Inside My Head: Glee

Mr. Scheuster: Okay, kids, listen up. Today we have a special guest artist. I had a crush on her our senior year of high school, but she never gave me the time of day.

Puck: Bitter much?

Finn: Come on, you guys, we have to work together to make Glee a part of our lives and my girlfriend Quinn is pregnant!

Rachel: Oh, Finn...I love you.

Mr. Scheuster: Quiet, guys. This is serious. Our guest artist this week is here to teach you what Glee is really about. Please welcome Deb.

Deb: Whaddup.

Kurt: What can she teach us? She's a natural brunette.

Deb: Shut your pie-hole, you.

Kurt: Yes, Ma'am.

Sue: I think I love you.

Deb: (to Sue) You too, Windbreaker. (to the kids) Glee isn't about lip-syncing to awesomely crafted arrangements of utterly inappropriate material. Glee is about finding your inner Broadway star.

Quinn: Broadway? Please, so lame.

Deb: No, what's lame is using the word "lame" when no one has ever seen you wear anything other than a cheerleading outfit. (to Mr. Scheuster:) Your wife isn't really pregnant. There, I've said it. Go marry the counselor, please, so we can get on with rehearsal.

Mr. Scheuster: Okie dokie. (exits)

Deb: Now let's get down to it. This is real Glee club, everyone: hats and canes, get in formation for "One" from A Chorus Line.

Kurt: Yes!

Deb: Another word out of you, and we're doing Cats next.

Kurt: (silent but adoring)

Fin.

In My Head: Top Chef

Padma: Chefs, today's Elimination Challenge was to create a sophisticated entree that could also be served as an amuse-bouche. You were told to bring your entree to an undisclosed location that we frankly discussed as though it was a secret bomb shelter type bunker, but was actually some lame pseudo celebrity hosted dinner party. You know your judges. You had our least favorite dishes. Deb, let's start with you.

Deb: Okie-dokie.

Tom: Deb, can you describe the dish?

Deb: I started with a really delicate white tuna that I marinated in spring water, then added green peas and mushrooms, a mushroom sauce, and hearty pasta.

Tom: It was tuna fish casserole.

Deb: Yep.

Padma: Are you aware, Deb, that I found an eggshell in my portion?

Deb: Then you win the prize!

Padma: (Looks severely beautiful and unamused)

Tom: Deb, I get that you do comfort food, but this is the eighth time you've been on the bottom. Frankly, I thought we should have sent you home last week for the Chef Boy-ar-Dee ravioli dish.

Deb: I know, right?

Gail: Since you've been here, you've made a ham sandwich, macaroni and cheese, and a Stouffer's lasagne that was still frozen in the middle. I'm starting to doubt that you're Top Chef Material.

Tom: Though you really shined in the Cheez-Whiz challenge, I'm afraid your time has come.

(Dramatic pause while music plays.)

Padma: Deb, please pack your knives and go.

Deb: Knives?

Fin.

Dear Deb

Since I haven't received any nibbles from my Life-Coach Resume, I thought I'd put my amazing wisdom and shocking wit to use as an advice columnist. I have all of the attributes necessary to become a nationally syndicated advice columnist. I:

1. Own a computer, and


2. Like to judge people

I'm not aware of any other qualifications, other than having a twin sister and/or advice columnist mother. Unfortunately, I have no twin, and my mother chose to fritter her life away being a terrific mom and a scriptural scholar. If only she'd had the foresight to do something really valuable with her time, like advising brides on which side of the reception hall should house the bidet for European guests! Thanks, Mom. I shall persevere regardless, and answer letters from my adoring and imaginary public.

Now, all I have to do is sit back and wait for the letters to pour in. Ah! My first one is here already!

Dear Deb,

I am a handsome, charismatic, sexy, succesful actor. I am in my "middle years," so to speak, yet have never found real love. I have dated a succession of young, gorgeous women whose careers have ranged from model to reality-show contestant. Why can't I find true love?

Sincerely,

George C.

Dear George,

I feel your pain. I understand how difficult it is to find your one true love when the entire world adores you. I have been there. This is what you need to do: develop a completely platonic but utterly dependent relationship with a wife/mother closer to your age. I'm sure you can think of someone.

 Hang out at her house, mow her lawn, wipe her fevered brow. She will show you where true happiness lies. It is not in perky bosoms and round rears. It is in the gentle folds of loving arms and chin hairs that defy plucking. You'll see. I've e-mailed you my address, please hurry, the lawn is really getting out of hand.

Deb

Wow, that was easy! I think now the letters will pour in. With advice like that, how can I fail? I expect to be syndicated very soon.

Real-Life Crime Drama: Denied

As I mentioned briefly in my last update of my battle against the universe, I was recently subpoenaed to appear as a witness in a criminal trial.

{Cue Law & Order-style sound effects: chung, chung!}

My first thought was, naturally, "Oh, poop."  But the more I thought about it, the more I decided being subpoenaed wasn't a bad thing.  It would be just like guest starring on Law & Order, Law & Order: SVU, or Law & Order: Criminal Intent.  This version would be Law & Order: Traffic Court.

{chung, chung!}

Normally, a celebrity of my status wouldn't deign to do television, but a cameo as a witness on a well-rated crime show is acceptable for even megastars like Oscar-winner Julia Roberts or two-time Oscar-winner Hilary Swank's ex-husband Chad Lowe.  So here is the screenplay for my episode of Law & Order: Traffic Court.

Voice Over: In the criminal justice system, there are two separate yet equal entities responsible for the fighting of minor traffic violations.  The police, who nod a lot, and the prosecutor, who has voice mail.  These are their stories.

{chung, chung!} 

Title: 4:35 p.m., Garth Road, Buttville, Texas

Handsome Detective: What have we got?

Beat Cop:  Um, some guy pulled out in front of another guy.

Handsome Detective: Any witnesses?

Beat Cop: Yeah, she's filling out a witness report over there.  [Indicates stunningly beautiful lady in battered Honda Element.]

Grizzled Veteran Detective: What a way to start the week.

Beat Cop: But...it's Wednesday.

{Chung, chung!}

Title: Traffic Court Part 453846

Smarmy Defense Attorney: Please identify yourself for the record.

Deb: I'm Deb.

Smarmy Defense Attorney: Deb, why are you here today?

Deb: I witnessed the accident.

Smarmy Defense Attorney: And what, exactly, did you see?

Deb: I saw one car hit another car.

Smarmy Defense Attorney: How convenient.  Yet, isn't it true that you were listening to your iPod at the time?

Deb: Yes, but-

Smarmy Defense Attorney: Please tell the court the name of the song you were listening to at the time of the accident.

Deb: I don't remember, I think it was Supermassive Black Hole-

Smarmy: And yet you expect us to believe that you remember seeing a car hit another car right in front of you, when you can't even be sure about the song that was playing on your iPod?

Prosecutor: I object!  The witness is beautiful.  She shouldn't have to answer these questions.  Her eyes aren't even glistening with unshed tears.

Judge: Sustained.

Smarmy Defense Attorney: Oh, come on!

Deb: Wait, I can glisten!

Judge: You may step down.

{chung, chung!}

Unfortunately, I'll never know the glamour of testifying as a witness in small-town traffic court.  I received notice that the case has been settled, making my testimony unnecessary.

They'll never know what they're missing.

Folksy Musin's Flashback Episode

As a legend in my own mind, I am accustomed to hearing praise wherever I go. The fact that said praise occurs mostly in my head is, to me, irrelevant.

However, since beginning this blog, I have been hearing actual words of praise from people who take time roughly every other day to read my blog. They say things like, "You're so funny!" or "How do you think of these things!" I always smile and demur, not wanting to admit that I really have no idea what I'm doing and, furthermore, the first draft of almost every entry contains the word "booger" at least six times. And poop. Don't get me started on poop.

There is one question I've been asked many times, though, that I can answer: "How did you get started writing a blog?" Come with me through the blurry lines of the flashback episode....

Folksy Musin's: The Sitcom

[Kicky sitcom opening sequence, with a cheesy montage of me juggling groceries and trying to walk a dog. The song would be something like a cross between "Ride of the Valkyries" and the theme from "Maude."]

Tonight's Episode: The Beginning

Cast:

Deb, a thoughtful, quietly attractive mom with a sharp wit and impeccable sense of style (played by Anne Hathaway)

Kristina, the adorable, wacky social worker with a heart of gold, with a wildly popular blog (played by Reese Witherspoon)

Sven, Deb's handsome loving cool talented amazing husband (played by Rob Pattinson or Seth Rogen, depending on who is available)

Act I: Pre-Blog Deb

Deb: Hey, Kristina! It's good to see you.

Kristina: You too! It's not at all strange that this script shows us having a face-to-face conversation even though we've never met!

Deb: I know, right? But we've been "talking" on the discussion board for such a long time, I feel like I know you!

Kristina: Me, too!

Act II: Kristina Makes a Suggestion

Deb: Hey, Kristina! I noticed you're not posting on the discussion board as much as you used to.

Kristina: You're right, I'm really into my blog right now.

Deb: You have a blog? Really?

Kristina: You should check it out. Have you ever thought about doing it yourself? You'd be really good at it.

Deb: Wow, you think so? Thanks!

[As laid-back acoustic indie rock plays, we see Deb sitting on her bed with her Macbook. She is reading Kristina's blog and chuckling to herself. She looks up, thoughtful, and hits "Create Blog" on the menu bar at the top of the page.]

Act III: After the Blog

Deb: Kristina, I can't thank you enough for helping me start my blog. It is so much fun and I'm having a great time.

Kristina: No problem. You know, we still haven't met. This isn't fact-based at all!

Deb: Look!  Angelina Jolie!

Kristina: Where?  [Deb runs away.]

Ending 1: if Sven is played by Rob Pattinson

[Deb sits on the bed, typing on her Macbook.]

Sven (entering, shirtless): {in a British accent} Deborah, love of my life, reason for my existence, have you seen my shirt?

Deb: No.  [She unobtrusively uses one foot to ease the pile of shirts out of sight.]

Ending 2: if Sven is played by Seth Rogen

[Deb sits on the bed, typing on her Macbook.  Sven enters.]

Sven: Are you writing that "blog" again? (Grimaces, waves hand in air behind him)

Deb: [gasping for air] What did you eat?

Sven: (laughing) Put that in your "blog." [Screen fades to black.]

Fin.

So today, if nothing else, we have learned: thank you, Kristina. This is all your fault.

It Can't Be Over!

It seems as though every year, this special season is shorter and shorter. And they spend so long building up the anticipation, starting before any rational person would think feasible: it seems for months in advance you'll be sick to death of it before it comes, and then boom! It's all over...

Of course, I'm speaking of Awards Season. The time in which the most unappreciated, underpaid, hardworking among us finally get the recognition they deserve: the entertainment industry.

No, no, I'm serious. I can only speculate how difficult it is to be an artist, wanting only to work at your craft, forced to own palatial estates in several cities and employ nannies for each individual finger of each child. I don't understand that sort of pain. They deserve something for all of their hard work, despite sinfully large salaries, love and adoration, and the ability to converse with Rob Pattinson whenever they wish.

Relax, that's my only Rob reference today.  I think the only problem with Awards Season is that it isn't long enough, and doesn't recognize a variety of celebrities.  I mean, we get show after show about actors and musicians, but what about celebrity restauranteurs?  Our current crop of award shows honor talent, mostly; where is the award for people who are simply attractive?

I'm so pleased to announce that Bravo will be airing the second annual A-List Awards: Honoring the "best" of television, food, fashion, design, and celebrity.  And the best thing about it is, none of these awards is based at all on merit!  The public gets to vote!

If I had to pick a category, it would be "Celebrity: A-List Kate."  The winner of this category will win for being a person named Kate.  Lest you believe this category to be too exclusive, they did include Cate (with a C) Blanchett.  This is truly the land of opportunity.

If you are like me, you will be waiting with bated breath for this last gasp of awards season.  Then I'll have to pack away my Oscar-shaped hat and Grammy gloves until next year brings me a new round of joy.   I hope I can make it... 

HOB WARS! (With lots of pictures)

As I have stated in my blog before, I enjoy several completely harmless, non-adulterous crushes.  These crushes are enjoyable pastimes, and nothing more.  However, as is often the case with me, my personal, harmless hobbies are being blown up into pop culture phenomena.

I am speaking, of course, of the Cougar trend.  "Cougar" has become the media term-of-the-moment for an "older" woman with a "younger" man.  Famous married couple Ashton Kutcher, 6, and Demi Moore, 97, are the poster couple for this very current trend:

While I am in no way a "cougar" I can proudly claim the less well-known but infinitely classier title of HOB, as defined by Joel McHale of The Soup as Horny Old Broad.  (I mean "horny" in the classiest way.)  One of my high school friends, Cassie, with whom I have been catching up via Facebook, commented on one of my previous posters that, while she shared one of her own minor HOB crushes with me, most of her HOB crushes were different.  That gave me the idea:  HOB wars!

Our first match-up: Harry Potter vs. Edward Cullen, AKA Daniel Radcliffe vs. Rob Pattinson.

We'll start with the photos:

In character:

Being themselves:

Just for fun, together in the same movie:

The Winner: Has to be Edward/Rob!  Come on, people!!  But it sure was a fun match-up.

Round II: The War of the Sidekicks

The Weasley Twins vs. Emmett and Jasper

The Weasleys:

(In character)

(Out of character, working the dark hair)

Emmett and Jasper:

(In character, with the ladies)

(The Real Emmett.  Yum.  My.)

(The real Jasper.  He's so pretty, it hurts a little.)

The Winner:  You know I'm going for my Twilight guys, but I'll admit that the twins are getting pretty cute.

Round III: Most Baffling HOB Fodder:

This was easy for me.  Corbin Blue, from High School Musical:

vs. The Jonas Brothers

The Winner: The Jonas Brothers, but, my friends, please remember: when the Jonas Brothers win, everyone loses.

Such is life.

Inside the Actor's Studio: The Imaginary Interview

Imaginary James Lipton: Good evening, and welcome to tonight's imaginary edition of "Inside the Actor's Studio."  Our guest tonight has made imaginary history, becoming the first artist in history to receive the Oscar, the Tony, the Grammy, the People's Choice, the SAG, the Golden Globe, and the Critic's Choice award in a single year.

Imaginary students cheer wildly

IJL: She has accomplished all of this while remaining a devoted wife and mother, as well as publishing three best-selling novels.  Truly, the Actor's Studio is honored to welcome tonight's distinguished guest, Deb Amazing Pants.

Standing ovation.  Deb enters, blushing modestly at the acclaim.  She embraces Lipton and sits, motioning the still-cheering audience to quiet.  Eventually, they do.

IJL: Welcome, Deb.  It is an honor to have you here.

Deb: No, please, it's my pleasure.

IJL: What an amazing year you have had.  Tell me: among all of the honors and accolades, what stands out the most?

Deb: I believe it was the personal triumphs I experienced.  I think personal achievement trumps professional accomplishment any day.

IJL: Can you tell us what triumph you're thinking of?

Deb:  Oh, I don't know... George Clooney proposed to me after we wrapped our last film together, and I found that to be very validating.

IJL: What did you say?

Deb: Oh, I let him down gently, of course.  I'm very happily married, but George is a great guy, I'm sure he'll find the right girl.

IJL: Indeed, he must have been heartbroken.

Deb: Well, you snooze, you lose.

IJL: You are delightful and a breath of fresh air.

Deb: Back atcha.

IJL: If I may ask about your process: how do you establish a character?

Deb: The truth is, James, acting is just pretending.  The secret is, I pretend to be another person, and then say whatever the script says.

IJL: Brilliant!

Students applaud wildly

IJL: We'll conclude with the question I ask everyone on this show: if heaven exists, what do you want God to say, when you arrive?

Deb: You'll be skinny forever, here are the cupcakes.

Students applaud wildly, some spontaneously combusting.

Fin