Friday, March 11, 2011

Stock Phrases

When one is introverted and shy (as I am) it is often helpful to have a supply of "stock phrases" to use in certain potentially awkward conversations.  I don't have a terribly good sense of boundaries, so without the stock phrase in hand, I might just blurt out too much information, which would be uncomfortable for all of us (though, I have to say, if you don't want to know, don't ask).

Certain of these stock phrases are designed to shut down a line of questioning:

"How kind of you to take an interest."

"What an interesting observation."

"I'll certainly think about that."

"Well, bless your heart."

That being said, there are still questions that shock me into direct answers.  When people see me now, I typically get this question:

"Have you lost weight?"

Though I am tempted to respond, "Duh!" I do not.  Partly because I'm saving my "Duh's" for those rare occasions in which I can follow them with "Winning!" because I think people really want to hear more jokes about Charlie Sheen right now.  (But seriously, you guys, I'm starting to think there might be something going on with him.)  So, the conversation goes like this:

Person: "Have you lost weight?"

Deb: "Um... yes, I have."

Person:  "I knew it, you look great!  How much have you lost?"

Deb: "Oh, I've lost a lot, thank you."

Person:  "No, really, how much?"

Deb: "About a hundred pounds."  (I've been saying this for a while, since around the time I hit the 80 pound mark.  It's just easier.)

Person: "Wow.  Wow.  That's amazing.  What are you doing?"

Here's where it gets tricky.  Some people ask directly, "Did you have surgery?" and then want to know what kind, when, if I've experienced complications, etc.  If they don't ask, I'm reluctant to bring it up, because then they want to know all of those things, or they start talking about how "easy" it must be to lose weight after surgery.

But all of that I can handle.

Here's what I can't handle:

Person: "So, I bet things are pretty hot in the bedroom again, huh?"

Deb: (implodes)

I actually don't mind a question like that from someone to whom I feel close; a friend at church asked me something like that (though not in those exact words) and it was fine, though a bit surreal to talk about it in the church library.  But people I don't know very well ask me, too.  In professional settings.  Really.  I just can't come up with a stock phrase for this one.

I will take suggestions.


Kristina P. said...

I would have probably asked you if you were more flexible now and how your husband feels about that.

Totally polite. Epic winning.

Deb said...

That's actually not far off how one person put it. Total winning.

Melinda said...

I think you should say-- "oh yeah, you should read the feedback we are getting from the videos!" That might shock them into silence : )

Deb said...

Melinda: Evil. I love it.

Mummy McTavish said...

"Oh no, my religion says sex is only for procreation and we are happy with our two"

"Sven doesn't believe in sex, we bought our kids off eBay"

"phwaaar, ssooooooo goooood! you would not believe it... I can do you a video if you want?"

Though if it was me all of that would go through my mind and I would probably just look confused and say "um, how do you mean?" and wait for them to go red and squirm while trying to answer my question.

so... is it?

bahahahahahaha... honestly, I DON'T want to know!

Joy and Dennis said...

I like the video answers....TOO FUNNY! But seriously, someone from church asked you that?!?!? What kind of SICK O people are they?!?!? And the insenuation is sick as well....what, Vonn didn't desire you before?!?! Again...sick people, and also a BIG NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But by the way, you are looking quite mah-vah-luss!!!

Boy Mom said...

I need some "stock phrases" I just talk and talk until the, "deer in the headlights" look lets me know they have been sufficiently punished for their personal questions.

Ginny said...

Very seriously answer, "If I told you, then I'd have to kill you. It's THAT private."