Mary Sue

I have come to the conclusion, sadly, that I am a Mary Sue. I can no longer ignore the evidence.

Requirement 1: Exotic Beauty. Obviously. I am certainly an "exotic" beauty, if "exotic" means "in a way not currently recognized by humans or the more intelligent mammals."

Requirement 2: Exceptionally Talented. Please. I have written over 7 pieces of music that have been rejected by the prestigious Texas University Interscholastic League Sight Reading Contest Committee. "Keep trying" is typical of the praise I receive for my groundbreaking work.

Requirement 3: Flaws are Endearing Character Traits. Seriously? Everyone who knows me considers me to be without meaningful flaws, as they tell me every time I loudly demand they do so. My physical flaws, if you can even call them that, serve as entertainment to my children, as my son slaps my belly and my daughter plays connect-the-dots with my moles. Jealous?

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Requirement 4: Amazing Powers and Abilities. This is getting ridiculous. I routinely find simple solutions to seemingly insurmountable problems. The other night, there was a crisis in our household- there were no clean clothes for Sven to wear to work. All was seemingly lost, the future of our family in question, until I stepped in to save the day.

On my own, I discovered a previously unknown alcove in our kitchen containing a miraculous being that cleans clothes.

I know it seems unbelievable, but this wonderful discovery only requires that you insert dirty clothes, add some soap, and then turn it on. Sven was amazed, too dumbfounded to approach the beast himself, so I waded in and wrestled his clothes into the belly of the monster. I had no sooner done this, than, lo and behold: its mate was next to it, waiting to dry the clean clothes with the heat from its powerful lungs.

This saved the day, allowing our family to continue. I don't ask for credit, I just ask for jewelry and a massage.

Then I invented the frozen lasagne, temporary tattoo, and angled toothbrush.

I know, it seems unbelievable, but it's all true. So, to critics of "Mary Sues" in fiction, remember- there are some of us really out there, just waiting to be discovered.