Princess and Concerns About an Uncertain Future

Lately, Princess has been very bothered by the idea that she will have to leave us one day.

"But I never want to leave," she says tearfully, clutching a hot dog.  "I love it here."

"Honey, you don't have to worry about that for a long time," I say.

"But what will you do without me, Mommy?" she says.  "I don't want my own house.  I want to stay here with you and Daddy."

"You won't always feel that way," I say.  "Someday, you might want your own house."

"No," she says positively.

"What if you get married?" I ask.  "You and your husband and your children will want your own house."

"Married?" she asks.  "I could get married?"

"Not for a long, long time," I say.  "But someday, you might want to."

"I think Calvin will be my husband," she says.

"Who's Calvin?" I ask.

"Calvin and I can live in a house together, and you can visit us, Mommy," she says.  (Only she says "bisit" instead of "visit," because she's four.)

"Who is Calvin?" I repeat, a bit more forcefully.

"And when Calvin and I have our children, we'll come visit you," she continues.  "Don't get rid of my bed, okay, so I have a place to sleep when I come to visit."

"Okay," I say, my voice now shaking a little.  "I hope you'll come and visit all the time."

"Don't worry about it, Mommy," she says.  "Calvin and I won't let you be old and all alone."

"Thank you, sweetheart," I say tearfully.

I feel good about my parenting.  I'm going to bed.

How To Make Your Husband Care About Lady GaGa

Deb: So the VMA's were last night.

Sven: Hmm.

Deb: Lady Gaga really had a good night.

Sven: Hmm.

Deb: She won eight awards.

Sven: Hmm.

Deb: You remember the Bad Romance video?

Sven: Hmm.

Deb: It won video of the year.

Sven: Hmm.

Deb: She was nominated for thirteen.  Isn't that incredible?

Sven: Hmm.

Deb: She wore a dress made out of meat.

Sven: Hmm.  [pause]  What kind of meat?

Fin.

Short Take: Princess

Place: The Folksy bedroom

Time: This morning, around 3:00

Characters: Sven, Deb, and Princess (not yet five years old)

Princess: {enters room quietly} Excuse me, Father?  Father?

Sven: {mumbling} Yeah.

Princess: Father, may I please use the restroom?

Sven: Sure.

{A few minutes later}

Princess: Father?  Father?

Sven: Yeah.

Princess: I'm done.

Sven: Good.

Princess: Father, I'm going back to my bed now.

Sven: Good.

Princess: Good night, Father.

Sven: Good night, sweetie.

Princess: I love you.

Sven: I love you, too.

{Princess exits quietly.}

Deb: {after a few seconds} Who was that?

Sven: I'm not sure.

Fin.

Post-Surgery Musin's

Last Wednesday, I entered Houston's Methodist Hospital for some routine laparoscopic surgery.  "It will be such a quick recovery!" I heard.  "Just a few small incisions!" I heard.

You know what I didn't hear?  "You will have gas pains in your chest, shoulder, and rib cage that won't go away until you fart the gas volume equivalent of a mature African elephant."  That's what I didn't hear.

Yes, friends, the worst part of my mostly easy recovery has been the strange gas pains that have settled in my shoulders.  I'm told there is a sound scientific reason for this, but part of me thinks the flamboyantly fabulous OR nurse (Kevin) just did it as a prank.

Not really.  Everyone at Methodist, from my wonderful surgeon to the anesthesia team, to the floor nurse and techs, to the food services and transportation people, were delightful, more than competent, and genuinely interested in my well-being.  I had a private room that rivaled those of a nice hotel.  My in-room TV had TBS, TNT, Comedy Central, Bravo, and E!.  It couldn't have been nicer.

That being said, a story...

My overnight technical aide (takes vitals, etc.) was a sweet Russian lady, who kept going on about my beautiful eyes.  It really gave me a nice little boost.  As I was leaving, she said, "Okay, pretty lady, when you go in to get your hair colored, ask for a lighter color to set off your eyes."  I said, "Oh, I don't have my hair colored."  She smiled and said, "You should."  Bless her heart.

It is now 6 days after surgery and I am doing great.  I'm still in some discomfort (come on, shoulder farts!) but nothing awful.  I'm sleeping well at night and walked over a mile today.  Very soon I should be a healthy, normal 30-something mom, able to keep up with my kids, teach school, cook dinner, perform my church calling, and play three different games on Facebook.

Life is good.

I Love the Sixties

As a huge fan of the "I Love" series on VH-1 (I Love the Eighties, I Love the Nineties, I Love Toys, I Love Obscure Elvis Covers of Gospel Standards) it has always pained me that there has not been an installment addressing that most marvelous and controversial of decades, the Sixties.

The 1960's of course.  The 1860's were dreadful.  Nothing but civil war in America and Victorian England.  I can't imagine hipster comedians riffing on the strained relationship between Prince Albert and his oldest son, Edward.  ("Yeah, Albert and Edward were like the Biggie and Tupac of the 1860's, except, instead of getting shot, one got consumption and the other got syphilis.")

So, to fill the gap until VH-1 comes to its senses and creates "I Love the Sixties" (and brings back "The Best Day Ever With Paul F. Tompkins") here are some of the reasons I love the sixties, a decade which, technically, ended years before I was born:

1. Disney Feature Films.  The sixties were prime time for the Disney feature.  For animation, not so much; only three animated films were released in this decade (101 Dalmatians, The Sword in the Stone, and The Jungle Book) but a vast array of true classics starring actual people (and Hayley Mills) were produced in this decade:

• Pollyanna (1960)
• Swiss Family Robinson (1960)
• The Parent Trap (1961)
• Babes in Toyland (1961)
• Mary Poppins (1964)
• The Three Lives of Thomasina (1964)
• That Darn Cat! (1965)
• The Love Bug (1968)
• The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes (1969

(I have only listed my personal favorites, obviously.)  Each of these films is an indelible classic, taking us to times and places that really only existed in our imagination, but seemed real.  More importantly, these films set the stage for the all-important films of the 1970's, in which Jodie Foster wreaked havoc on the English countryside and Sandy Duncan was believable as an astrophysicist.

2. The Monkees.

That's really all I have.  Truthfully, I intensely dislike the sixties.  I will admit there were some good things: The Beatles, Camelot, Julie Andrews, etc.  Unfortunately, for me and many people my age, the sixties were ruined by the "sixties revival" of the eighties.  Suddenly, around 1987, all anyone could talk about was how nothing was good anymore, and how everything in the sixties was better.   Sixties TV was on all the time in reruns, music and music videos were going retro, even hippie fashion came back.  I was so sick of it all that I embraced the hair metal trend and slid right down into sort-of-goth, as evidenced by high school photos you will never see.

I suppose VH-1 knows what they are doing, keeping "I Love the Sixties" out of their "I Love" series.  After all, these are the geniuses who brought us Celebrity Fit Club, Celebrity Rehab, Flavor of Love, I Love New York, New York Goes to Hollywood, Rock of Love, Daisy of Love, I Love Money, For the Love of Ray J, Fantasia For Real, The Surreal Life, and The T.O Show.

They obviously know what they're doing.

Winds of Change

Princess is growing up.

Here's how I know:

1. Change of Name: I am no longer "Mommy," "Mama," or even "Mom."  I am "Mother."  As in, "Mother, could you please tell Dexy not to disturb me while I am playing with my ponies?"  Additionally, Sven has become "Father."  She feels it's more sophisticated.

2. Big words: Princess has decided that she has to use the hardest word she knows for everything.  Unfortunately, in the way of four-year-olds, she has decided that the existence of a harder word negates the existence of an easy one.  Hence the following conversation:

Me: Princess, you can be quiet and let your brother sleep, or you can go downstairs.  Those are your choices.

Princess: Mother, those aren't choices.  You don't give me any choices.

Me: Princess, I just gave you two choices: be quiet or go downstairs.

Princess: Mother, those aren't CHOICES, those are OPTIONS.

Me: sigh

3. Teacher: Princess is now smarter than anyone else in our family, and most people not in our family.  She demonstrates her intelligence by teaching everyone else.  I hope it is to my credit that "teaching" to her means "giving a lot of verbal praise and encouragement."  Yesterday, I saw Princess teach a mother cat how to nurse.  It went like this:

Princess: Okay, Mama Cat, your kittens are right here.  Lie down and let them crawl over to you.  That's it, very good.  Oh, very good!  Now they're all getting a drink.  Okay, now this one's finished, so I'm going to take her and go play.  Is that all right?  (Cat meows)  Thank you, Mama Cat.

Then, as Princess walked by me with the tiny kitten in her arms, I heard her say, "Kitten, I like your attitude."

Don't we all.

Manning It Up

I have noticed, in recent months, a disturbing trend.

Manscape, bromance, mantrum, manorexia.  These terms are, of course, the "male" versions of various nouns and verbs.

Manscape: when a man grooms his face.

Bromance: when two dudes have a close, totally non-gay friendship that involves manly sharing of confidences and occasional shameful tears.

Mantrum: when a man throws a tantrum.

Manorexia: when a man has anorexia.

Here's my problem, particularly with the last two: none of these words were previously defined as female-only, so to designate a special word for the "man" version implies that the "regular" version is, in fact, a female version, which is totally unfair.

Mantrum, for example, really chaps my burrito.  Because only women and small children throw tantrums, right?  If a man throws a tantrum, we have to have a special word for it, because men are ordinarily so stoic and calm that the throwing of a tantrum is an event worthy of word coinage.

You cannot see, but I hope you can sense, my eyeballs rolling into the back of my head at the absurdity of this logic.  Because the media, in its J-Lo induced frenzy to coin the new "hot phrase," is using the monkey/typewriter method: they're typing a bunch of poop and then throwing it at us to see what sticks.  Here are some of the other non-words we've been plagued with recently:

Nappetizer: when you take a nap right before bedtime.

Nontree: when you order an appetizer as your meal.

Staycation: when you stay at home instead of going out of town.

None of these are new concepts, right?  So what the media is basically doing here is taking an existing concept, coining a word, and then publishing an article about it claiming it is a "trend," hence the cute new word.

So here's my report on the latest trend: "Mannaptrums."  Here's my new report:

HOUSTON - Style watchers are reporting a new trend in male behavior, called "Mannaptrums."  Businesses and corporations, in response to this growing trend among males aged 29-54, are installing mannaptrum counselors and scheduled down time to deal with the problem.

"A mannaptrum," explains Shirley McDoody, someone who works here in some capacity, "is when a man gets sleepy and then he gets cranky and needs a nap.  Clearly, this is a detriment to the business world, so the mannaptrum counseling and intervention is a nap designed to circumvent the possible business-hampering tantrum."

"I think it's great," says Sven Folksypants, a teacher, father, and devastatingly handsome man-about-town.  "Now that I have a word for this, I can get away with telling my wife that I have to do it.  Hopefully they won't ever have a womannaptrum, because then the floor wouldn't ever get vacuumed."


I think it's going to catch on.

No, I want this.

 I want a theremin.




A theremin is a musical instrument that emits radio waves.  When the player moves his or her hands within the field, the pitch that is emitted changes, as does the volume.  So you are basically making music by waving your hands around and not touching anything.  I think it is really cool.  And affordable!