Since I haven't received any nibbles from my Life-Coach Resume, I thought I'd put my amazing wisdom and shocking wit to use as an advice columnist. I have all of the attributes necessary to become a nationally syndicated advice columnist. I:
- Own a computer, and
- Like to judge people
I'm not aware of any other qualifications, other than having a twin sister and/or advice columnist mother. Unfortunately, I have no twin, and my mother chose to fritter her life away being a terrific mom and a scriptural scholar. If only she'd had the foresight to do something really valuable with her time, like advising brides on which side of the reception hall should house the bidet for European guests! Thanks, Mom. I shall persevere regardless, and answer letters from my adoring and imaginary public.
Now, all I have to do is sit back and wait for the letters to pour in. Ah! My first one is here already!
I am a handsome, charismatic, sexy, succesful actor. I am in my "middle years," so to speak, yet have never found real love. I have dated a succession of young, gorgeous women whose careers have ranged from model to reality-show contestant. Why can't I find true love?
I feel your pain. I understand how difficult it is to find your one true love when the entire world adores you. I have been there. This is what you need to do: develop a completely platonic but utterly dependent relationship with a wife/mother closer to your age. I'm sure you can think of someone.
Hang out at her house, mow her lawn, wipe her fevered brow. She will show you where true happiness lies. It is not in perky bosoms and round rears. It is in the gentle folds of loving arms and chin hairs that defy plucking. You'll see. I've e-mailed you my address, please hurry, the lawn is really getting out of hand.
Wow, that was easy! I think now the letters will pour in. With advice like that, how can I fail? I expect to be syndicated very soon.