Last night I was watching TLC. I should explain, before you must begin breathing into a paper bag, that the batteries on our remote control are dying, so I was stuck on The Learning Channel while I attempted to pound one more channel change out of the clicker. (What do you mean, "get up and change the channel?" Are you insane? This isn't 1872, or whenever people had to change the channel for themselves.)
As you all know, I would never, ever voluntarily watch a television network with "learning" in the title. I don't watch TV to learn. Nor, for that matter, do I read, surf the internet, or watch movies "to learn." I am a professional educator. I don't learn on my off time.
So, while I pounded the remote control on the floor as a mildly interested Sven looked on, it came on: the poignant music (almost as poignant as that awful Sarah McClachlan ASPCA or YMCA or NAMBLA commercial showing all of the dogs that will die unless YOU DO SOMETHING RIGHT NOW! Every time that commercial comes on, I have to change the channel before Princess starts weeping and saying, "Why are people so bad to the doggies, Mommy? Where is that doggy's mommy? The poor kitty looks so sad, Mommy!" and then we are both weeping in each other's arms as Ms. McClachlan informs us what we can do to save these animals, but I'm not paying attention because my 3-year-old is having an emotional breakdown and my almost-2-year-old has taken the opportunity to find a six-month-old chicken nugget under the couch and is attempting to eat it. But I digest.)
Anyway, the voice-over dude came on as the slomo montage played, showing the kids, a pre-earring John, and a pre-shrew-from-hell Kate as he said, "Watch how it all ends...the final John and Kate Plus Eight." Sven said, still mild, "Wow, the final one."
How wonderful! No more John and Kate! Except, we all know this is not the end of John and Kate. John is suing TLC because he's too famous to get a real job. Really. Apparently, the idea that no one would hire John because he has been documented as a passive-aggressive, dumb, commitment-phobic philanderer has not occurred to him! No, they aren't hiring him (and I'm sure he has applied everywhere) because he's too famous. I hope Corey Feldman hasn't heard about this, because think of how many of us he could sue. ("You used to have my poster on your wall but now you think I'm an idiot!") I could personally be financially liable for the upkeep and maintenance of at least four New Kids on the Block.
I propose a countersuit: we should all commit to a class-action suit against TLC, for inflicting John & Kate on global society. Because if I'm blogging about it, and I have never personally watched the show, it's in the air like a virus. We must stop others from attempting to emulate TLC's success with John & Kate.
I saw it this morning on Good Morning America: "The Octomom, One Year Later." I turned off the television. I hope it sent a strong message.
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