Saturday, January 24, 2009


Don't ask me how it happened, but I have chapped lips. I live in one of the wettest places imaginable, and my lips are dry and chapped. And I don't mean "chapped" as in sexy, swollen, and red:
I mean chapped like this:

Chapped lips bother me. They are, for me, the Waxy Yellow Buildup of facial skin ailments.

Remember Waxy Yellow Buildup? That was in the second category of that school of 1970's advertising that I call "Sell Through Self-Esteem Slaughter." Category one had the products you needed to get your man. These were the days when you had to have the following in order to get a husband:
  • White teeth (toothpaste)
  • Fresh breath (mouthwash, mints)
  • Moist, inviting lips (Chapstick)
  • Dry clothing (dress shields)
  • Complete lack of body odor (deodorants)
  • Invisible panty lines (Underalls)
To keep your husband, you had to maintain everything from category one, but heaven help you if you didn't ward off category two:
  • Waxy yellow buildup on your kitchen or bathroom floor
  • Incorrectly brewed, weak coffee
  • Ring-around-the-collar or some other repulsive laundry condition
  • Absence of "freshness."
You just knew, back in the 1970's, that a man coming home to a dirty floor, weak coffee, dingy laundry, or expired wife would be out the door immediately. Of course, they told us the way to keep that same man happy was to harp on his lack of fresh breath or white teeth in front of company. They also said you should criticize your girlfriends by boldly yanking up the collars of their husbands' shirts to check for the telltale signs of laundry deficiency.

I was a child, but I remember those commercials vividly. Of course, today's commercials are far more explicit, blatantly using words like "absorbent," even in the dinner hour. I suppose I'm grateful the 1970's commercial style was long gone by the time these subjects became acceptable ad fodder...but wouldn't something like this be great?

Pam: Would anyone like a second cup?
Jim: I would!
Rose (voice over): Jim never has a second cup at home.
Pam: Anyone else?
Rose: Yes, please. Give me a second cup of the world's best coffee. (Exaggerated sip) Oh, my, what amazing coffee. So much better than mine.
Jim: Rose, cool it.
Rose: No, you cool it. You cool it.
Pam: Maybe I should...
Rose: No, you stay. I'll go. You two can have all the coffee you want. (Slams door.)

Brought to you by the American Tea Lover's Association.

And now, I've gotten so sidetracked that I've forgotten all about my chapped lips. My next entry will bring you the plethora of products I'm currently employing to return my lips to their normal moist state. While I'm at it, I'm going to attack my kitchen floor...


Kristina P. said...

I always have to have something on my lips. I wear lipstick during the day, and at home, I have about 6 Lip Smackers around the house.

Good luck on your quest.

Barbaloot said...

I really like using vaseline on my lips at night.

rychelle said...

burt's bees. love that stuff!

That Girl in Brazil said...

Chapstick. I'm addicted.

And my floor is dirty.

Jill (Sneaky Momma) said...

You poor dear. Hope your lips feel better today. :)

3 Bay B Chicks said...

1) The picture of the chapped lips scared me. Seriously...where did you find that? 2) You do realize that Angie's lips are completely filled with collagen and that there is absolutely nothing natural about her puffiness, yes? And finally, 3) your talents are wasted in the blogosphere. Why aren't you in advertising or marketing? The Milk Board (aka the Got Milk? commercials) need you!