Thoughtful...

An Actual Conversation

Time: Earlier this evening

Place: The Folksy House

Players: Deb and Princess

Princess: Mommy, when I grow up I'm going to have teats.

Deb: Well... we don't call them "teats" on humans.  "Teats" are what we call them on animal mommies.

Princess: So what do we call yours?

Deb: Um...

Princess: Boobies?

Deb: Well, no-

Princess: Boobs?

Deb: Uh, that's-

Princess: Mom, just tell me what you call them.

Deb: Breasts.  We call them breasts, honey.

Princess:  That's disgusting.

Resolutions 2012

The things I hope to accomplish in 2012, provided the world does not end:

1. Maintain weight.  Do you know how amazing it is to not write, "Lose weight?"  For the first time in my ENTIRE LIFE, I am at an appropriate and healthy weight for my height.  I have gained 2-4 pounds over the holidays, though, so I do not want to take anything for granted.

2. Wear high heels more.  I'm an upwardly mobile career woman.  I ought to be able to walk in heels.

3. Run a half-marathon.  You'll all be pleased to know that Sven laughed out loud when I told him this one, then said, "Sorry, were you actually serious?"  Aw yeah.  It's on now.

4. Clean my house.  I want to not only get my house clean; I want to organize things so cleaning is easier.  We've lived in this house since May of 2004; it might be time to go through the boxes I just shoved in a closet and throw some things out.

5. Spend time with those I love.  I want to spend time with my family, but I also want to get together with my friends more.

6.  Just trust me when I say I have a lot of work to do in a particular area that I don't want to discuss.

7. Write more.  I want to really write this year.  Looking back on 2011 has revealed to me that I did precious little "real" writing; I edited stuff I'd written before, but that was about it.  I want to really dedicate some time to writing this year.

8. Spend more time with my husband.  Sven and I need some grown-up time.  We've had two date nights now, thanks to Momz, and I really want to keep it up!  I find myself forgetting that, yes, I had a relationship with this man for almost 12 years before we had children.

9. Continuing Education: I want to start on my master's degree this year.  Even one class would be a start!

10. Positivity: I want 2012 to be about what can happen instead of what can't.  I want to see the good in every situation.  I want to look at myself and like what I see.

Happy New Year everyone!  What are your resolutions?

-Deb

Recipe: Deb's Amazing Apple Pie (Non-Diet, Completely Unhealthy)

Ingredients:

3 cups Fuji apples, cut into small chunks.  (about 4 good sized apples)
Prepared (or frozen) regular pie crust, not deep-dish
2/3-3/4 cup white sugar
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. nutmeg
1/2 tsp. ginger
dash salt

Topping:
1/2 stick (4 tbsp) butter (not margarine, real, SALTED butter)
1/2 cup brown sugar (I prefer dark brown)
1/2 cup flour
1/2 cup chopped pecans

Method:

1. Listen as your oldest child laments, with just a hint of tears, "You never make apple pie and it's my FAVORITE DESSERT in the WHOLE WORLD and I'll DIE IF YOU DON'T MAKE ME ONE."

2. Recall fondly when, as a teenager, you made really amazing apple pie.  Remember how easy it was and how impressed everyone in your extended family was when you brought it to Thanksgiving dinner.

3. Go to the store and lovingly select 5 pounds of apples so you have "enough."

4. Preheat oven to 400 degrees.  Allow your youngest child to pull up a stepstool so he can "help" with the making of the pie.

5. Chop up 8 apples.  About 4 will go into the pie crust, the other 4 should be stolen by your children and (you are reasonably certain) husband.

6. Combine the sugar, spices, and salt in a cereal bowl and mix with a fork.  (Reserve fork for later.)  Dump the mixture on the apples and toss until reasonably evenly coated.

7. Using the fork (you're welcome), mash together the butter, flour, and brown sugar until you've got something more-or-less dough-like.  Add pecans and mash some more.

8. Using your fingers, press the crumb mixture over the top of the apples.  USE IT ALL.  You heard me.

9. Pop that sucker right into the oven.  Use a cookie sheet.  We're not savages, for heaven's sake.

10.  Let it cook for 40 minutes as you lament the state of your thighs.

11.  At the 40 minute mark, turn off the oven and look at it longingly as it cools.  LEAVE THE PIE IN THERE.  Do not question me.

12.  About an hour later, pull the cookie sheet out.  You're welcome.  The pie should also be there, amid the delicious drips of spiced apple goo.

13.  Call your children to sample the pie.  Look at the light in their eyes as they race down the stairs screaming, "Mommy made us a pie!  We have the best mommy ever!"

14. Observe the light in their eyes die as your oldest says, "Ew, that's what an apple pie looks like?  I am NOT eating THAT."

15. Put those children to bed.

16. Open the cool whip.

17. It was too good for them, anyway.

A Completely Materialistic and Shallow Reflection on the Holidays

I love Christmas.  Mostly I love the gifts.  I love giving gifts, but I also love, love, LOVE getting gifts.  Does that make me shallow?  Possibly.  If it does, I don't care, because I'm busy admiring my reflection in whatever surface is handy.

Each year Sven and I do the ritual dance known as "I Don't Know What To Get You For Christmas, Soul Mate."  Seriously, we have been together almost nineteen years (almost half my life!) and he acts as though I am some unknowable mystery when it comes to gifts.

In truth, I'm pretty easy.  I have a lot of things I like, and many of them are things I believe of which one cannot have too many.  (That was exhausting.  I'm going to eat a chocolate bar now.)  Herewith, then, is my list of THINGS FOR WHICH I HAVE AN INFINITE APPETITE:

1. Jewelry.  I love jewelry.  Tacky, tasteful, real, imaginary, costume, subtle, sparkly, vintage, brand-new... I love it all.  Give me jewelry and you will see a happy Deb.

2. Shoes.  I own a lot of shoes but generally only wear one or two pairs 99% of the time.  The others are for me to put on my feet and admire as I wobble from one end of the closet to the other, remembering why I don't wear cute shoes all the time.

3. Makeup.  Namely lipstick, eye shadow, and nail color.  I really don't think you can ever have enough. Sven disagrees, particularly about the nail color; he recently calculated that I have over 50 different nail polishes in my vintage plastic straw purse.

4. Purses.  I love bags.  Totes, clutches, hobo, cross-body, satchels, handbags...  Keep 'em coming.  I also love wallets and organizers.

5. Clothes.  Pretty clothes?  Forget about it.  Enough said.  Pajamas, socks, unmentionables...  I love it.

6.  Blankets & bedding.

7. Anything I have "Seen On TV."  I'll try it all.

8. Anything made by Apple.

9. Books, TV shows, and movies about vampires.  I'll take it all, from the laughably bad to the artistically implausible.

10. Money.  You can never be too rich or too thin.

Not that I would know.

If You Can't Blame The Dog...

Since my recent intestinal adventure, I have become fearful-to-the-point of phobic of constipation.

I blame the well-meaning X-Ray tech (a former student of my father, thank you very much!) who earnestly explained to me about a possible complication of barium ingestion:

"You drunk about a half a gallon of barium, right?" she pointed out.  I nodded.  "Sometimes the body does strange things.  It can happen that your intestine will suck out all of the water, and just leave the barium itself behind, like a little plug of radioactive concrete in your colon.  So just drink plenty of water for a while, okay?  And if your poop is white, that's good.  It means it's the barium coming out safely."

Visualizing a plug of white, radioactive concrete in my colon did not make me happy.  Even imagining the superpowers that might result from such a situation did not ease my mind.  I dutifully drank tons of water and watched for any resulting whiteness, but alas, it did not appear.  Even the knowledge that, by now, all of the barium must be gone, does not ease (ha!) my mind.

So I have been consuming a staggering amount of fiber.  I think I'm up to around 30 grams of fiber a day, thanks to Splenda With Fiber (3 grams of fiber per yummy teaspoon!) and steel-cut oatmeal.  A few fiber gummies, a FiberOne Brownie or two... I'm good.  This amount of fiber, however, means that my organs are always giving a recital, so to speak.  This recital is often only heard by me, but it is, alas, "appreciated" by all.

This is not so much an issue at home as it is at school, since even the most well mannered thirteen-year-old can often not resist a comment like, "Who did that?  Or did something die in your room this morning?"

My tactic, since I have no dog to blame: keep moving and hope they blame each other.  So far, it works.

"Miss, they need to stop making those quesadillas (pronounced phonetically as "kwe-sa-dill-ohs") for breakfast!" one girl earnestly proclaimed.  "'Cause it is stinky after a while!"

"Oh, dear!" I say without a trace of irony as I float gently from one side of the room to another.  The moving teacher farts, and having farted, moves on, is my new motto.  Perhaps not worthy of a sampler, but it works for me.

(The above post is dedicated to my friend Laura, who posted her desire for a new blog post on my Facebook wall.  I hope you are happy.  The rest of you now know who to blame.)

Happy holidays!

Deb's "Dy-no-mite" Pumpkin Bars

I love, love, love pumpkin, so this is a happy time of year for me.  This is a recipe I have honed over several iterations.  It began as a nearly fat-free, almost vegan recipe for pumpkin cookies, but I have altered it to fit my nutritional needs.  It is delicious, but very, very heavy and filling.  I will note where you might want to alter the recipe, depending on what you need:

Preheat oven to 350.  Line a 9X13 baking pan with parchment paper (or grease it, I don't care what you do.  You never call me anymore.).

In a large bowl, combine the following dry ingredients:

3 cups rolled oats
1+1/3 cup whole wheat flour
2/3 cup vanilla whey protein powder (note: I put this in to add protein.  The recipe will work just fine without it, but you will want to increase the whole wheat flour to around 1 + 3/4 - 2 cups, or maybe put in about 1/2 cup all-purpose flour.  It's a journey.)

Thoroughly mix the dry ingredients until they are completely blended and there are no lumps.  Using a sifter is helpful.  Once the dry ingredients are ready, add:

1/3 cup brown sugar
2/3 cup Splenda with Fiber  (Note: I put this in to make this bar more fiber-rich.  Plain Splenda or white sugar works fine, or you can do 1/2 cup brown and 1/2 cup white.)
1 teaspoon each cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, and cloves.  (Or a couple of teaspoons pumpkin pie spice)

Blend the sugars and spices into the dry ingredients.  Once the mixture is even and fine, add

1 enormous (29 oz) can pumpkin (or two small cans, or two cups pumpkin puree)  (Note: do not use pumpkin pie filling, get the 100% pure pumpkin puree)
2 eggs (note: to make this recipe fat-free, use 1/3 cup applesauce, but I need the extra protein and fat from the eggs)
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
dash orange extract (optional, but I like the little citrus note there.  It will totally overpower if too much is used, though)

Mix everything up until it is smooth.  Add a bag of white chocolate chips and, if you like, a bag of craisins or a cup of raisins.  Pour mixture (which will be very thick) into your lined pan and bake at 350 for about 45 minutes to an hour.  Start testing it; when the toothpick comes out cleanly it is done.

Allow it to cool and then slice into very small bars.  I recommend at least 36 servings per pan.  Here's what they look like:

I suggest freezing half for later consumption; a little goes a long, long way.

Enjoy!

Thankful for Memes

It's November again, which means two things:

1. National Novel Writer's Month

2. "Month of Thankfulness" Facebook posts.

Of all of the Facebook memes, the "Month of Thankfulness" has to be the least annoying.  (93% of people will not agree with me.  Will you be one of the courageous 7% who do?)  Unlike other memes, this one actually serves the purpose it claims to: remind people that they have lots of things to be thankful for.  Unlike "raising awareness" for breast cancer by posting hideously annoying, vague allusions to pregnancy and/or major life alterations, this one is straightforward, simple, and sincere.

Unfortunately, due to other commitments in my life both major (National Novel Writer's Month, a new Twilight movie, fiber consumption) and minor (marriage, children, career), I do not have the stamina to commit to a 30-day Facebook meme.  Therefore, I am posting my month of thankfulness here, on my blog, all at once.

Day 1: I am thankful for National Novel Writer's Month, which gives me a focused outlet for my creativity.

Day 2: I am thankful for my health, so recently recovered.

Day 3: I am thankful for Splenda with fiber, for transforming my morning bowl of oatmeal into a seismic event.

Day 4: I am thankful for Fresca.

Day 5: I am thankful for a daughter who knows the difference between fiction and non-fiction, who instructs me on the way the Plains Indians used every part of the buffalo, who insists on "doing demonstrations" to show me the proper way to do things, but who still can't put on her own socks.

Day 6: I am thankful that my son is toilet trained.

Day 7: I am thankful that my son is learning how to aim.

Day 8: I am thankful for Clorox wipes.

Day 9: I am thankful for my homemade pumpkin-protein-fiber bars with white chocolate chips.  Though I cannot eat them in the presence of fellow humans, they are delicious.

Day 10: I am thankful for overly informative bumper stickers.  It is helpful to know that the abysmal driver in front of me is an idiot in other ways.

Day 11: I am thankful for my stalwart, long-suffering husband, Sven, who puts up with many people in our life now calling him Sven because of this blog.

Day 12: I am thankful to the Victoria's Secret Panty Raid sale.  Good times.

Day 13: I am thankful for my job, which provides me with new challenges every day.

Day 14: I am thankful that I am a mere 22 years away from retirement.

Day 15: I am thankful for my mother, who has surpassed me in cool technology.  She has a smart phone and a Kindle.  My Nokia flip phone has a rotary dial.

Day 16: I am thankful for the iPad 2 for giving me yet another unattainable dream.

Day 17: I am thankful for my enormous Rainforest Cafe mug, which has provided me with an identity.  ("Look, it's the cup lady!")

Day 18: I am thankful for my church calling, because it is the only time during the week that I don't have to deal with children.

Day 19: I am thankful for the children, whom I believe to be the future.

Day 20: I am thankful for Whitney Houston, who shows us all the money, talent, and fame in the world won't stop someone thoroughly determined to make an ass of herself from doing so publicly.

Day 21: I am thankful for gravity, which prevents me from drifting into space.

Day 22: I am thankful for wonderful, supportive friends, both those I know in real life and those I know online.

Day 23: I am thankful for internet drama, which proves that even the silliest, least consequential thing in the world can become a giant hairy mess of emotion under the right circumstances.

Day 24: I am thankful for Kim Kardashian, who makes me feel much better about myself.

Day 25: I am grateful for vague clearance sale mark-downs, like "Take 65% of the lowest ticketed price (reduction taken at the register)" and there are eleven crossed out prices but when you get it to the register they actually pay you to take it away.  (Not really, but I got an $80 sweater today for $11.90 at Macy's.)

Day 26: I am grateful for modern medicine and all the advantages it has brought us.

Day 27: I am grateful for Methodist Hospital payment plans.  It should only take me a few decades to pay off my most recent adventure!

Day 28: I am grateful for my younger friends, who are having babies left and right so I don't have to.

Day 29: I am grateful for digital cable.

Day 30: I am grateful for the opportunity I have to be snarky, snide, sarcastic, and snipey on this blog.  And Olestra.

Happy Thanksgiving!