don't remember, I think it was Supermassive Black Hole-

Smarmy: And yet you expect us to believe that you remember seeing a car hit another car right in front of you, when you can't even be sure about the song that was playing on your iPod?

Prosecutor: I object!  The witness is beautiful.  She shouldn't have to answer these questions.  Her eyes aren't even glistening with unshed tears.

Judge: Sustained.

Smarmy Defense Attorney: Oh, come on!

Deb: Wait, I can glisten!

Judge: You may step down.

{chung, chung!}

Unfortunately, I'll never know the glamour of testifying as a witness in small-town traffic court.  I received notice that the case has been settled, making my testimony unnecessary.

They'll never know what they're missing.

6 comments:

Kristina P. said...

Hmmmm, I'm slightly offfended on behalf of that one Asian person I knew in college, and Panda Express, with the usage of "chung, chung."

I always thought it was "dung dung." Poop doesn't get offended because, well, it always stinks the place up.

the domestic flunky said...

You would have glistened beautifully. :) Love the drama!

Boy Mom said...

Smarmy, that's a great word. So if I read your resume and want you to represent me could you get me a part on Law & Order: Traffic Court. I'll even provide my own ticket. Wait, do parking tickets count?

Barbaloot said...

But...it's Wednesday. Classic:)

Lynnette Labelle said...

Love the scene. Great job!

Lynnette Labelle
http://lynnettelabelle.blogspot.com

Debbie said...

Perhaps you should write for TV!