Deb's Top 10

The Top 10 Reasons It's A Good Thing School Is Starting Again:

10. New TV Shows: Now, we get to see all of the shows about which we will be saying, "Can you believe they tried to make a show out of that?" next year.

9. Returning TV Shows: We get to catch up with our returning favorites, like Project Runway, Lost, Law & Order: SVU, Top Chef...that's all I can think of. How is it I watch so much television but follow so few shows? (Answer: reruns of GOOD television.)

8. The Holidays: You may think it's too early to get into the "Holiday Spirit," but you would be wrong. I had my first anxiety dream about Thanksgiving last night. And, for your information, there are only 130 shopping days until Christmas! My feet are starting to sweat...

7. Awareness: Since school is starting again, I will be watching the news every day. I do not follow the news during the summer, save occasionally watching The Daily Show, the Colbert Report, and The Soup. I'm not completely irresponsible. However, it occurred to Sven and I the other night that we had no idea whether or not the storm we were watching head for our house was dangerous or not, and I knew our time of blissful ignorance was coming to an end.

6. I Can't Sleep Anyway: Fall, along with spring and winter, is my "allergy time." I have "seasonal allergies," which often mutate into "crippling sinus infections" and/or "pneumonia." Summer is the only time of year that is relatively allergy-free for me. My dripping nose and itchy eyes tell me it's time for school...and I'm up at 5:50 writing a blog post.

5. New Friends: Each fall brings in a crop of new teachers, which means new opportunities to make awkward conversation in an attempt to find someone with whom I get along. As a documented introvert, meeting new people is difficult for me. By the end of the year, though, I have almost always made new friends, just in time for them to leave and go to a new school.

4. Old Friends: Fortunately, my "team" is intact this year. (My team consists of music, art, P.E., and computer class.) We aren't getting any new people on our team! And I like everyone we had last year! A lot! Yay, Deb! (And, Art Teacher Lindsey, you need to get better very soon.)

3. Optimism: There is something about the start of the year that makes me forget the cynicism and despair which is my usual oeuvre. I see the kids who were awful last year and think, "They could have a really good year this year!" I have all kinds of ideas for innovative new lessons. I have a new schedule. Things are looking good, baby.

2. Gratuitous use of "baby" in general conversation.

1. Back Into the Social Scene: Dexy and Princess can come into their own as the social butterflies they are becoming. Princess, of course, has Tyler, her mustachioed, burly, cologne-scented toddler boyfriend. Dexy has become the social leader of the Toddler Room, due to his skills in a completely unknown (to me) arena:

That boy can dance.

Every day when I pick him up, he is standing in the center of a circle of his awed classmates, shaking what I gave him. He jumps, he spins, he cocks a sassy eyebrow. He sees me at the window, waves, and keeps dancing until the surrounding circle notices me and crowds around to drool on my feet.

It's going to be a great year.

Adventures In Surgery

Today, my little baby Dexy, my boy, my prince, had surgery.

Yes, it was outpatient surgery, "minor" surgery, if you will, but that begs the question: is any surgery performed on your 18-month-old son and heir "minor?" I would say not.

Dexy suffers, as many children do, from inadequate eustachian tube development. (His ear canal-thingy is too short.) This causes him to get fluid buildup behind his eardrum, which causes him to lose hearing and delays speech development. It also makes him more likely to get ear infections. To remedy this situation, the doctors cut tiny holes in the eardrum, drain the fluid, and place eensy weensy tubes in the holes to allow future fluid buildup to drain. (See image below):

If you're anything like me, hearing this caused you to nod wisely, then hyperventilate and pass out. They intend to CUT MY SON'S EARDRUM to fix some piddly little ear infection? Really? After all of the literature you've given me telling me how I will go to jail for child endangerment if I use a Q-tip in his ear, you're going to CUT MY SON'S EARDRUM to fix his ears?

Fortunately, I'm married to one of the most level-headed men in the world, Sven (see image below):

Sven wisely reminded me that the doctor knew what he was talking about (since, technically, a degree in music doesn't make me an expert on the ear), and we had this same procedure done on Princess over two years ago, and she's fine.

All would have been well, except the doctor continued his sentence. They also planned to remove my son's androids. (See image below):

Androids are part of the "useless system," a group of organs that exist solely to become infected so that surgeons can practice procedures that end in "-ectomy." In addition to the androids, this little-studied group of organs includes the tonsils, the appendix, the spleen, the glossary, the nostril hair, the bibliography, the third nipple, and Perez Hilton (see image below):

{Edit: I have just been informed by Sven that the doctor actually removed Dexy's adenoids, as pictured below:

This means his androids are still intact, exploring strange new worlds, seeking out new life and new civilizations, boldly going where no one has gone before. I apologize for the confusion.}

As I have learned in recent years, part of the price one pays for quality medical care is time. To prove you are really serious about obtaining whatever procedure you have been instructed to receive, you are required to arrive a ridiculous amount of time before the procedure and sit, useless, quivering with tension, until the idea of cutting open your eardrum seems pleasant. The amount of time you will spend waiting is directly proportional to the seriousness of the procedure. We were instructed to report at 7:15 for Dexy's scheduled 9:15 procedure, an outpatient surgery that actually took about 30 minutes to perform. We then had to wait in recovery until Dexy's doctor had time to discharge us, so we actually left the hospital around 12:30. I consider us lucky. If they had decided to remove his tonsils, we would have been required to report sometime in March.

But seriously, the hospital (see image below) was great.

Texas Children's Hospital is truly top-notch. Our doctor, who I will call Dr. Donuts, was a gentleman and very reassuring. Proving to me that we made the right choice, he called us at home around 9:00 to make sure Dexy was doing well. That makes up for at least 4 hours of useless waiting.

Also wonderful was the small toy Sven purchased at the hospital gift shop to "cheer the kid up." (See image below):

(When I say "small," I am lying. This stuffed dog is substantially larger than Dexy. He refused to let it go once he regained consciousness, meaning I carried him, clutching this giant dog, through the hospital and to the car in Houston humidity. Also ironic is that this dog was purchased at the insistence of Sven, who gives me the fish eye every time I buy something for the kids, because "we don't have room for any more stuff." I called him a softie, to his face, and he didn't deny it.)

The surgery went well. Unfortunately, the doctor found that the adenoids were larger than he expected, and the infection around them was more severe than the thought, so Dexy was in quite a bit more pain than is typical for these sorts of procedures, necessitating additional morphine. Also, the adenoid removal makes his breath smell like nothing I've ever encountered, and that is saying something. However, in signature Dexy style, he has been playing and babbling some tonight and has consumed respectable amounts of applesauce, vanilla ice cream, and macaroni & cheese.

It has been quite a day. I'm off to bed, next to my snoring, stinky little prince. Our hope is that in a few short days we will have a healthier, happier Dexy, and thus a healthier, happier family. Have a great summer, everybody.

The Horror, Oh, The Horror!

I have a pitch for a horror movie targeted at a very specific audience.

This audience would be parents, approaching or just past 40, with their youngest child almost out of diapers/ready to start school.

Title: "The Stick"

Secondary Title: Based on a true story...

{We open on a well-furnished, spacious bedroom. The room is cluttered with books, magazines, and children's toys. The camera pans across the room, and we notice a brown-haired lump under one side of the bed covers, breathing peacefully. The other half of the bed is empty. Dissolve to exterior shot, day, with husband, wife, and two small children outside playing in the grass.}

Woman: I've got the last of little Janey's baby clothes all bagged up. I'll take them by the charity bin tonight.

Man: That's good. I've got all of the swings and things ready for the church garage sale.

Woman: It will be great to finally clear out all of this clutter.

Man: Imagine, by this time next year, we won't have any more diapers in the house.

Woman: And in two years, we'll only have one in day care. Imagine what we can do with that money!

Man: We can pay off the house faster, that's for sure.

Woman: Maybe we can take that cruise you wanted to go on.

Man: Or that trip to England you're always talking about.

Woman: Why not? When the kids are old enough to appreciate it, that would be great.

Man: One boy, one girl. Things are just perfect, aren't they?

Woman: I can finally get my Master's degree! {She sighs and settles back into the grass.}


{Dissolve back to the previous interior, where we now recognize the man from the previous scene as the contented lump under the covers. The camera moves into the bathroom, where a fuzzy-haired woman we also recognize from the previous scene peers owlishly at a slender white object in her right hand.}

Woman: Come on, come on!

{Close-up on the woman's face, the shot focuses finally on her eyes. They grow wide, and she screams wildly. The camera pans to the object in her hand, which has two pronounced pink lines in the middle.}

Title card: THE STICK!

Terrifying, isn't it?

(Disclaimer: this is based on a true story, but mine had a very different ending this morning. I didn't think one line and "Yippee!" made for a great ending, horror-wise.)

(I'm not pregnant.)