Who Is Daisy?

I've alluded in a few of my recent posts to my love/hate relationship with reality programming, specifically the shows aired on VH-1 (Slogan: "We Still Play More Videos Than MTV"). These shows have, at different times, fascintated me, repelled me, disgusted me, amused me, and made me think, sometimes all at once. In a comment on one post discussing the premiere of "Daisy of Love," one adorable reader left this comment:

"Who is Daisy?" (Hi, Mom!)

To answer this question, I must delve into the history of Celebreality, the reality-show genre specific to VH-1. (Okay, maybe it's not an issue of "must," but "I want to." I'm a nerd who will take literally any opportunity to do research.)

VH-1 got in to the reality show "game" by taking over another network's show, "The Surreal Life." This show was essentially "Big Brother" with the cast made up of former A- and B- list celebrities and current C- and D- list celebrities. Cast members have included such '80's faves as Cory Feldman and Bronson Pinchot; beloved sitcom stars like Christopher Knight (Peter Brady) and Dave Coulier (Joey from "Full House"); musicians Vince Neill, "Pepa," CC DeVille, and various New Kids On the Block; perennial celebrity Charo, porn star Ron Jeremy, reality-tv "stars" Adrienne Curry (America's Next Top Model) and Omorosa (The Apprentice); and perennial "The Soup" punchline Janice Dickinson.

The premise of "The Surreal Life" initially was to observe celebrities interacting with each other. It became more of an exercise in humiliation the year Verne Troyer (Mini-Me) got so drunk he rode his Rascal-type scooter naked and urinated in the corner of the room. Though Verne claims the incident was his wake-up call that led to his current sobriety, it is hard to find any other silver lining in that cloud.

I only mention "The Surreal Life" because it was the progenitor of one of the most prolific Celebreality family trees. There were two spinoffs from "The Surreal Life" that traced the relationships of couples that "hooked up" on the show: "My Fair Brady," a horrible, horrible exercise in passive-aggressiveness which taught all women why your husband/fiancee DOESN'T appreciate you giving him pictures of you being intimate with another woman for Valentine's Day; and "Strange Love," the aptly named chronicle of Brigitte Nielsen's affair with Public Enemy hype man Flava Flav.

To the shock of every right-thinking audience member, "Strange Love" ended with Flav and Brigitte calling it quits, but remaining "the best of friends." (Possibly the fact that Brigitte was dating someone else had something to do with it.) Flav, bereft, went on to his very successful spinoff, "Flavor Of Love," which aired for three seasons.

Enter Deb. I began watching the first season of "Flavor of Love," fascinated by Flav's sensitivity and understanding of women. He began each season by announcing that he couldn't be expected to remember the actual names of the women present, so he would assign each a nickname to be determined by him after 15-20 seconds of "conversation." So, the cast members have included New York, Hoopz, Goldie, Pumkin, Delishus, Buckey, Buckwild, Toastee, Serious, Crazy, Thing 1, Thing 2, Bootz, and Sapphyri (her real name).

By the end of season 1, I desperately wanted Flav to be happy. When Hottie decided to microwave the chicken to feed Flav's mother, I yelled at the TV, "Send her home, Flav! The girl can't fry a chicken!" Then I had to lay back with a moist towel on my head and call for peeled grapes.

Happily, Flav proposed to Liz, the mother of his youngest child, on the season 3 reunion. I hope he has found true happiness.

Do not despair! After seeing the show, comedienne and etiquette expert Mo'Nique decided to educate these women with "Flavor Of Love: Charm School." This show filled me with such delight, I can't even express it. Both seasons were magic.

New York, who had been rejected by Flav on season 1 and 2, got her own shows as well: I Love New York, I Love New York 2, New York Goes to Hollywood, and the upcoming New York Has Fleas. (No, it's really something about her getting a day job, but I think the flea idea is better.)

Two of New York's cast-offs, brothers Real and Chance, got their own show, Real Chance of Love.

And now, we come to where Daisy enters the picture: Rock of Love.

Apparently, after seeing the success that was Flavor of Love, Bret Michaels (front man of "Poison" and Pamela Anderson-Lee-Rock-Solomon castoff) decided he should find love the same way. Rock of Love led to three seasons: Rock of Love, Rock of Love 2: Burning Sensations, and Rock of Love 3: Antibiotic Ointment. No, the third season was really called Rock of Love: Bus and featured all of the girls on tour with Bret. Sensibly, after this season Bret chose the woman most agree will bring the most stability into his life: a Penthouse Pet who wants a singing career. What were we all to do? Now that Bret has found deep and lasting happiness, how are we, his adoring and incredulous public, to get deeper understanding of interpersonal relationships and dynamite waxing tips?

Enter Daisy. Daisy was the runner-up on "Rock of Love: 2," which apparently entitles her to her own show. Don't let the photo above fool you; Daisy is a total class act who actually can walk a straight line, when motivated. She spent the premiere of her show in a two-piece bathing suit with a skirt, effectively showing the men present that she was a strong, sophisticated, liberated woman with visible tattoos and a dynamite spray-tan. When presented with The Triplets, a group of Swedish brothers who apparently all wanted to date Daisy at once, she classily expressed her opinion of such an arrangement thusly:

"Ew."

You can't teach class like that.

So, I am really looking forward to this season's guily pleasure, "Daisy Of Love."

Just to round out the family tree, "I Love Money," now in its second season, features contestants from all of the above shows competing for $250,000 (but trade in any dignity they had before), "For the Love of Ray-J" just finished its first season, and I wish Ray-J and Cocktail all the happiness in the world. Rock of Love Girls: Charm School is about to enter its second season with Ricki Lake replacing Sharon Osborne as hostess.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a cold towel waiting. This much intellectual effort is exhausting.

Folksy Musin's Flashback Episode

As a legend in my own mind, I am accustomed to hearing praise wherever I go. The fact that said praise occurs mostly in my head is, to me, irrelevant.

However, since beginning this blog, I have been hearing actual words of praise from people who take time roughly every other day to read my blog. They say things like, "You're so funny!" or "How do you think of these things!" I always smile and demur, not wanting to admit that I really have no idea what I'm doing and, furthermore, the first draft of almost every entry contains the word "booger" at least six times. And poop. Don't get me started on poop.

There is one question I've been asked many times, though, that I can answer: "How did you get started writing a blog?" Come with me through the blurry lines of the flashback episode....

Folksy Musin's: The Sitcom

[Kicky sitcom opening sequence, with a cheesy montage of me juggling groceries and trying to walk a dog. The song would be something like a cross between "Ride of the Valkyries" and the theme from "Maude."]

Tonight's Episode: The Beginning

Cast:

Deb, a thoughtful, quietly attractive mom with a sharp wit and impeccable sense of style (played by Anne Hathaway)

Kristina, the adorable, wacky social worker with a heart of gold, with a wildly popular blog (played by Reese Witherspoon)

Sven, Deb's handsome loving cool talented amazing husband (played by Rob Pattinson or Seth Rogen, depending on who is available)

Act I: Pre-Blog Deb

Deb: Hey, Kristina! It's good to see you.

Kristina: You too! It's not at all strange that this script shows us having a face-to-face conversation even though we've never met!

Deb: I know, right? But we've been "talking" on the discussion board for such a long time, I feel like I know you!

Kristina: Me, too!

Act II: Kristina Makes a Suggestion

Deb: Hey, Kristina! I noticed you're not posting on the discussion board as much as you used to.

Kristina: You're right, I'm really into my blog right now.

Deb: You have a blog? Really?

Kristina: You should check it out. Have you ever thought about doing it yourself? You'd be really good at it.

Deb: Wow, you think so? Thanks!

[As laid-back acoustic indie rock plays, we see Deb sitting on her bed with her Macbook. She is reading Kristina's blog and chuckling to herself. She looks up, thoughtful, and hits "Create Blog" on the menu bar at the top of the page.]

Act III: After the Blog

Deb: Kristina, I can't thank you enough for helping me start my blog. It is so much fun and I'm having a great time.

Kristina: No problem. You know, we still haven't met. This isn't fact-based at all!

Deb: Look!  Angelina Jolie!

Kristina: Where?  [Deb runs away.]

Ending 1: if Sven is played by Rob Pattinson

[Deb sits on the bed, typing on her Macbook.]

Sven (entering, shirtless): {in a British accent} Deborah, love of my life, reason for my existence, have you seen my shirt?

Deb: No.  [She unobtrusively uses one foot to ease the pile of shirts out of sight.]

Ending 2: if Sven is played by Seth Rogen

[Deb sits on the bed, typing on her Macbook.  Sven enters.]

Sven: Are you writing that "blog" again? (Grimaces, waves hand in air behind him)

Deb: [gasping for air] What did you eat?

Sven: (laughing) Put that in your "blog." [Screen fades to black.]

Fin.

So today, if nothing else, we have learned: thank you, Kristina. This is all your fault.

Adventures In Building

As my muse, Francesca, shrewdly spotted in my last entry, yes, I did recently go to Build-A-Bear Workshop and build a bear for myself.

I should say before continuing that I had a perfectly legitimate reason for going to Build-A-Bear by myself, without my children.  When I take my children to Build-A-Bear, they selfishly insist on getting animals for themselves.  Furthermore, they claim they need "help."  So, I have never done a bear for me.

Not that this was a bear for me, per se.  I mean, technically, I own it, but it isn't for me.  It's for my students.  I teach music at an elementary school.  Our mascot is the Wildcats.  Build-A-Bear has a special High School Musical bear.  The school in High School Musical also has the Wildcats as a mascot.  So, you see, there was no way around it: I had to purchase a Build-A-Bear High School Musical Special Edition Bear for my young Wildcats.  And I had to do it in person, not online, because that would have been cheating.

I've taken the kids to Build-A-Bear dozens of times.  We usually don't deal with the staff, because Sven and I want to Share The Experience with our kids.  We have generally gone on a weekend or holiday, when the store is completely stuffed and we're lucky to escape with our lives, let alone our custom blow-up bear furniture.  However, as an adult woman, alone, on a workday during a non-holiday week, I had a totally different Build-A-Bear experience.

Firstly, the staff was not "on."  The perkiness I normally associate only with Build-A-Bear employees and meth addicts was conspicuously absent.  I chose my bear, got my sound module, and approached the giant stuffing apparatus with no acknowledgement.  That was fine; I was a little embarrassed to be there, with only a tourist family for company.   My discomfort was only slightly increased by the tourist family's apparent lack of interest in buying a bear; however, they photographed every step of my journey, which will, I'm sure, make an interesting slide show when they get back home.

When I finally approached the Stuffing Machine of the Gods, the young woman working there managed to put a smile on her face and motioned me forward.

"Hi," she said uncertainly.

"This is for my students," I said, wanting us all to be at ease.  The tourist family nodded.

"Whew!" she said.  "Do you want to do the whole spiel?"

"No, that's okay," I laughed.  I handed her the bear to stuff.  The tourist family got their cameras ready.

"Did you kiss your heart?" the Stuffer asked.

"I thought we were skipping-"

"KISS THE HEART!" she commanded, choosing one from the bin of bear organs they keep next to the stuffing turbine.  The tourist family grinned, pleased to capture the moment.  I kissed the heart.  She stuffed the bear until it was acceptable to me (which I had to prove by hugging) and then moved immediately to the cash register.

You heard right.  She didn't try to get me to "bathe" the bear under the air showers, register the bear's birth certificate, or dress the bear.  Furthermore, she didn't attempt to upsell the bear condominium, furniture, or time share on Fire Island.  She allowed me to pick out some miniature animals for my children, then sent me on my way.

As I staggered out of the store, I saw the tourist family headed for the animal bins.  I left them there, intent on saving myself.  I hope they made it out.

To Francesca, With Love...

Recently, I was given some blog love from one of my favorite online gal pals, Francesca of Three Bay B Chicks. Francesca listed me as one of her 10 favorite blogs. I looked at her recommendations, and now most of them are listed on my sidebar. (Go ahead, check them out, they are awesome.)

I am new to blogging, so I don't have many blogs that I read, so instead, I'd like to honor Francesca's honoring of me by honoring a request she made in the comments section of my "Inside the Actor's Studio" blog. (I know, I've used the word "Honor" too much, but it makes me giggle.) Here, now, are my answers to James Lipton's Ten Questions:

1) What is your favorite word? Kerfuffle. I use it a lot.

2) What is your least favorite word? Any explicit anatomical term makes me cringe a little. I was raised to believe that was vulgar; of course, I now have a three-year-old daughter who strips naked and runs through the house shrieking, "Look at my butt!"

3) What turns you on? Really well-prepared, semi-complicated food.

4) What turns you off? Flabby hands.

5) What is your favorite curse word? It's too filthy to print, and I only use it on occasion. Tom Cruise said it in Tropic Thunder, but I've been using it for years.

6) What sound or noise do you love? Silence.

7) What sound or noise do you hate? The wheezes as my son struggles to breathe.

8) What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? I would love to be a professional writer. I'm working on a novel, it's up to 50,000 words, but I'm stuck...

9) What profession would you not like to attempt? I would not like to do anything where I have to be dishonest, or compromise on really important things. So, no future for me in politics or school administration!

10) If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? I answered this in my blog post earlier, but here's a new one:
Welcome to Heaven. Your mansion is three doors down, to the right. Brad Pitt is cleaning the pool.

Imagine the rest of the staff...