Saturday, August 18, 2012

Back to School Guide for Goddesses

I was recently privileged to receive a truly extraordinary catalog.  Obviously this company knows me; my fame and renown have surprised me for years now, so I suppose I should have been expecting this sort of thing.  Sure, they put "or current resident" on the mailing label, but that was only to distract the autograph-seekers and celebrity-stalkers who make up 88% of the US Postal Service.

I cannot question the serendipity of the catalog's arrival.  Just as I was asking myself, "Where can one find a quality floor-length reversible hooded cloak for the everyday working woman?" my cosmic wishes were answered.  Herein I present my back-to-school wishlist from The Pyramid Collection, a company offering sensible fashion solutions to satisfy your Inner Goddess.  I devoured this catalog with such reverence and avidity that the moist snorts of my avidity could be heard for several blocks, and the high, quavering mewls of my reverence prompted my son to ask, "Who let the cat in?"

(For those of you who instantly thought of Fifty Shades of Grey upon reading the term "inner goddess," shame on you.  I sentence you to read Scarlett, the sequel to Gone With the Wind, which achieved total drivel status without a single pseudo-erotic scene involving a feminine hygiene product.  If you, like me, read it ironically, I commute your sentence.  But you should still read it anyway, it's totally cool.)

Of course, I have always been interested in that magical world of fantasy in which corsets are outerwear and a garment's chief asset is "flowiness."  I have done extensive research, consisting of reading The Mists of Avalon several times.  I have also purchased several of the Game of Thrones novels, and I can attest they are level and will hold a beverage upright for several hours.  As if that were not enough, I also played Dungeons & Dragons in my youth, and still own at least one 20-sided die.  (Parenthetically, Princess has been using my Monster Manual for reading practice, which I'm sure will necessitate a meeting with her teacher at some point to explain why she can't read "light" or "laugh" but does fine on "lich" and "lycanthrope.")

My wishlist shall be divided into three categories: clothing, outerwear, and accessories.  I think you will agree that I have assembled a totally professional wardrobe that not only conveys calm authority but warmth and approachability.

In the field of clothing, I give you this:

The Midnight Lace dress.  Nothing says "Trust me with your children" like red lace and corsetry.  I plan to snazz it up with a voluminous red tulle petticoat for that extra bump of style.  I hope no one mistakes me for administration!!

For outerwear, there is only one choice:

Nothing beats a cape for versatility.  Do you want to shield yourself from the cold?  Reenact scenes from Excalibur?  Stalk an unsuspecting love object?  This cape does it all.  I can see myself sweeping down the majestic, cobweb-festooned halls of Hometown Junior School.  I imagine its primary benefit will be recruitment; everyone wants to be in the class of a cape-wearing teacher.

Accessories are, of course, those extra touches that separate the eccentric from the possibly dangerous.  For shoes, my only choice is this pair:

I know they're subtle, but the secret to fashion is not going overboard.

As my regular readers (hereinafter known as "devotees") know, I adore jewelry.  In the spirit of keeping things understated, I offer these:

I adore statement pieces.  For me, there is no greater message I can send my students than, "I'm festooned with possibly poisonous spiders."  Maternal?  Trustworthy?  Oh yes.  I can just imagine the confidences my new attire will inspire.

See you on the 27th, children.  Hopefully the fang glue will be set by then.



Melinda said...

Perfect! You will be the teacher all others aspire to be!

Kristina P. said...

I will say, those shoes are hot!! You could rock those.