A Wicked Backhand

It is considered bad manners to offer an uninvited observation on someone's appearance.

Even to give a compliment. If someone has not directly asked you, "How do I look?" it is rude to offer your opinion on their appearance.

Today, the wisdom of that was reaffirmed to me.

"Deb, what are you doing different?" my colleague asked me in the hall at lunch. "You look pretty."

Was there ever a compliment more badly phrased? I'm sure there was. But this one was a doozy. I have failed to capture the semi-awed tone implying that I was unfit for viewing in daylight before in print, but it was there.

Fortunately for us all, I know this lady is a sweet, kind, amazing individual who teaches kindergarten. A saint, in other words. I know she meant to pay me a sincere compliment, and her chagrin when she realized what she said was genuine and a little painful.

Also fortunately, I am a survivor of foot-in-mouth disease, which has plagued me for years. I'm constantly reviewing what I say or write in fear of saying the wrong thing. Every time I relax my vigilance, something slips through that causes me to spend the next six months writhing in mortification every time I remember it, which is every second of every day.

So, to my wonderful colleague, thank you for the lovely compliment. I accepted it, and continue to accept it, in the spirit in which I know you intended it.

And I'm pretty sure it was the haircut. I am pretty cute, if I do say so myself...

Happy Monday!!

Let the Punishment Fit the Crime

Princess is in trouble.

Apparently, the following exchange took place at school yesterday:

Teacher: Children, you need to be quiet.

Princess: No, YOU need to be quiet!

My child.

Princess met me at school with her head hung down in shame. She wouldn't meet my eyes. When we got to the car and I managed to get her chin up, the corners of her mouth were turned down so low I thought they would meet underneath.

"It was an accident!" she wailed. "I didn't mean to be bad!"

"I'm not happy," I answered, Stern Mommy face in place. I knew I had to play the big card. "Wait until I tell Daddy about this."

"Aaaahhh," Princess wailed from the carseat. "I didn't mean to be bad! It was an accident!"

When we got home, Princess was sent to her room while Sven and I deliberated. We decided on the following punishment:

1. No cupcake. (My cousins sent me home with cupcakes last weekend, it's not like we constantly have cupcakes in the house to withdraw from the children for misbehavior.)

2. Removal of the DVD player from her room for the night. (Yes, she has a portable DVD player that she keeps in her room. I hear you, Mom.)

News of this punishment was greeted with the same level of distress that I imagine would result from a group of Lord of the Rings fans being told that Peter Jackson won't be directing the film version of "The Hobbit." Teeth were gnashed. Hair was pulled. Clothing was rent. She didn't have access to ashes or sackcloth, but you get the idea.

"Thank goodness we had the foresight to shower our children with a ridiculous amount of material objects, so we now have things to take away!" I said to Sven.

"I agree," he said.

Today, she was wonderful. A peach. She apologized to the teacher and played nicely all day. All is well.

Here's the problem:

Removing the DVD player caused her to sleep. Most of the night. She never does that. Now, I don't want to give the DVD player back.

I'll think of something...

80-fication

I have blogged before about my disgust for so-called "educational" television. What does this dreck really teach our kids? That the world is:

• Full of caring anthropomorphic creatures that will instruct them on how to use shapes to build a rocket to Mars so they can save a kitten, and
• Completely tolerant and accepting of everyone, to the point that multi-ethnic groups of people will break into a dance of friendship after successfully reading the word "wiener."

This, of course, is poppycock. Where are the real lessons kids need to learn? You know, lessons like:

• The universe is full of evil half-human supervillains with comical names like "Stinkor."
• Appropriate attire for any occasion includes leg warmers and a hi-leg leotard
• Mr. T can do anything
• For it to count, your primary talent should be emblazoned on your stomach

These lessons are where we all belong: back in the 1980's.

To further my children's education and halt the alarming encroachments Dora the Explorer ("Blinking At You In Many Languages! *blink* *blink* Bueno!!") is making in our household, I recently purchased the following DVD's:

• Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer
• The Care Bears Movie
• The My Little Pony Movie
• She-Ra, Season 1, Part 1 (the first 32 episodes of this landmark series)

Each of these films sensitively conveys ideas that have been lost to today's generation due to the "misguidedness" of "political correctness" and "sensitivity."

WARNING: SPOILERS OF 25-YEAR-OLD MEDIA AHEAD

Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer takes a very simple story and conveys it with a depth and maturity not often seen in animation. To summarize: there's a princess who loves shiny things who decides she wants Spectra, the diamond planet, which creates all light in the universe. Shockingly, she is not the heroine. Our heroine is Rainbow Brite, who, after being awakened by her commune of coeducational and multi-ethnic "roommates," sets off to recover Spectra so she can bring spring to Earth. (She knows about the situation because the robot horse told her. Don't question me.) Rainbow Brite takes her horse, Starlight (who speaks in a British accent but sings like Tom Petty) to Spectra, but she is followed by Murky and Lurky, who are her usual enemies because they hate color. Long story short (quiet!): Rainbow Brite saves Spectra and the magic key glows again and spring comes back to earth and the sprites rejoice. (Of course there are sprites. They work in the color mines, which are happy, fanciful mines that produce colored gems and, apparently, marijuana, judging by the sprites' facial expressions.)

Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer teaches us that greed is very, very bad. A courageous message for a movie based on a collectible toy series that constantly invented new colors just to have new dolls to market.

****

The Care Bears Movie follows three orphans whose names I can't recall. Two of the orphans are brother and sister, and they get sucked up to Care-a-Lot by the Care Bears, who teach them to love again. On earth, Nicholas (okay, I remembered one) finds a magic book that sucks the caring out of him and everyone else. The Care Bears and Care Bear Cousins must leave Care-A-Lot and the Forest of Feelings to defeat the evil book and make Nicholas care again. Starring Mickey Rooney.

The Care Bears Movie teaches us that books are evil. Well played, evil corporate toy merchants.

***

The My Little Pony Movie is so amazing that I couldn't even watch it. It also stars Mickey Rooney.

****

She-Ra, Princess of Power is the most amazing thing in the history of ever. It is a spin-off of the He-Man cartoon series. Those of you who think you remember the 80's, go to Youtube and watch some He-Man and then come back. I'll wait.

{wait}

So He-Man really "transforms," right? He goes from a pageboy-haircut, pink stretch pants-wearing "regular guy" to an oiled-up bodybuilder? Very butch. And did you notice that He-Man's hair and face don't change at all? He just changes his clothes to become He-Man. His own parents don't know him. Here's how that would really work:

**********

Momz: Hey, who are you and what are you doing here?

Deb: Mom, it's me.

Momz: Oh, I didn't recognize you. You look like a completely different person.

Deb: I took off my jacket.

Momz: That's it.

**********

He-Man's parents must have either been unimaginably stupid (which some episodes suggest) or just playing along:

*******

Dad: Where's Adam?

Mom: I don't know, he's out playing with his sword.

Adam: (from outside, faintly): I....Have....the POWER!!

Dad: Great. Here he comes.

Mom: Shut up, shut up, get into character...

He-Man (entering): Skeletor is coming!

Dad: Oh, no! Whatever shall we do? It's a good thing you're here, He-Man, instead of someone else who just looks like you but dresses like a female ice skater. (Winces as Mom elbows him)

Mom: But where is my son Adam? Not in front of me half-naked, that's for sure.

He-Man: There's no time, you have to leave before Skeletor gets here!

Mom: All right. There are cookies on the table, dear.

******

She-Ra's friends are even dumber, because Adora, She-Ra's alter-ego, used to be a Horde commander or something, and she showed up to join the rebellion at the same time She-Ra appeared. Coincidence? I think so!

What doesn't She-Ra teach us? Don't trust whisper-voiced shadow demon sorceress ladies? Check. People with metal bones for faces are bad? Check. If an organization voluntarily calls itself "The Horde," it's probably not good? Checkity check.

All still vital lessons for today.

I have the power.

Ron Clark and Oprah

Written Last Week, but posting the first day of school


Today I had the privilege of listening to Ron Clark, founder of the Ron Clark Academy. You might know him from his appearances on Oprah, various media outlets, and the movie based on his experiences, "The Ron Clark Story" starring Matthew Perry, my favorite Friend.

This is just one more example of how Oprah is always right.


Scoff if you will, but years ago, I saw Oprah interview this darling Southern boy who had made such a success out of a school in Harlem, New York that he won the American Teacher of the Year award. He inspired me then. Now that I've seen him in person, I want to drop everything, move to Atlanta, and convince him that he needs a full time choir director/piano teacher on staff. (Mom, if you're reading this, I'm just joking.) (Mr. Clark, if you're reading this, I'm so not joking.)


Other things Oprah has been right about:


1. Reading is fun. When Oprah decided that Americans needed to read again, we all did. Well, technically you all did, because I read all along. However, at Oprah's suggestion, I did vary my Stephen King/Trashy Romance diet with some Barbara Kingsolver and Lalita Tademy. And, you know, a lot of those books were pretty good.


2. Dr. Phil. I always tell people that I can't stand Dr. Phil, but the truth is I usually get advice on his show that totally makes sense for me. I'm sorry. It's a sickness.


3. Every celebrity breakup ever. Well, maybe not, but I personally knew the Brad Pitt/Jennifer Aniston marriage was over when Oprah, using her penetrating and deft interviewing style, asked Pitt about marriage and married life. His answer: "Well, it's great, it's a lot of fun, but I don't think there's such a thing as a lifetime of happiness with one person. I think you have to enjoy the time you have with someone, and then be ready for the next thing." Or something to that effect. How did Jen not see it coming?


4. Your bedroom should be a sanctuary. It sounds corny, but since I took the time to really clean and organize our bedroom, there is a sense of peace and relaxation there that I swear was not there before. Oprah, of course, recommends a complete redecoration for the whole "sanctuary" thing to be complete, so Sven... (cough)


I could go on, but I won't. (You're welcome.) But I have to tell you how inspired I was by today's talk. Mr. Clark is an energetic, goofy, lithe man who bounds all over the stage and has an expressive, mobile face. He is the antithesis of "passive." I've been going to these "Welcome back, now get inspired!" meetings for a long time now. Here's a sample of some of the other things I've heard:


1. Unintelligible mumbling about Los Angeles
2. How China and India are going to drive us all into homelessness and we can't stop it
3. How self-esteem is imaginary and we shouldn't cater to it
4. How test scores don't matter, but here's how you raise them.


I could go on, but I won't. (Stop it.) Fortunately, this year I got to hear Ron Clark, which meant I got dinner (a lot of good, substantive ideas for classroom management and instruction) and a show (Mr. Clark's humor and genuine feeling). What a treat! Although there was nothing said specifically about fine arts, I'm already imagining how I can incorporate some of his techniques into my classroom.


If nothing else, I can bring the enthusiasm. Come on, kids. I'm ready.


Really.

Facebook Etiquette

Continuing in my series on "Making The World A Better Place By Attempting To Create Rules For Everything," today's topic is Facebook Etiquette.

Facebook has opened up a mannerly can of worms for those of us who attempt to behave with utmost correct politeness at all times. None of the well-known etiquette mavens, as far as I know, have come up with a specific code of conduct for Facebook, and I think I understand why. There are different ways to view Facebook, and depending on how you view Facebook, the polite standard of behavior will change.

1. Facebook as a "neighborhood." In this scenario, Facebook is like a neighborhood street, and people's walls are like their homes. Anything you wish to post on your wall, therefore, is welcome and appropriate, and it is rude to ask people not to post those things, even things that may be offensive to you.

Problem: In a real home, what's in your house stays in your house. On Facebook, what's posted to your wall also gets posted to all of your friends' news feeds, so that when they call up their home page, "How Libertarians Will Kill Us All And Eat Our Young" is there whether they agree or not. However, you can block friends from your news feed, or de-friend them if the offense if strong enough.

Problem: It would be considered rude in the extreme to comment on things in people's actual homes in anything but the nicest way. If, for instance, I have a picture of myself with President Obama hung in my home, the only polite thing to say, even if you believe Obama is taking this country down in a socialism-fueled ball of flames, is "How nice for you!" On Facebook, however, people are SUPPOSED to comment on what you post. It's the whole point. So posting a picture of yourself with religious or political connotations is going to invite comment, which will lead to possibly heated discussion of a socially forbidden topic, which isn't polite.

2. Facebook is a big party, and what takes place on Facebook are just the kind of conversations that happen at the kind of big party where a lot of different types of people are gathered together.

Problem: Many. There are many, many ways to offend people in conversation, and all of them seem to exist on Facebook. There is misinterpretation, hot-button topics, carrying on conversations while excluding someone, discussing events in front of people who weren't invited...it's endless, really. If people view their walls as parties they themselves are hosting, then some sort of control can be attempted, but in my opinion it comes off as rude to attempt to tell people what they can and can't post. I've deleted posts on occasion when I felt they were inappropriate for my wall, but I've always felt badly about it, like I kicked a friend out of a party for cussing too loudly.

3. Facebook is a networking opportunity. Friend requests should be freely accepted unless there is a compelling reason not to, like an active restraining order.

Problem: Facebook is primarily social. We all have the right to decide who will be allowed to see our Facebook page. Some people genuinely don't care, which is fine, but the friction happens when someone who doesn't care attempts to friend someone who does. Some people have strict policies: not friending current students, supervisors, co-workers, sharks, or in-laws. That is absolutely their right; it can get exhausting trying to censor yourself so that everything you post is acceptable to everyone on your friend list.

I don't know the answer. I actually am not in favor for a formal codification of Facebook rules, because I think it's something that everyone uses differently.

Conclusion: Everyone needs to settle down. It's supposed to be fun! Unless you don't use it for fun! But still settle down!

Please, it's exhausting trying to fix all of you people.

Petty Compatibility Quiz

Feel free to take this quiz with your husband, partner, girlfriend/boyfriend, roommate, friend, or cat. Each of you should take the quiz, then compare answers.

1. When purchasing tuna fish,

a. Only solid white Albacore tuna in spring water is acceptable.

b. Chunk white or light is fine, as long as it's my preferred brand.

c. Whatever's on sale is what you're getting.

d. You'll get cat food and be grateful.

2. Mayonnaise

a. Is an essential condiment.

b. And salad dressing are really the same thing.

c. Must be "real" mayonnaise to make it on my sandwich.

d. Is an excellent lubricant for stuck fishing reels.

3. The television remote control

a. Should be kept in an easily located central spot.

b. Should be by my right hand at all times.

c. Should be by your right hand at all times.

d. Lives in the fold of my belly. I'll forget this, so you need to remind me.

4. Pets

a. Are wonderful additions to any home.

b. Aren't something I want, but I could live with a fish or a bird.

c. Are demons from hell sent to destroy my brand-new carpet.

d. Can fight the children for whatever is left in the "tuna" can.

5. Fabric softener

a. Makes for fresh, cozy clothes that carry a touch of home with me wherever I go.

b. Is a luxury, but as long as we're doing all right we can have it.

c. Is more of a "woman" thing.

d. Renders men sterile.

6. Grilling outdoors

a. Is a fun activity for couples to do.

b. Is the way men like to cook.

c. Is a great way to cook in the summertime.

d. Is done in an aluminum trash can stolen from the neighbors.

7. My idea of a fun evening is

a. Going out to a nice restaurant, followed by a movie.

b. Snuggling together on the couch to watch TV.

c. Reading a book alone.

d. Shooting rats at the dump with the folks.

8. To keep fit, I

a. Hike.

b. Walk.

c. Swim.

d. Smoke.

9. Hanging curtains is

a. The most important thing we will ever do.

b. Important, but there are other things to be done first.

c. Not that important, I'll get around to it.

d. Something I will never, ever do. Ever. So just give up.

10. The toilet is clean if

a. It smells nice and has clear, clean water.

b. It smells like chemicals and has blue water.

c. I can get near it without passing out.

d. I can see it through the tears streaming down my face.

To score: Give yourself 1 point for every A, 2 points for every B, 4 points for every C, and 8 points for every D. Add up your score. Do you notice anything significant about the number? You shouldn't, it's meaningless. Laugh merrily and set fire to the paper containing your score. Or just throw it away. Whatever.

Instead of scoring, compare answers with your partner. Hopefully, you guys are pretty close, but you will find those areas of incompatibility. Fortunately, all of these problems can be solved with frank, open communication and Xanax. Ha! But seriously, if each partner compromises a bit, these petty little problems will have no power over you.

You notice I put nothing on the quiz about dirty clothes, particularly socks and underwear, that are dropped in random locations throughout the house and left there, presumably to grow new socks and underwear for the sockless, naked denizens of our backyard. Some things simply can't be fixed by a quiz.

I'm no Cosmo.

Deb's Top 10

The Top 10 Reasons It's A Good Thing School Is Starting Again:

10. New TV Shows: Now, we get to see all of the shows about which we will be saying, "Can you believe they tried to make a show out of that?" next year.

9. Returning TV Shows: We get to catch up with our returning favorites, like Project Runway, Lost, Law & Order: SVU, Top Chef...that's all I can think of. How is it I watch so much television but follow so few shows? (Answer: reruns of GOOD television.)

8. The Holidays: You may think it's too early to get into the "Holiday Spirit," but you would be wrong. I had my first anxiety dream about Thanksgiving last night. And, for your information, there are only 130 shopping days until Christmas! My feet are starting to sweat...

7. Awareness: Since school is starting again, I will be watching the news every day. I do not follow the news during the summer, save occasionally watching The Daily Show, the Colbert Report, and The Soup. I'm not completely irresponsible. However, it occurred to Sven and I the other night that we had no idea whether or not the storm we were watching head for our house was dangerous or not, and I knew our time of blissful ignorance was coming to an end.

6. I Can't Sleep Anyway: Fall, along with spring and winter, is my "allergy time." I have "seasonal allergies," which often mutate into "crippling sinus infections" and/or "pneumonia." Summer is the only time of year that is relatively allergy-free for me. My dripping nose and itchy eyes tell me it's time for school...and I'm up at 5:50 writing a blog post.

5. New Friends: Each fall brings in a crop of new teachers, which means new opportunities to make awkward conversation in an attempt to find someone with whom I get along. As a documented introvert, meeting new people is difficult for me. By the end of the year, though, I have almost always made new friends, just in time for them to leave and go to a new school.

4. Old Friends: Fortunately, my "team" is intact this year. (My team consists of music, art, P.E., and computer class.) We aren't getting any new people on our team! And I like everyone we had last year! A lot! Yay, Deb! (And, Art Teacher Lindsey, you need to get better very soon.)

3. Optimism: There is something about the start of the year that makes me forget the cynicism and despair which is my usual oeuvre. I see the kids who were awful last year and think, "They could have a really good year this year!" I have all kinds of ideas for innovative new lessons. I have a new schedule. Things are looking good, baby.

2. Gratuitous use of "baby" in general conversation.

1. Back Into the Social Scene: Dexy and Princess can come into their own as the social butterflies they are becoming. Princess, of course, has Tyler, her mustachioed, burly, cologne-scented toddler boyfriend. Dexy has become the social leader of the Toddler Room, due to his skills in a completely unknown (to me) arena:

That boy can dance.

Every day when I pick him up, he is standing in the center of a circle of his awed classmates, shaking what I gave him. He jumps, he spins, he cocks a sassy eyebrow. He sees me at the window, waves, and keeps dancing until the surrounding circle notices me and crowds around to drool on my feet.

It's going to be a great year.

Project: Me?

Project Runway will be starting a new season very soon, and I have a decision to make: am I willing to become a Lifetime woman in order to watch?

Before Project Runway, I could very honestly and proudly proclaim, "I don't watch 'reality shows.'" The whole Survivor thing totally passed me by. It puzzled me that people would find that sort of thing interesting.

Okay, I did watch the first season of The Real World, when I was still in high school. Back in those days I would have watched anything if MTV aired it. I was also a fan of Beavis and Butthead and Liquid Television (were the animated series Aeon Flux began). But that's not "reality television," because the term didn't exist then.

All right, I followed one of the seasons of Big Brother, I'm not sure which, but it was in the single digits. My defense for that is our lack of cable television at the time. Beaumont, Texas only had five stations that were analog broadcast; we didn't even get the WB!

But I never really got "hooked" until my 2 a.m. feedings with Princess introduced me to a giant maniac named Santino and the gentle wisdom of Tim Gunn. I became an avid follower of Season 2 of Project Runway (still, in my opinion, the best season) and have never looked back.

For those of you unfamiliar with the show, here's a quick tutorial:

1. Heidi Klum: Host and judge. Heidi plays the role of "everywoman" on the judging panel; she has no experience designing or sewing, but she spots things that would be visible to most supermodels capable of walking the runway at a Victoria's Secret fashion show eight weeks after giving birth. You know, just like you and me.

2. Tim Gunn: Mentor. Tim Gunn is the most fabulous being ever created by reality television. He uses wonderful big words like "egregious." His job is to help explain the challenges to the designers, oversee their shopping trips, and give feedback about their designs-in-progress. He always gets teary at just the right moments. He defines "unflappable." I love Tim Gunn.

3. Michael Kors: Judge. Michael Kors is a well-known American designer who has dressed many celebrities and important persons. He uses phrases like "I'm underwhelmed" and "I feel like the Pope at a sex club," though I'm fairly certain those were in response to two different challenges.

4. Nina Garcia: Judge. Nina is a bigwig in the fashion magazine industry, first as fashion editor of Elle magazine, then editor-at-large. Nina is completely bored with everything anyone has ever worn ever, and wants something new. She scares the contestants more than any other judge.

5. Guest Judge: Sometimes celebrities (Natalie Portman, Sarah Jessica Parker) but usually fashion insiders, these guest judges are generally connected to product placement or sponsorship in some way. They can be entertaining, but rarely.

6. Designers: Each season starts with 13-16 designers who, each show, must create a garment (or outfit, which they call "a look") within certain parameters. At the end of each show, one designer is told, "You're out," by Heidi, and that poor sucker goes home. The final three (or four) show a 12-13 piece collection at Fashion Week in New York.

Naturally, a lot of the show is drama between the designers. Sometimes they have to work in teams. One time they had to dress themselves, another time they had to dress each other. Tempers run high and artistic temperaments break down. Delicious.

Seasons 1-5 of Project Runway were on the Bravo Television Network ("TV for Gay Men and the Women Who Love Them"). The focus was on the snipy, the snarky, and the fabulous. Season 6 of Project Runway will air on Lifetime ("Television for Women Who Cry Soft Tears and Hold Each Other Gently"), which is not my thing at all.

Will this change my beloved PR? Will they begin to focus on the female designers, as though female designers are capable of any sort of personal feeling? Will they have to dress women who weigh more than 82 pounds?

I don't know. The premiere is Thursday, August 20, and all I can say is, I'll try.

Now pass me that Kleenex and hold me. Gently.