Identity

I was looking at some old pictures of myself, and I realized that the person I used to be no longer exists.

I look at those pictures, and intellectually I realize that is me, and I remember being there when the pictures were taken, but it's like looking at a picture of someone else.  That person doesn't exist anymore.

So where did she go?  And who am I?

I can't tell you how many times I've seen people I know well, people who I considered good friends, who have walked right past me, or treated me like a stranger because they didn't recognize me.  Then, if they realize it's me, I get this line:

"Oh, my goodness!  I didn't even recognize you!  You look FANTASTIC!"

I know they mean that nicely.  I know it's a compliment and none of these people would hurt me for the world.

But.

I don't think I'm unrecognizable.  I know I look different, but it's still my face, mostly.  So... did all of these people, whom I counted as good friends, only see my weight before?  Was that such a huge part of my identity that I am unrecognizable without it?

So where does that leave me?  I'm 36, almost 37... I've lived a lot of years now.  Am I starting over?  Does my life as a fat girl no longer count?  If my weight was my defining feature before, what is it now? Who am I?

I don't know either.