Petty Compatibility Quiz

Feel free to take this quiz with your husband, partner, girlfriend/boyfriend, roommate, friend, or cat. Each of you should take the quiz, then compare answers.

1. When purchasing tuna fish,

a. Only solid white Albacore tuna in spring water is acceptable.

b. Chunk white or light is fine, as long as it's my preferred brand.

c. Whatever's on sale is what you're getting.

d. You'll get cat food and be grateful.

2. Mayonnaise

a. Is an essential condiment.

b. And salad dressing are really the same thing.

c. Must be "real" mayonnaise to make it on my sandwich.

d. Is an excellent lubricant for stuck fishing reels.

3. The television remote control

a. Should be kept in an easily located central spot.

b. Should be by my right hand at all times.

c. Should be by your right hand at all times.

d. Lives in the fold of my belly. I'll forget this, so you need to remind me.

4. Pets

a. Are wonderful additions to any home.

b. Aren't something I want, but I could live with a fish or a bird.

c. Are demons from hell sent to destroy my brand-new carpet.

d. Can fight the children for whatever is left in the "tuna" can.

5. Fabric softener

a. Makes for fresh, cozy clothes that carry a touch of home with me wherever I go.

b. Is a luxury, but as long as we're doing all right we can have it.

c. Is more of a "woman" thing.

d. Renders men sterile.

6. Grilling outdoors

a. Is a fun activity for couples to do.

b. Is the way men like to cook.

c. Is a great way to cook in the summertime.

d. Is done in an aluminum trash can stolen from the neighbors.

7. My idea of a fun evening is

a. Going out to a nice restaurant, followed by a movie.

b. Snuggling together on the couch to watch TV.

c. Reading a book alone.

d. Shooting rats at the dump with the folks.

8. To keep fit, I

a. Hike.

b. Walk.

c. Swim.

d. Smoke.

9. Hanging curtains is

a. The most important thing we will ever do.

b. Important, but there are other things to be done first.

c. Not that important, I'll get around to it.

d. Something I will never, ever do. Ever. So just give up.

10. The toilet is clean if

a. It smells nice and has clear, clean water.

b. It smells like chemicals and has blue water.

c. I can get near it without passing out.

d. I can see it through the tears streaming down my face.

To score: Give yourself 1 point for every A, 2 points for every B, 4 points for every C, and 8 points for every D. Add up your score. Do you notice anything significant about the number? You shouldn't, it's meaningless. Laugh merrily and set fire to the paper containing your score. Or just throw it away. Whatever.

Instead of scoring, compare answers with your partner. Hopefully, you guys are pretty close, but you will find those areas of incompatibility. Fortunately, all of these problems can be solved with frank, open communication and Xanax. Ha! But seriously, if each partner compromises a bit, these petty little problems will have no power over you.

You notice I put nothing on the quiz about dirty clothes, particularly socks and underwear, that are dropped in random locations throughout the house and left there, presumably to grow new socks and underwear for the sockless, naked denizens of our backyard. Some things simply can't be fixed by a quiz.

I'm no Cosmo.