5/15/1950-12/29/2006

I was watching "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" on television last night, and I cried like a baby.  Not because it's such a good movie (it is) or it's so moving (it is), but because that was a movie I watched with my dad.  It somehow seems wrong that, even though he's been gone for nearly five years, that movie, and the other things we enjoyed together, continue to exist without him.

Princess and Grandpa, Halloween 2006

My dad and I didn't always get along.  My teenage years were TERRIBLE.  I was terrible.  My father (much like the dad in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding") reacted to fear and anxiety with anger and bluster, which just made me more hostile and too-cool-for-school.  I think we were all relieved when I moved out.

Once I moved out, my relationship with my dad got a lot easier.  We didn't see eye to eye on politics, so we didn't talk about that.  We loved music.  We loved movies.  He loved sports, so I pretended to.  Movies about sports?  Forget about it.  I sat through "The Natural" with my dad.  That's love.

I remember one night when Sven was gone and I was sad.  My mom and dad showed up at my house with a fried chicken dinner and just sat and ate with me.  It's one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me.  Even though I was 31 (almost 32) when I lost my dad, I wasn't ready.  There were years of chicken dinners, and babies, and family trips, and griping about the poor quality of reality television still left with him.  Sven lost his dad at 17.  I can't imagine how hard that was.  Losing my dad in my 30's was devastating.  It still is.

My dad was 56 when he died.  That's part of the reason I've made some of the choices I have this year.  Taking charge of my health and my life has become really important to me, because I don't want to go that soon.  My parents had their kids young; they were 24 when I was born.  I was nearly 31 when Princess was born and nearly 33 when Dexy came along.  If I were to die at 56, Princess and Dexy would be in their early 20's.  Adults, yes.  But not ready to lose their mom.

Every time I hear a new band on the radio I miss my dad.  When I see a movie I know he would have loved, I miss my dad.  Heck, when I see Charlie Sheen on the news, I miss my dad.  (He loved "Major League."  I couldn't sit through that one.)  So on his birthday I don't think it's inappropriate to be serious for a day and think about him.

I miss my dad.

For a Student...

My name, "Deborah," means "bee."

So how cool is it that a former very talented student of mine has an Etsy shop, upon which she is selling (among other fabulous handmade art) a honeycomb pendant with smiling bee charm?

Here's her shop.


Here's the necklace:

(Note: I have not been compensated in any way.  I bought this necklace because it is adorable.)

If you're into Etsy, check out her store!  She was an amazingly talented student when I had her, and her talent has obviously grown.

-Deb

In Which Sven Teaches Us What NOT to Say

I was standing in front of the mirror repeating my daily mantra of self-loathing, as I do each morning.

"I will never be thin," I fretted, twisting and turning in front of the mirror.

"What do you expect?" asked Sven.  "You're middle-aged."

You may not know this about me, but when I get really worked up, I jump.  I leaped in the air and pounded Sven on any part of his anatomy that I could reach.

I was furious.  "Middle aged?" I shrieked.  "Do I look like a middle aged woman to you?"

"What's the big deal?" he asked.  "You're the one who said it."

"You weren't supposed to say that," I said, and I stopped.  Of course he wasn't supposed to say that.  What I wanted him to say was, "Deb, you are even more beautiful now than you were on the day I first saw you.  I am so grateful every day that you chose to spend your life with me.  I cannot imagine what I would be without you."

Ha.  Like he would ever, ever say that.  He might think it.  Might.  But say it?  Never.

So I did the classic passive-aggressive stereotypical woman dance of words, in which I attempt to force him to say what I hope he's feeling.

What I love the most about Sven is that he makes me see things very clearly.  If I really thought of myself as dumpy and middle-aged, would I have been that mad?  No.  Sad?  Possibly.  But I wasn't sad at all.  I was hilariously furious.

I'm so lucky to have me.

New Ring

I went to an event at our local jeweler's last weekend: Balloon Pop.  Each year they sell tickets, and you get to pop a balloon for every ticket you buy.  Each balloon holds a loose gemstone.  If you want it set, they will do it for the charge of the setting alone (free labor).

We did six balloons and received a garnet that is just weird (kind of like a long flat chip), a 1 carat blue topaz, a 1 carat lemon citrine, a 1 carat peridot, a 1 carat amethyst, and a 4 carat laser-cut pear-shaped citrine.

Guess which one I had set?

Easter Traditions

While Sven and I have done a pretty good job compromising between our wildly different native traditions, Easter is the holiday that has given us the most issues.

My parents viewed Easter as the most sacred of holidays and basically refused to participate in any sort of "commercial" aspect.  No Easter baskets in my house growing up!  I remember participating in the occasional egg hunt and dyeing hard-boiled eggs a few times, but beyond that we focused exclusively on the religious aspect of the holiday.

Sven's mom bought them chicks.  These chicks, contrary to conventional wisdom, did not die, but lived for years tormenting neighbor's cats and befouling the backyard.  The occasional fresh eggs were apparently not worth it to my mother-in-law, who slaughtered them all in a fit of pique and did not tell the children whom they were dining upon until the pets had been consumed.

Somewhere between these poles is where we must find our way.  Here are the traditions we have established:

1. Easter eggs: even before we had children, Sven and I colored Easter eggs most years.  It was not until recently that I realized this was Sven's way of presenting me with hard-boiled eggs that would go to waste unless I learned to devil them, which I did.

2. Deviled eggs: see above.

3. Easter baskets: We do get our children Easter baskets.  They aren't huge or lavish, but we do get them a little something.

4. New clothes: This is my favorite part of the secular side of Easter.  This year, for the first time, I bought myself a new Easter dress as well as new outfits for Dexy and Princess.  I love the idea of new clothes and white shoes as a part of the celebration of rebirth.

5. New jewelry: I'm still trying to get this one off the ground.

6. Church for all: Sven can usually be prevailed upon to come to church on any occasion in which I am speaking or singing, the children are speaking or singing, and major holidays.

7. Easter Story: We do spend a lot of time talking about the atonement and resurrection.  This year we made a set of a dozen eggs, each with a scripture and an object representative of parts of the events surrounding Easter.  It worked well; Princess woke Sven up this morning with a dramatic, "Daddy, the twelfth egg?  You know, the last one?  It was EMPTY!  Because Jesus wasn't there anymore!  He had RESURRECTED!"  Sven blearily acknowledged that the eggs had done their work, though he prefers that they work a little later in the day.  (I'm pretty sure Princess knows that the egg represents the tomb; I hope she doesn't think Jesus was supposed to be in the egg.)

I hope everyone has a happy Easter and a great spring.

Recap: Pretty In Pink (Or: Why We Shouldn't Watch Movies We Remember Loving Twenty-Five Years Ago)

Molly Ringwald: Get up, unemployed but lovable father, I'm clearly the responsible adult in this household as evidenced by the fact that you are unshaven and I dress like an 80-year-old!

Dad: I love your outfit!  You made it, so it was free!  Because the fabric and materials grew on the roof!

Molly Ringwald: I want you to get a job, because it's important to me, the most important person in the universe.

Dad: Have I told you how beautiful you are?

Molly Ringwald: Ew.

(At school)

Ducky: I'm awesome, and everyone knows you should be with me.

Molly Ringwald: I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you through this horrendous hat.

Mean Girls:  Ew.  Your clothes are gross.  We're 37.

Nice Teacher: Mean girls are awful.

Molly Ringwald: No, they're okay.

Mean Girls: No, we suck.  We hate you.

James Spader: I'm clearly in my 20's and smoke, but I'm a high school senior who finds you devastatingly attractive in your granny glasses and...  No, even I can't get past that hat.

Molly Ringwald: Bleh.

James Spader: You're a beast.  (I'm summarizing the censored version that runs on TV.)

(At work)

Record Store Lady: I'm cool!

Blaine: Here I am!  You like me.  I know you like me, because I can hear the soundtrack.

Molly Ringwald: I love you.

Ducky: Let's go hang out at the cool nightclub that only admits underage kids if they're poor.

Molly Ringwald: Okay, but only if we can drive past big fancy houses and dream afterward.

Ducky: Okay, but I get to complain about your music.

Molly Ringwald: Deal.

(The next day, in the library)

Molly Ringwald: Wow, the computer is talking to me in a way that is utterly implausible in 1986 but will be laughably outdated in ten years!

Blaine: It's me.  I have teeth.  You can see them when I smile.

Molly Ringwald: Swoon.

(Commercials for Hershey's chocolate and psoriasis.  I think they were two different commercials.)

Dad: I got a job.

Molly Ringwald: Oh, good!  I'm so happy!  That makes me so happy!

Dad: I lied.

Molly Ringwald: What?

Dad: Nothing.  Go to school.

(At school)

Blaine: I really like you.

Molly Ringwald: But you're rich and I'm poor.  There have literally never in the history of the world been lovers as star-crossed yet as ill-fated and incompatible as we.  We apparently attend a school that is segregated on strictly economic lines.  We face clearly insurmountable odds and will struggle our entire lives to overcome the hatred of those who urge us to stick to our own kind.

Blaine: You want to go to a party?

Molly Ringwald: Sure. (giggle)

James Spader: You asked out that horrid wretch who has literally no redeeming qualities?

Blaine: You really think that?

James Spader: Oh yeah.

Blaine: Hmmm...

(At Home)

Ducky: I love you so much, even though I would be your gay best friend if this movie had come out a few years later.

Molly Ringwald: I love you too, but only in a friend way, and I show my love by constantly criticizing you.

Ducky: I'm gay.

Molly Ringwald: What?

Ducky: Nothing.

(Gym class)

Friend: I smoke.

Molly Ringwald: I'm a good girl.

Gym Teacher: I hate poor people!  Get out!

(Principal's office)

Principal: I'm weak but nice.

Molly Ringwald: I'm poor.

Principal: Let's call the whole thing off.

(At work)

Boss: I'm incompetent!  It's a good thing I have you working for me, you're the only person in the universe with any intelligence whatsoever.

Molly Ringwald: You're right.

Ducky: (Lipsyncs)

Molly Ringwald: (unimpressed)

Ducky: BLAINE????

Blaine: Hi.

Ducky: (sob)

(In a stable?)

Molly Ringwald: Sigh, I love you so much.

Blaine: Do you want to go to prom?

Molly Ringwald: IT IS ONLY THE VERY THING THAT I TOTALLY LIVE FOR!!

Blaine: Um...  Maybe I already have a date.

(At home)

Dad: I got you this sort of okay dress.  Maybe you can make it into something so tremendously ugly, people will go blind from looking at it.

Molly Ringwald: Thanks, Daddy!  How's the job?

Dad: Fake.

Molly Ringwald: Great!

(At her boss' apartment?)

Boss: Look at me, I grew up in the '60's!

Molly Ringwald: I'm going to prom and I want your dress.

Boss: I'm wearing my prom dress and my hair is in a beehive, and I'm still cool.

Molly Ringwald: Dress now, please.

Boss: All right.  Just promise me that you will use it to make a dress so inexplicably tacky and ill-fitting that people will wonder how mankind survived the first screening of this movie.

Molly Ringwald: Deal.

(At school)

Blaine: I can't go to prom with you.

Molly Ringwald: JUST SAY IT!  YOU'RE RICH AND I'M POOR SO YOU'RE ASHAMED TO BE SEEN WITH ME!  AND ALSO I'M THIS CRAZY SCREAMING SHREW WHO IS TOTALLY EMBARRASSING YOU IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE YOU'RE SUCH A BIG JERK!

Blaine: Something suddenly came up.

Marcia: Ow, my nose!

Blaine: Get out of here.

Ducky: Hey, James Spader!  We will fight now!

James Spader: (smarms)

Ducky: (sobs and runs down the hall of a school that apparently doesn't consider fighting or smoking a serious discipline problem, but talking in gym class will get you sent to the principal's office)

(Before the prom)

THAT IS THE UGLIEST, MOST HIDEOUS DRESS I HAVE EVER SEEN.

Molly Ringwald: Who said that?

OH, NO, MY OPINIONS ON THAT DRESS ARE SO STRONG THEY HAVE BOTH TRAVELED THROUGH TIME AND BROKEN THROUGH THE FOURTH WALL TO ALERT THE STAR OF THIS MOVIE AS TO HOW TERRIBLE THAT DRESS IS.

Molly Ringwald: I love you, Daddy.

WHATEVER.

(At the prom)

Blaine: I own a white dinner jacket.

Ducky: My shoes are dirty.

Molly Ringwald: Blaine, I choose you!

NO!  YOU CHOOSE DUCKY!  BECAUSE IN 1986 YOU REALLY COULD DATE YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND!

Molly Ringwald: Seriously, did anyone else hear that?

Fin.

The Special-est of K's

(Note: I have not been financially compensated by anyone in any way at any time for writing this blog.  If anyone wants to change that, I'm open.)

I have always been skeptical of Special K.  Model-thin women lamenting that they can't lose the five pounds they gained over the winter and then claiming success based on a bowl of breakfast cereal has never resonated with me.

The "Special K Diet," in which one eats a bowl of cereal for breakfast and lunch, then has a "sensible dinner," likewise resulted in eye- rolls.  This is not Special K's fault; I had a friend who decided to combine the Special K diet with Atkins, which led to spectacular failure.  Who would have thought a low-fat, high-carbohydrate diet would be inconsistent with a no-carb, high-fat diet?  Everyone else in the world, that's who.

When Special K began branching into diet foods, my eyes rolled again.  Bars, drinks, shakes...  Really?  Who won't put out those things these days?  I can't wait for the Froot Loop diet.

But now I am eating my words (which, thankfully, are zero-calorie).  I have met my Special K match.  And by "match" I mean "the thing I want by my side for the rest of my life."

Special K Cracker Chips.

(That picture is, I believe, of the British version, because in Britain chips are "crisps" and fries are "chips" and language is "confusing.")

I miss chips.  The crunch, the salt, the crunch, the salt...  There's not much to chips, when you get down to it, but I love 'em.  Potato chips are right out for me now.  Baked chips taste like giant flakes of Special K.  Pretzels are okay, but sometimes you really want a chip, you know?

Special K Cracker Chips (I like the sour cream & onion flavor) are 110 calories for 27 CHIPS.  Let me repeat that.  110 calories for 27 CHIPS.  Yes, there are 22 grams of carbs in a serving, but 3 grams of dietary fiber and only 1 gram of sugar.  2 grams of protein.  2.5 grams of fat, only .5 grams of which is saturated.  No cholesterol.  Very little in vitamins, but that's okay.  I'll eat them gladly when I need my chip fix, and feel no shame.

Well, very little.

The Truth about Spanx

For those who are not up on what the Kardashian sisters are currently doing or what Joan Rivers thinks about Amy Adams' Golden Globes dress, Spanx is a brand of shapewear.

Shapewear, for those who are not conversant in the language of women's fashion, is underwear that pulls in and shapes the body.  What we used to call a "girdle."  By "we" I mean "other people."  I have never worn a girdle.

I live in shapewear.  I do not set foot outside the house unless I am bound from shoulder to knee in a snug chrysalis of lycra.  Losing all of this weight has been a fantastic experience in many ways, but there are drawbacks.  Shapewear allows me to look reasonably okay in clothes and smooths out all of the little lumps and bumps that would occur otherwise.

My first shapewear was the Lane Bryant brand.  Size 26/28, to be precise.  Then I went to 22/24.  Then I skipped right over 18/20 and got into the 14/16's.  While they no longer fit me, I still keep the bigger ones around.  They don't do much, but they're better than nothing at all.

Now I have to find shapewear for non-overweight ladies, which is where Spanx comes in.  Spanx is the preferred brand of shapewear in Hollywood.  Queen Latifah wears Spanx, as does Kelly Osborne and the aforementioned Kardashians.

Hollywood had to get something right eventually.  Spanx are amazing.  They are light and breathable but hold EVERYTHING in.  And they fit the size the chart says they're going to fit.  I honestly forgot I had it on one day.  Really.

Spanx are expensive.  I go for the two-piece, the cami and high-waisted bike short-type thing, and the combination is more than $110.  Additionally, it more or less has to be ordered online, which is problematic when it comes to fit.  That being said, it is totally worth it.

Red carpet, here I come.