The Guilded Globs

Since it's awards show season, I'd like to start my own. Does anyone else remember the first MTV movie awards, how cool it seemed those first few years? I have complete confidence that the Guilded Globs will be just as cool, then become bloated and self-important and lose any real meaning. Neat.

Here are the nominees:

Best Performance by an Animal, Domestic:

• My cat pooping on the carpet in the dining room
• My cat vomiting on the carpet in the living room
• My cat pooping on the carpet in the living room
• That dog on YouTube who can skateboard

Best Performance by an Animal, Wild:

• The lizard on my back door, for freezing in one position, enticing my three year-old daughter to take a closer look, before leaping on her head.
• The extraordinarily well-endowed lion at our last trip to the zoo, for napping in such a position.
• The inappropriately fat goat at the same zoo, for charging Sven Jr. (Okay, he wasn't "charging" so much as "looking at," but it was very traumatic.)
• The Dramatic Chipmunk

Most Perplexing Lack of DVD:

• Muppet Babies. Why is this cartoon not available on DVD? Why am I the only one who seems to care?
• The last season of Fraggle Rock. I am not a Fraggle Rock fan per se, but I understand they released all of the seasons individually, then only released the final season in a "complete series" DVD. Shocking.
• The Robot Chicken Star Wars/Star Wars Part II/Family Guy Blue Harvest/Hardware Wars collection, with bonus footage featuring Weird Al videos. Okay, that's just me. I accept your disdain.
• The episode of CSI where Hannah Montana gets shot and they do the autopsy. Don't tell me this episode doesn't exist...I need it.

Best Explanation of 10-15 Pound Holiday Weight Gain:

• These clothes keep shrinking! Stop washing in hot water! (Deb)
• This medicine must be making you gain weight. (Sven, bless him)
• I guess I've just been too tired to exercise. (Deb, lounging in bed with a box of chocolates)
• I saw on the news that there's this new disease, where you just get fatter after Christmas. Really. (Not really)

Cutest Thing Ever:

• Deb Jr., belting out "Tomorrow" from the backseat. (Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, it's tomorrow, you feel like a Crabby Patty...)
• Sven Jr., singing "Old MacDonald". (Yi-yi-yo, yo-yo-yi, yi-yi-yi-yo, moo)
• Deb Jr., calling me "mudder."
• Sven Jr., giggling madly at my removal of his socks.

Best Waste of Time:

• Twilight

Yes, I think this awards show has potential. However, it seems to have limited appeal... I know!

Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role:

• Brad Pitt, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
• Leonardo DiCaprio, Revolutionary Road

Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role:

• Angelina Jolie, The Changeling
• Angelina Jolie, Kung Fu Panda

I'm sure they'll show up... The awards ceremony will be at my house this Saturday at 5:00 (have to get the kids to bed!) and formal attire is requested.

Please park around the corner, the neighbor's RV is blocking traffic to our house. However, I can almost promise: No paparazzi. Any paparazzi who show up are on cat-poop duty.