Facebook Etiquette

Continuing in my series on "Making The World A Better Place By Attempting To Create Rules For Everything," today's topic is Facebook Etiquette.

Facebook has opened up a mannerly can of worms for those of us who attempt to behave with utmost correct politeness at all times. None of the well-known etiquette mavens, as far as I know, have come up with a specific code of conduct for Facebook, and I think I understand why. There are different ways to view Facebook, and depending on how you view Facebook, the polite standard of behavior will change.

1. Facebook as a "neighborhood." In this scenario, Facebook is like a neighborhood street, and people's walls are like their homes. Anything you wish to post on your wall, therefore, is welcome and appropriate, and it is rude to ask people not to post those things, even things that may be offensive to you.

Problem: In a real home, what's in your house stays in your house. On Facebook, what's posted to your wall also gets posted to all of your friends' news feeds, so that when they call up their home page, "How Libertarians Will Kill Us All And Eat Our Young" is there whether they agree or not. However, you can block friends from your news feed, or de-friend them if the offense if strong enough.

Problem: It would be considered rude in the extreme to comment on things in people's actual homes in anything but the nicest way. If, for instance, I have a picture of myself with President Obama hung in my home, the only polite thing to say, even if you believe Obama is taking this country down in a socialism-fueled ball of flames, is "How nice for you!" On Facebook, however, people are SUPPOSED to comment on what you post. It's the whole point. So posting a picture of yourself with religious or political connotations is going to invite comment, which will lead to possibly heated discussion of a socially forbidden topic, which isn't polite.

2. Facebook is a big party, and what takes place on Facebook are just the kind of conversations that happen at the kind of big party where a lot of different types of people are gathered together.

Problem: Many. There are many, many ways to offend people in conversation, and all of them seem to exist on Facebook. There is misinterpretation, hot-button topics, carrying on conversations while excluding someone, discussing events in front of people who weren't invited...it's endless, really. If people view their walls as parties they themselves are hosting, then some sort of control can be attempted, but in my opinion it comes off as rude to attempt to tell people what they can and can't post. I've deleted posts on occasion when I felt they were inappropriate for my wall, but I've always felt badly about it, like I kicked a friend out of a party for cussing too loudly.

3. Facebook is a networking opportunity. Friend requests should be freely accepted unless there is a compelling reason not to, like an active restraining order.

Problem: Facebook is primarily social. We all have the right to decide who will be allowed to see our Facebook page. Some people genuinely don't care, which is fine, but the friction happens when someone who doesn't care attempts to friend someone who does. Some people have strict policies: not friending current students, supervisors, co-workers, sharks, or in-laws. That is absolutely their right; it can get exhausting trying to censor yourself so that everything you post is acceptable to everyone on your friend list.

I don't know the answer. I actually am not in favor for a formal codification of Facebook rules, because I think it's something that everyone uses differently.

Conclusion: Everyone needs to settle down. It's supposed to be fun! Unless you don't use it for fun! But still settle down!

Please, it's exhausting trying to fix all of you people.

Petty Compatibility Quiz

Feel free to take this quiz with your husband, partner, girlfriend/boyfriend, roommate, friend, or cat. Each of you should take the quiz, then compare answers.

1. When purchasing tuna fish,

a. Only solid white Albacore tuna in spring water is acceptable.

b. Chunk white or light is fine, as long as it's my preferred brand.

c. Whatever's on sale is what you're getting.

d. You'll get cat food and be grateful.

2. Mayonnaise

a. Is an essential condiment.

b. And salad dressing are really the same thing.

c. Must be "real" mayonnaise to make it on my sandwich.

d. Is an excellent lubricant for stuck fishing reels.

3. The television remote control

a. Should be kept in an easily located central spot.

b. Should be by my right hand at all times.

c. Should be by your right hand at all times.

d. Lives in the fold of my belly. I'll forget this, so you need to remind me.

4. Pets

a. Are wonderful additions to any home.

b. Aren't something I want, but I could live with a fish or a bird.

c. Are demons from hell sent to destroy my brand-new carpet.

d. Can fight the children for whatever is left in the "tuna" can.

5. Fabric softener

a. Makes for fresh, cozy clothes that carry a touch of home with me wherever I go.

b. Is a luxury, but as long as we're doing all right we can have it.

c. Is more of a "woman" thing.

d. Renders men sterile.

6. Grilling outdoors

a. Is a fun activity for couples to do.

b. Is the way men like to cook.

c. Is a great way to cook in the summertime.

d. Is done in an aluminum trash can stolen from the neighbors.

7. My idea of a fun evening is

a. Going out to a nice restaurant, followed by a movie.

b. Snuggling together on the couch to watch TV.

c. Reading a book alone.

d. Shooting rats at the dump with the folks.

8. To keep fit, I

a. Hike.

b. Walk.

c. Swim.

d. Smoke.

9. Hanging curtains is

a. The most important thing we will ever do.

b. Important, but there are other things to be done first.

c. Not that important, I'll get around to it.

d. Something I will never, ever do. Ever. So just give up.

10. The toilet is clean if

a. It smells nice and has clear, clean water.

b. It smells like chemicals and has blue water.

c. I can get near it without passing out.

d. I can see it through the tears streaming down my face.

To score: Give yourself 1 point for every A, 2 points for every B, 4 points for every C, and 8 points for every D. Add up your score. Do you notice anything significant about the number? You shouldn't, it's meaningless. Laugh merrily and set fire to the paper containing your score. Or just throw it away. Whatever.

Instead of scoring, compare answers with your partner. Hopefully, you guys are pretty close, but you will find those areas of incompatibility. Fortunately, all of these problems can be solved with frank, open communication and Xanax. Ha! But seriously, if each partner compromises a bit, these petty little problems will have no power over you.

You notice I put nothing on the quiz about dirty clothes, particularly socks and underwear, that are dropped in random locations throughout the house and left there, presumably to grow new socks and underwear for the sockless, naked denizens of our backyard. Some things simply can't be fixed by a quiz.

I'm no Cosmo.

Deb's Top 10

The Top 10 Reasons It's A Good Thing School Is Starting Again:

10. New TV Shows: Now, we get to see all of the shows about which we will be saying, "Can you believe they tried to make a show out of that?" next year.

9. Returning TV Shows: We get to catch up with our returning favorites, like Project Runway, Lost, Law & Order: SVU, Top Chef...that's all I can think of. How is it I watch so much television but follow so few shows? (Answer: reruns of GOOD television.)

8. The Holidays: You may think it's too early to get into the "Holiday Spirit," but you would be wrong. I had my first anxiety dream about Thanksgiving last night. And, for your information, there are only 130 shopping days until Christmas! My feet are starting to sweat...

7. Awareness: Since school is starting again, I will be watching the news every day. I do not follow the news during the summer, save occasionally watching The Daily Show, the Colbert Report, and The Soup. I'm not completely irresponsible. However, it occurred to Sven and I the other night that we had no idea whether or not the storm we were watching head for our house was dangerous or not, and I knew our time of blissful ignorance was coming to an end.

6. I Can't Sleep Anyway: Fall, along with spring and winter, is my "allergy time." I have "seasonal allergies," which often mutate into "crippling sinus infections" and/or "pneumonia." Summer is the only time of year that is relatively allergy-free for me. My dripping nose and itchy eyes tell me it's time for school...and I'm up at 5:50 writing a blog post.

5. New Friends: Each fall brings in a crop of new teachers, which means new opportunities to make awkward conversation in an attempt to find someone with whom I get along. As a documented introvert, meeting new people is difficult for me. By the end of the year, though, I have almost always made new friends, just in time for them to leave and go to a new school.

4. Old Friends: Fortunately, my "team" is intact this year. (My team consists of music, art, P.E., and computer class.) We aren't getting any new people on our team! And I like everyone we had last year! A lot! Yay, Deb! (And, Art Teacher Lindsey, you need to get better very soon.)

3. Optimism: There is something about the start of the year that makes me forget the cynicism and despair which is my usual oeuvre. I see the kids who were awful last year and think, "They could have a really good year this year!" I have all kinds of ideas for innovative new lessons. I have a new schedule. Things are looking good, baby.

2. Gratuitous use of "baby" in general conversation.

1. Back Into the Social Scene: Dexy and Princess can come into their own as the social butterflies they are becoming. Princess, of course, has Tyler, her mustachioed, burly, cologne-scented toddler boyfriend. Dexy has become the social leader of the Toddler Room, due to his skills in a completely unknown (to me) arena:

That boy can dance.

Every day when I pick him up, he is standing in the center of a circle of his awed classmates, shaking what I gave him. He jumps, he spins, he cocks a sassy eyebrow. He sees me at the window, waves, and keeps dancing until the surrounding circle notices me and crowds around to drool on my feet.

It's going to be a great year.

Project: Me?

Project Runway will be starting a new season very soon, and I have a decision to make: am I willing to become a Lifetime woman in order to watch?

Before Project Runway, I could very honestly and proudly proclaim, "I don't watch 'reality shows.'" The whole Survivor thing totally passed me by. It puzzled me that people would find that sort of thing interesting.

Okay, I did watch the first season of The Real World, when I was still in high school. Back in those days I would have watched anything if MTV aired it. I was also a fan of Beavis and Butthead and Liquid Television (were the animated series Aeon Flux began). But that's not "reality television," because the term didn't exist then.

All right, I followed one of the seasons of Big Brother, I'm not sure which, but it was in the single digits. My defense for that is our lack of cable television at the time. Beaumont, Texas only had five stations that were analog broadcast; we didn't even get the WB!

But I never really got "hooked" until my 2 a.m. feedings with Princess introduced me to a giant maniac named Santino and the gentle wisdom of Tim Gunn. I became an avid follower of Season 2 of Project Runway (still, in my opinion, the best season) and have never looked back.

For those of you unfamiliar with the show, here's a quick tutorial:

1. Heidi Klum: Host and judge. Heidi plays the role of "everywoman" on the judging panel; she has no experience designing or sewing, but she spots things that would be visible to most supermodels capable of walking the runway at a Victoria's Secret fashion show eight weeks after giving birth. You know, just like you and me.

2. Tim Gunn: Mentor. Tim Gunn is the most fabulous being ever created by reality television. He uses wonderful big words like "egregious." His job is to help explain the challenges to the designers, oversee their shopping trips, and give feedback about their designs-in-progress. He always gets teary at just the right moments. He defines "unflappable." I love Tim Gunn.

3. Michael Kors: Judge. Michael Kors is a well-known American designer who has dressed many celebrities and important persons. He uses phrases like "I'm underwhelmed" and "I feel like the Pope at a sex club," though I'm fairly certain those were in response to two different challenges.

4. Nina Garcia: Judge. Nina is a bigwig in the fashion magazine industry, first as fashion editor of Elle magazine, then editor-at-large. Nina is completely bored with everything anyone has ever worn ever, and wants something new. She scares the contestants more than any other judge.

5. Guest Judge: Sometimes celebrities (Natalie Portman, Sarah Jessica Parker) but usually fashion insiders, these guest judges are generally connected to product placement or sponsorship in some way. They can be entertaining, but rarely.

6. Designers: Each season starts with 13-16 designers who, each show, must create a garment (or outfit, which they call "a look") within certain parameters. At the end of each show, one designer is told, "You're out," by Heidi, and that poor sucker goes home. The final three (or four) show a 12-13 piece collection at Fashion Week in New York.

Naturally, a lot of the show is drama between the designers. Sometimes they have to work in teams. One time they had to dress themselves, another time they had to dress each other. Tempers run high and artistic temperaments break down. Delicious.

Seasons 1-5 of Project Runway were on the Bravo Television Network ("TV for Gay Men and the Women Who Love Them"). The focus was on the snipy, the snarky, and the fabulous. Season 6 of Project Runway will air on Lifetime ("Television for Women Who Cry Soft Tears and Hold Each Other Gently"), which is not my thing at all.

Will this change my beloved PR? Will they begin to focus on the female designers, as though female designers are capable of any sort of personal feeling? Will they have to dress women who weigh more than 82 pounds?

I don't know. The premiere is Thursday, August 20, and all I can say is, I'll try.

Now pass me that Kleenex and hold me. Gently.

Blogging Through the Pain

I just dropped Princess and Dexy off for their first day of day care for the 2009-2010 school year.

Sven drops the kids off, as a rule. He can do it. I break down in tears every time I have to leave them. The only time I drop them off is if Sven is sick.

Except, of course, I go on the first day.

Dexy was very concerned when we got there. His little brow furrowed, and his cheeks puffed out as he held on to his lower lip, struggling not to cry. He hates to cry when he's scared. Fortunately, the wonderful Miss DeeDee said the magic words ("Would you like some breakfast?") and he went to her. He clung to my neck when I hugged him good-bye, but there were no tears. From him, anyway. I left too quickly for him to see mine. I risked a look back, and he was examining breakfast with Miss DeeDee, his arm around her shoulders, Mommy and Daddy forgotten for the moment.

I should have felt better.

Then, we took Princess to Miss Liz. All of the children over three have breakfast together, so the room was full of much bigger kids who were already noisy and playing. Princess got nervous and began to pull against my hand. We took her to the breakfast table, with her chanting, "Maybe we should do this tomorrow."

Then she saw him.

Tyler.

You remember Tyler, right?

Princess lost all interest in Sven and me. Miss Liz had to prompt, "Say goodbye to Mommy and Daddy," and she threw a casual wave in our direction while smiling invitingly at Tyler.

I'm not sure I care for Tyler.

It took less than 10 minutes. Both children were in day care, seeming secure and happy. I went to the grocery store, thinking about everything I could get done this week, before I have to return to work.

When I stop crying, that is.

After

Sorry, Kristina.

(She wanted me bald like Britney. I considered it.)

Before

Considerations

When two people meet, fall in love, and decide to spend the rest of their lives together (or at least a couple of months), there are certain things to consider. I'm not an expert, but I watch them on TV, and here are some of the things they seem to feel are important:

• Common interests
• Common or compatible career goals
• Money
• Sex
• Other (children, religion, general morality, etc.)

I must say, when one of these "relationship experts" begins pontificating about how "important" it is to "get to know" the "person" you plan to "marry" in so many important "ways," I scoff. I also chortle, guffaw, and occasionally reflux. (It's my diet.) Because they never talk about the things that are really important, the things that make or break 99% of otherwise happy marriages and relationships, according to my opinion:

**THE LITTLE THINGS**

So, here is Deb's Guide to Petty Compatibility. Understanding your Petty Compatibility, on its own, does nothing. However, if you are compatible on the BIG THINGS, take a look at some of these little, petty things. These are in no way based on my relationship.*

1. Toast compatibility.

A. Toasters: some people like leaving the toaster on the counter, some prefer it be put away, necessitating one partner's hovering over the cooling toaster like an anxious mother bird, waiting for it to be cool enough to handle and/or not ignite the paper grocery bags stored in the toaster cabinet because who puts away a toaster, honestly?

B. Toast Material: some people like Pop-tarts that are hot, frozen waffles, or other toaster fare that is not, exactly, toast. Does your partner ever check the darkness setting? Or does he blindly press the button down and walk away while the last two pieces of bread are transformed into charcoal?

Solution: This problem is far from insurmountable. Visit the home of your intended. Is there a visible toaster? If not, make a casual request ("Say, I feel like some toast right about now."). Observe your beloved as he or she toasts the bread. Be prepared.

2. Bread Compatibility

A. Type: some people like hearty, flavorful, whole-grain breads or those crusty breads that are fresh-made. Others prefer the squashy, white, slightly damp plain white breads devoid of all nutritional value. Who is to say who is right? (Me.)

B. Use: some people prefer to use bread down to the last piece. Others prefer to allow the heel and the "buffer" piece to be discarded. In addition, some people eat the bread "in order," starting with a heel piece, while others save the initial heel to help keep the remaining bread fresh. This can be huge.

C. Storage: some people are casual about their bread bags, giving it a twist and tuck and allowing the little plastic-coated metal wire to go by the wayside. Others are obsessive about tracking that little piece of wire to the ends of the earth, if necessary, and use it to seal the bread by twisting it both clockwise and counter-clockwise 87 times with each use.

Solution: While at the home of your intended, take a casual peek into the pantry, breadbox, cabinet, or cardboard box, provided no one is sitting on it. See what varieties of bread are available. If it is unsatisfactory, send your future partner to the grocery store to get some "good bread" and see what he comes back with. (Ladies, you should all do this anyway. It is loads of fun.)

3. Cabinets, drawers, switches, and appliances

Some people are careless about leaving cabinet doors or drawers open, or light switches on. These people are relaxed, carefree individuals who simply have more on their mind than closing some stupid cabinet or drawer. Others may not appreciate this sort of freedom and, Gestapo-like, prowl through the house ferreting out doors to close and switches to flip.

Solution: I'll just shut the cabinet.

So, there you have it. Three points of Petty Compatibility for otherwise happy couples. I haven't even made it out of the kitchen yet. There are countless points I haven't even found yet, because they haven't come up. But they will. If there is one thing I've learned from my 23 years on earth (quiet, Mom) it is this: people will find things to fuss about. I try not to do it, but goodness knows I'm not perfect. And some people don't even try!

But, compromise is possible, when two people love each other and someone is willing to change.

I put my foot down on the bread, though.

*This is totally about my relationship, as I'm sure you have not figured out by now because I did such a good job of keeping things vague and non-judgmental.