Doin' it Kanye Style

I'm watching the VMA's, and with the first award of the night came the first jaw-dropping train wreck of the night.

No, I'm not counting the Michael Jackson tribute as a train wreck. The performance part was cool, Janet Jackson did well. The bizarre intro by Madonna, in which we were essentially told everything Madonna and Michael had in common, wasn't a train wreck, it was just weird and self-serving, and since it's Madonna, what can we expect?

No, the train wreck occurred when Kanye West decided that the wrong person won the first award.

To recap, when Taylor Swift won the first award, beating out favorites Beyonce and Lady Gaga, she was endearingly stunned and humble, earning approving applause and reaction from the crowd.

Enter Kanye.

Mr. West leaped onstage, took the microphone, and, pointing to Beyonce in the audience, said "Beyonce had the best video of the year." Beyonce was stunned, Miss Swift just stood there, and the audience gave their opinion of the whole thing with resounding boos. By the time Miss Swift had recovered the mike, the no doubt frantic production team had switched to a video short, cutting off the rest of her speech.

My adoration for Beyonce's video has been well documented on this blog. Dexy adores "Put a Ring on It" and still watches it on occasion, grinning like a man in love.

I also really liked "Poker Face," the video from Lady Gaga that was up for the award.

I don't care for Taylor Swift. Had she simply gone up and accepted the award, my reaction would have been, "Huh. Didn't see that coming."

But because of Mr. West's comments, my reaction was, "Poor thing! She got the award, let her say thank you! Get out of it! Who are you to interrupt the whole award ceremony?"

Not only that, but when Taylor Swift performed just a few minutes later, I thought, "Maybe I was too hard on her. That wasn't bad." I felt that way mostly because she was able to shake everything off and deliver a poised, fun performance.

So, Kanye West, job well done. You just earned Taylor Swift a potential new fan. And you've inspired me. From now on, I'm going to be like Kanye.

When I'm at a faculty meeting and the principal starts talking about testing, I'm going to get up and say, "All y'all listen up, this testing is bad for our kids and bad for our schools, know what I'm sayin'?" I'm sure my new attitude will earn both respect and awe.

Oh, and school board meetings...that's going to be awesome. They will love to see me come in the door.

I wonder when our next Home Owner's Association meeting is?

I can't even imagine all of the ways I can use this newfound self-confidence at church. My mind literally boggles. I'm sure they won't mind, I'm just keeping it real.

So do yourself a favor. Be like Kanye. Then, you too can become a once-beloved-now-despised celebrity who actually gets escorted out of the rowdiest, least regulated event in entertainment.

A Wicked Backhand

It is considered bad manners to offer an uninvited observation on someone's appearance.

Even to give a compliment. If someone has not directly asked you, "How do I look?" it is rude to offer your opinion on their appearance.

Today, the wisdom of that was reaffirmed to me.

"Deb, what are you doing different?" my colleague asked me in the hall at lunch. "You look pretty."

Was there ever a compliment more badly phrased? I'm sure there was. But this one was a doozy. I have failed to capture the semi-awed tone implying that I was unfit for viewing in daylight before in print, but it was there.

Fortunately for us all, I know this lady is a sweet, kind, amazing individual who teaches kindergarten. A saint, in other words. I know she meant to pay me a sincere compliment, and her chagrin when she realized what she said was genuine and a little painful.

Also fortunately, I am a survivor of foot-in-mouth disease, which has plagued me for years. I'm constantly reviewing what I say or write in fear of saying the wrong thing. Every time I relax my vigilance, something slips through that causes me to spend the next six months writhing in mortification every time I remember it, which is every second of every day.

So, to my wonderful colleague, thank you for the lovely compliment. I accepted it, and continue to accept it, in the spirit in which I know you intended it.

And I'm pretty sure it was the haircut. I am pretty cute, if I do say so myself...

Happy Monday!!

Facebook Etiquette

Continuing in my series on "Making The World A Better Place By Attempting To Create Rules For Everything," today's topic is Facebook Etiquette.

Facebook has opened up a mannerly can of worms for those of us who attempt to behave with utmost correct politeness at all times. None of the well-known etiquette mavens, as far as I know, have come up with a specific code of conduct for Facebook, and I think I understand why. There are different ways to view Facebook, and depending on how you view Facebook, the polite standard of behavior will change.

1. Facebook as a "neighborhood." In this scenario, Facebook is like a neighborhood street, and people's walls are like their homes. Anything you wish to post on your wall, therefore, is welcome and appropriate, and it is rude to ask people not to post those things, even things that may be offensive to you.

Problem: In a real home, what's in your house stays in your house. On Facebook, what's posted to your wall also gets posted to all of your friends' news feeds, so that when they call up their home page, "How Libertarians Will Kill Us All And Eat Our Young" is there whether they agree or not. However, you can block friends from your news feed, or de-friend them if the offense if strong enough.

Problem: It would be considered rude in the extreme to comment on things in people's actual homes in anything but the nicest way. If, for instance, I have a picture of myself with President Obama hung in my home, the only polite thing to say, even if you believe Obama is taking this country down in a socialism-fueled ball of flames, is "How nice for you!" On Facebook, however, people are SUPPOSED to comment on what you post. It's the whole point. So posting a picture of yourself with religious or political connotations is going to invite comment, which will lead to possibly heated discussion of a socially forbidden topic, which isn't polite.

2. Facebook is a big party, and what takes place on Facebook are just the kind of conversations that happen at the kind of big party where a lot of different types of people are gathered together.

Problem: Many. There are many, many ways to offend people in conversation, and all of them seem to exist on Facebook. There is misinterpretation, hot-button topics, carrying on conversations while excluding someone, discussing events in front of people who weren't invited...it's endless, really. If people view their walls as parties they themselves are hosting, then some sort of control can be attempted, but in my opinion it comes off as rude to attempt to tell people what they can and can't post. I've deleted posts on occasion when I felt they were inappropriate for my wall, but I've always felt badly about it, like I kicked a friend out of a party for cussing too loudly.

3. Facebook is a networking opportunity. Friend requests should be freely accepted unless there is a compelling reason not to, like an active restraining order.

Problem: Facebook is primarily social. We all have the right to decide who will be allowed to see our Facebook page. Some people genuinely don't care, which is fine, but the friction happens when someone who doesn't care attempts to friend someone who does. Some people have strict policies: not friending current students, supervisors, co-workers, sharks, or in-laws. That is absolutely their right; it can get exhausting trying to censor yourself so that everything you post is acceptable to everyone on your friend list.

I don't know the answer. I actually am not in favor for a formal codification of Facebook rules, because I think it's something that everyone uses differently.

Conclusion: Everyone needs to settle down. It's supposed to be fun! Unless you don't use it for fun! But still settle down!

Please, it's exhausting trying to fix all of you people.

Social Responsibility: The Cut

One thing we really talk about is social responsibility. For etiquette to work properly, each player must know his or her part and perform it perfectly. That's what makes it a challenge: how can you be polite to someone who has been rude to you? (You can, I promise.) So we talk a lot about how we let people know they are being rude, and how one "punishes" someone who has committed a social error.

Which leads me to the "cut direct."

In etiquette, the "cut direct" is the ultimate punishment. It is only considered acceptable (I don't think it is ever considered polite) under the gravest of circumstances, when someone has wronged you so grievously that conventional apologies simply won't do.

When applying the "cut direct," there are three parts that must be played. Attention, etiquette students: this is essential:

1. The "Cutter": must make it obvious that he/she sees the person, but chooses not to acknowledge that person's existence in any way. A frozen posture, staring directly at the person, then a deliberate turning away with no acknowledgement works. Add a bitter laugh and toss back a dry sherry for that extra, classy flair.

2. The "Cuttee": must make it obvious that he/she noticed the cut in one of two ways: immediate fleeing of the room, preferably with audible sobs; or a brave-but-trembling smile followed by tears in the bathroom. Runny mascara and smeared lipstick works well for the ladies, not so much the men (in most circles).

3. The "Bystanders": must attempt to smooth the awkwardness by being frozen in embarrassment for no less than 3 seconds, then all speaking and laughing at once while attempting to form a human barricade between "Cutter" and "Cuttee." It is the responsibility of the Bystanders to say nothing about the incident to anyone, until the next night's Mah-Jongg party over brandy-laced Earl Grey.*

Without all three players, the "Cut Direct" becomes nothing more than the "Jerry Springer Episode No One Wants to See."

A fantastic example of the Cut, properly applied, is in the book "Gone With the Wind." In the book, Scarlett is walking down the sidewalk when she spies several of the "old cats" she has been so contemptuous of. They stop, obviously seeing her approach, then they cross the street to avoid having to speak to her. Scarlett is so embarrassed that she runs straight home, absolutely mortified that anyone might have seen her cut right in the street! If you have never read "Gone With the Wind," or even if you have, I urge you to curl up under an afghan and begin immediately

We all cut people, I'm sure. We have that former co-worker whose e-mails we delete without reading, or that embarrassing relative we only see when forced. But the "Cut Direct" is done in front of people, obviously, as a punishment. That's what makes it such a severe step.

Have I ever given someone the "Cut Direct?" No, but I've had it done to me.

I chose the brave smile. Then I told the teacher.

*I have noticed that most traditional etiquette stories seem to revolve around alcohol and tea. I substitute NyQuil and Sprite and feel quite cosmopolitan.**

**Just kidding, Mom.

Social Responsibility: Etiquette 101

Continuing my series of how I think the world should be, today's topic is:

Etiquette.

Etiquette, of course, is the art of making social interactions run smoothly. It is knowing what to say, when to say it, and when not to say anything.

As some of you know, for years I have been part of an online community that discusses etiquette. We discuss social etiquette (weddings, showers, parties, etc.); workplace etiquette, dating etiquette, and general etiquette. A good deal of our discussion centers around what "traditional" etiquette says about any given topic, and whether or not the traditional etiquette is still relevant in today's fast-paced, whack-a-doodle world.

I'll say it now: I'm not a weirdo. A lot of people who know me in real life look at me askance if I mention that I belong to an online forum that discusses etiquette. The fact that I have definite opinions about that "party game" in which shower guests write their name and full mailing address on an envelope shocks many of them. It has been quite a blow for me to learn:

MOST PEOPLE COULD NOT CARE LESS.

Really. I didn't know that.

I didn't know there are some people who don't care how wedding invitations are addressed. I didn't know there are some people who believe Miss Manners writes a humor column. It was shocking to me when I found out most of my friends are these people.

On the other hand, I didn't know there are some people who believe a "proper" wedding must include live music, an open bar, and a full sit-down dinner. Some of these were people I "met" on the forum. It's quite a spectrum.

Some of what we discuss is quite practical. If I had to summarize, I would say it boils down to, "How do I politely deal with rude behavior?" Because, in terms of etiquette, one of the worst things one can do is return rudeness for rudeness, especially if the initial rudeness was committed out of ignorance. However, we also discuss whether or not strict, traditional etiquette really "works" for every situation. I confess I sometimes have my differences.

For example: how does one tell one's bosom companion that her 5-year-old son, 3-year-old daughter, and 7-year-old dog are not welcome at the intimate dinner party one has planned? She brings them everywhere with her, and has not taken any "hints" regarding the appropriateness of doing so. Etiquette tells us it would be rude to issue a non-invite, or "unvitation," but practicality tells us it would be far more painful to turn away said uninvited guests at the door.

The solution? According to strict etiquette, one simply stops inviting her to adult-only events at all. One does not mention such events to her at all. One day the dog will die and the kids will grow, so she can again be included in such events. I have no doubt the transition will be seamless.

My solution? I would give it one try. One sit down where I said to my very good friend, "I'm thinking of having a dinner party next week, and I'd love for you to come, but it's going to be kid- and animal- free. Would you be comfortable with that?" and go from there. If she throws a giant screaming fit, then I go with the strict etiquette answer.

Traditional etiquette doesn't always work today. For instance, did you know:

Response cards in wedding invitations are technically rude? They imply that your guests don't know the correct etiquette, which is to get out their own personal engraved stationery and hand-write their response.

Registry information in any invitation is technically rude? Including registry information where your guests can easily find it implies that you expect gifts. The correct etiquette is to pass your registry information, verbally, to several nosy aunts so guests can call them and ask. If you have no nosy aunts, ask your mother's three best friends. Isn't that just as easy?

Complimenting the appearance of someone to whom you have not been introduced is rude? I confess that this is the one where I have a personal story: one time, in a Wal-Mart parking lot, someone I had never seen before or since stopped me and told me the top I was wearing made my eyes look beautiful. I felt good for days. How rude!

Typing or printing any personal correspondence, or addresses on any outer envelope, is rude? I admit I knew this one. I read Miss Manners. So I hand-addressed all of my wedding invitations, hand-wrote all of my thank-you notes, and hand-addressed the baby announcements (in the case of Dexy, I hand-wrote those announcements). So what if I have no sensation below the second knuckle of any finger? I did the polite thing.

So I invite you all to become like me! Become obsessed with the polite way to do just about anything. It makes your life much, much more interesting.

I can hardly stand it.